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Thread: Heaven redesigned

  1. #1
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Heaven redesigned

    The whole idea of flying around with wings, sitting on clouds wearing white robes, and playing harp all day for the rest of eternity has lost much appeal to the generation raised on Xbox. We need to repackage heaven so it will seem like a spiffy place to more recent generations as well. This may not be as easy a task as it sounds, though, as folks have become rather jaded over the years watching slick advertising on tv. The trick is to make the pitch using accessible examples that somehow relate to our own experience, yet not so outrageous as to stretch credulity.
    I'll start with a few:
    - sure you still have to work in heaven but most jobs don't start until 10 am and you rarely if ever have to fight traffic. You can work a full 8 hour day if you really enjoy the work, but most folks put in five hour days and most workplaces don't frown on RJ'ing come Fri afternoon (it's actually kind of expected)

    - you can change jobs as often as you like in heaven and there's almost always a position available in the field you want to work in. If there isn't, you never have to wait more than three weeks for one to open up, and in the mean time you can work on your golf game (and the courses are excellent up in heaven too - oh did we mention you get a mulligan every other every hole no questions asked?)

    - there are four seasons in heaven, however, winter only lasts eight weeks. There's no pollen allergies in spring, the temp never gets over 83 in summer and when the leaves change in the fall they stay on the trees for three solid months.

    - the DMV is an efficient operation in heaven. The clerks are never surly, people don't jump line/go out of turn, and your wait is never more than 5 minutes.

    - folks enjoy Halloween so much they have it twice a year and trick or treating is huge with grown ups. Sure you might still run into some houses that pass out black licorice, or those unappetizing peanut butter candies, but the good news is nothing rots your teeth - even if you don't brush.

    - no golden wings, but the good news is bike lanes and sidewalks are everywhere and they're not just some narrow cracked asphalt strip hugging the shoulder of the road, they're as wide and as well maintained as the street surfaces themselves!
    Last edited by Maister; 11 Apr 2011 at 9:15 AM.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian Coragus's avatar
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    In heaven, I'll have a drinking horn that I carry around with me. It will be empty until I raise it to drink, when it will magically fill with beer. It will know what kind of beer to produce at any given moment and will never truly empty.
    The cookies are worth the drive

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    Of course the DMV will be efficient. I am the only one driving. And gas is free.

    There will be dogs in heaven. I am not sure about cats. I think they go "somewhere else".
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  4. #4
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Everyone will be the same color but the color will change frequently.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  5. #5
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
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    Everyone looks like they did at their best looking time of their life. Maybe it was your wedding day. Maybe it was on prom day when you were 18. Maybe it was the day you were born because you were pretty much a disfigured looking human being from shortly after birth, which would be hilarious because you'd have some babies walking around and talking and intermingling at the Heaven brewpubs.
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

  6. #6
    Cyburbian imaplanner's avatar
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    God looks like Heather Graham.
    Children in the back seat can cause accidents - and vice versa.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Even with a re-design, Heaven will:

    STILL BE BORING!


    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  8. #8
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Duke Of Dystopia View post
    Even with a re-design, Heaven will:

    STILL BE BORING!


    Why? We'll be getting a remote feed of you entertaining us on reality tv.
    WIDE SCREEN in HI-DEF
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  9. #9
    Cyburbian
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    Columbia's undergrad program in architecture used to do with the freehand studio every year:... they may still do it: design heaven or hell, your choice. Most people pick hell, though, from what I understand.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ofos View post
    Why? We'll be getting a remote feed of you entertaining us on reality tv.
    WIDE SCREEN in HI-DEF

    That would be true, if you were allowed to see naughty fun things and live vicariously through others.

    However, that would be to tempting, so that station will be blocked!
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  11. #11
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Duke Of Dystopia View post
    That would be true, if you were allowed to see naughty fun things and live vicariously through others.

    However, that would be to tempting, so that station will be blocked!
    Theology is not your strong suite. There is no more temptation for those on the up side.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  12. #12
    Cyburbian beach_bum's avatar
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    In heaven I hope I could eat all the calories I want and not gain an ounce.

    Also, everyday would be a perfect day for a run.
    "Never invest in any idea you can't illustrate with a crayon." ~Peter Lynch

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Salmissra's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by imaplanner View post
    God looks like Heather Graham.
    No, God looks like Matt Damon!

    All dog parks are clean, manicured for dog enjoyment, provide free wash-up areas, and endless supply of chaseable toys/rodents.

    All food is organic, all-natural, tasty and cooks up wonderful, no matter how you fix it. Alcohol is deemed good for you.

    Since we all look our best (thanks, Rygor) and will stay that way, your clothing always fits and looks sharp. Clothes are miraculously cleaned every night.

    No venomous coworkers exist, all computers run at optimum levels, applicants are polite and courteous, and bosses are nice.
    "We do not need any other Tutankhamun's tomb with all its treasures. We need context. We need understanding. We need knowledge of historical events to tie them together. We don't know much. Of course we know a lot, but it is context that's missing, not treasures." - Werner Herzog, in Archaeology, March/April 2011

  14. #14
    Cyburbian DetroitPlanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Coragus View post
    In heaven, I'll have a drinking horn that I carry around with me. It will be empty until I raise it to drink, when it will magically fill with beer. It will know what kind of beer to produce at any given moment and will never truly empty.
    In heaven there is no beer.
    Thats why we drink it here.

    Good God man, you got no polka in ya!

    Quote Originally posted by Cardinal View post
    There will be dogs in heaven. I am not sure about cats. I think they go "somewhere else".
    Even dobermans and pit bulls? I often wonder if its the dogs themselves I fear or the type of people who own them.
    Last edited by Gedunker; 11 Apr 2011 at 12:33 PM. Reason: seq. posts
    We hope for better things; it will arise from the ashes - Fr Gabriel Richard 1805

  15. #15
    Cyburbian imaplanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by DetroitPlanner View post
    Even dobermans and pit bulls? I often wonder if its the dogs themselves I fear or the type of people who own them.
    the people. I have some friends who own pits and dobermans and they are great dogs. Bad dog owners go to Hell
    Children in the back seat can cause accidents - and vice versa.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Mud Princess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by imaplanner View post
    the people. I have some friends who own pits and dobermans and they are great dogs. Bad dog owners go to Hell
    Here, here! We have a pittie and she is a wonderful dog.

    Dogs AND cats go to heaven. We are friends with other animal species. There is no fear or aggression.

  17. #17
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ofos View post
    Theology is not your strong suite. There is no more temptation for those on the up side.
    Not sure I agree with you on that. It seems to me, that the story of the split happened before hell was created. Something was seriously wrong in lala land.

    Competing versions of perfection ALWAYS run amok.

    If it happened once...



    Oh, nobody would have allergies to anything!
    The fishing would always be EXCELLENT! (Catch and release of course)
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  18. #18
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
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    In Heaven all work is play and all play is enjoyable.

    -Lienkeugel's has a neverending tap there.
    -No one ever says the phrase - It is what it is.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  19. #19
    I will be able to see God as He actually is.
    We will be what we we always supposed to be and live peacefully with each other
    I'll get a chance to see my grandfather, my exes dad again. I'll get to see my great grandfather, a Godly man who died the year I was born. His unseen influence shaped my life.
    I'll get to see Pastor French again, one the people who helped bring me back to faith
    All my broken relationships will be healed and I'll be able to enjoy being with the people.
    No hunger, no sorrow, no pain, no illness, no death. The broken things in a person life will be healed
    I'll get to see the new heaven, earth and Jerusalem
    I'll be able to sing
    No more asthma or poor eyesight
    This world is but a shadow of what is to be and it will be fantastic
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  20. #20
    Cyburbian Coragus's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Hink_Planner View post
    Lienkeugel's has a neverending tap there.
    It's right next to the Guiness tap, across the hall from the bar-b-que.
    The cookies are worth the drive

  21. #21
    Cyburbian
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    I don't know why you are all so interested in this topic. A developer once told me that in heaven there will be no planners.
    Proudly spending today building the dilapidated housing stock of the 22nd century.

  22. #22
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    You also get to screw with the living from time to time... like tickling the stodgy old curmudgeon city councilor during a really important discussion.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  23. #23
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Mark Twain wrote a great story about Heaven -- "Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven". Essentially the premise is that Heaven is whatever the person expects it to be. There is a different part of Heaven for each religion. The Christians get wings and haprs but soon grow tired of them. Your welcome to Heaven is gauged by how likely you are to make it there. Preachers get little fanfare. A lawyer would get a friggin parade.

    For me, Heaven would be:

    God looking like Heather Graham (yeah, you right, Imaplanner) or maybe Anna Paquin

    A no dog section

    An endless 24-7 seafood buffet

    A no-religious zealot section (wouldn't they be so damn smug that they were right all along and p*ssed that I got in anyway)

    Visiting rights to Hell and Purgatory, so I could visit my friends.
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  24. #24
    Cyburbian HomerJ's avatar
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    In heaven I will finally get to find out if I am a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes...
    Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
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    I want to raise Weimeraners when I get to heaven.
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

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