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Thread: Naming the regulars

  1. #1
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Naming the regulars

    This is bad, I know.

    At a coffeehouse I frequent in my neighborhood, there are some regulars I'm almost guaranteed to see here. I've never talked to them, and don't know anything about them, but I still have pet names for them.

    Hong Kong Fooey. A white guy whose facial hair resembles a 1950s-era stereotypical image of a wise Chinese man. For some reason, he has a large clump of hair tied up in a ball on top of his head.

    The Guru. With unkempt long hair and a beard, this guy is a dead ringer for Richard Stallman, right down to the questionable hygiene. Always reading a book, or in a deep philosophical discussion with a few other people. If he's got a computer at home, it's probably running some Linux distro.

    The Amazon Pen Goddess. Probably a trophy wife in the recent past. Early 40s, 5' 10", 125 pounds, long blond hair, and a bust that is just on the borderline of "real or fake?" Usually wearing high heeled boots and an outfit that probably set her back a couple thousand bucks at one of the nearby boutiques. She always manages to get one of the rare, prized tables with a nearby plug, where she'll set up a lamp and doodle for hours.

    Little Red Haired Girl. Short, somewhat curvy, curly red-haired woman who always wears tight sweaters. She's so adorable, you just want to hug her.

    The Cat Women. Not to be confused with cat hoarders, these are the women what work in a nearby salon, all of which are gorgeous, and all of which wear black catsuit-like outfits. A blond woman who drops in for coffee every hour from the salon is Queen of the Cat Women.

    The Compass F****rs. Any one of the many, many yoga moms who are more-or-less indistinguishable; late 20s to early 30s, 5' 5" to 5' 6", slender, blond hair pulled through a baseball cap, and buttcrack-hugging black yoga pants. I call them Compass F****rs because they all wear North Face jackets - so much North Face, a compass won't work here.

    Do you find yourself giving pet names to regulars at a coffee house, restaurant, or some other third place?
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  2. #2
    Cyburbian Queen B's avatar
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    Dan,
    I will confirm. Yes you are bad.

    I wish I had time to frequent someplace during the day. No I just got the office people.
    It is all a matter of perspective!!!

  3. #3
    Cyburbian stroskey's avatar
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    Dan, I am disappointed that in a thread mentioning many attractive women you link to a picture of an overweight man. Why don't you include visual comparisons for the other "regulars"? This is important stuff...
    I burned down the church to atone for my transgressions.

  4. #4
    Cyburbian The One's avatar
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    Hmmm.....

    Dan, since we've never met, I'll let you come up with your nick name that these people likely have for you.....GO....

    this should be good.....

    I'm waiting
    Skilled Adoxographer

  5. #5
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by The One View post
    Dan, since we've never met, I'll let you come up with your nick name that these people likely have for you.....GO....
    The Guy With The Mac Who Sometimes Wears Glasses And Sometimes Doesn't.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  6. #6
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
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    I do this at the gym. At lunch when I go, there are usually the same people who are trying to work out.

    Headband Guy - He always has a new headband and usually asks me if I need anything. You don't work here. You can't help me. He matches his shoes with his headband, which annoys me.

    Gymnast Girl - She seems to never do any lifting or cardio, she is just always stretching or bending somehow. I am sure her husband is happy that she is that flexible.

    and my favorite Gym Boss Guy - He only comes in every once and a while to check on everything. He makes sure everyone knows he is the boss. He has blond flowing hair and you can tell he just loves being as awesome as he is.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  7. #7
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Nicknaming is something we do everywhere at Chez Maister. We have nicknames for certain neighbors: The Kook (name says it all), Closet Lad (he's exploring his identity at long last) , Cat Lady Unleashed (imagine a typical Cat Lady but with a serious 'tude).

    We also have nicknames for employees at the pharmacy: Snagglepuss (has a chipped tooth and is often surly with customers), Butterball (balding, spherical shaped, bespectacled, but is the preferred one to deal with thanks to his laid back demeanor).

    At the bank: Ethel Merman (okay, she doesn't belt out show tunes, but she's a 50-something matronly Amazon and laughs often and borderline obnoxiously loud), The Weasel (imagine a stereotypical 50ish puny/nerdy/cardigan-wearing accountant but with beady little eyes who snickers when he laughs), Captain of the Team (recent college grad who is absurdly handsome/buff that causes Mrs. Maister's heart to go a-flutter whenever he's the teller waiting on her)

    I also have nicknames for people at work...but I don't think I'll post them here.

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    I like it. A group of us that are out of work are referred to as the geezer corner as opposed to the retirees who sit together at big tables and talk about their "work days" golf games and wintering in Florida. The "geezers" start out the day early at seperate tables in the same general area, read the local paper, share the Journal with each other, than we can head out and go apply for non existent jobs. And yes we have pet names for the other people. We also laugh at being called the "geezers"

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Hink_Planner View post
    I do this at the gym. At lunch when I go, there are usually the same people who are trying to work out.

    Headband Guy - He always has a new headband and usually asks me if I need anything. You don't work here. You can't help me. He matches his shoes with his headband, which annoys me.

    Gymnast Girl - She seems to never do any lifting or cardio, she is just always stretching or bending somehow. I am sure her husband is happy that she is that flexible.

    and my favorite Gym Boss Guy - He only comes in every once and a while to check on everything. He makes sure everyone knows he is the boss. He has blond flowing hair and you can tell he just loves being as awesome as he is.
    I can certainly relate to this being a gym regular myself.

    We have at my gym:

    Spot-Me-Johnny (AKA "King of the 2" Bench Press) - Always asks for a spot on bench press or seated shoulder presses, always with 225lbs, never more or less. When you hand it off to him he proceeds to do MAYBE a 2" range of motion, barely moving the bar down and back up, then racks it and claims you didn't do a good enough job of spotting him.

    Captain Douchebag - He's the guy who walks around with ILS (Imaginary Lat Syndrome) like he's carrying an invisible watermelon under each arm, wears a bandana and ripped up tank top with the sleeves cut way down so he's almost naked, and sounds like he's dying during every repetition of every exercise he performs - even bicep curls.

    Pull-Up Old Guy - There is a 70ish year old guy who probably weighs 105lbs soaking wet who comes in every day at the same time wearing his work clothes. He does about 5 sets of pullups, very slowly, and as many as he can. Then he leaves. That's it. That's all he does. Mystifying.

    Weird Naked Guy - I think this guy is homeless and actually lives in the locker room, because that's the only place you ever see him. I also don't think he own any clothes because you never see him wearing any (he's also quite overweight). If he sees you enough times he'll make it a habit to come chat with you a bit over by your locker, putting his foot up on the bench so he can prominently display his...everything. He also likes to dry his crotch under the hand dryers.

    The Poor Schlub - There is one guy who has been coming in for years. He actually pays one of the sorry "personal trainers" to help him get in shape and put on some size. Problem is, he's the same 5'9, 120lb skinny guy he was when he first started coming in 5 years ago. Maybe it has something to do with the fact all he does is sit on a giant ball and do 5lb dumbell raises?
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

  10. #10
    Cyburbian The One's avatar
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    Awww

    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    The Guy With The Mac Who Sometimes Wears Glasses And Sometimes Doesn't.
    What a let down
    Skilled Adoxographer

  11. #11
    maudit anglais
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    Quote Originally posted by The One View post
    What a let down
    Agreed - looks like we will have to come up with a nickname for him.

    Based on the fact he seems to spend most of his time coming up with descriptions are of the female regulars, I offer the following:

    Sir Stares a Lot
    Chest Eyes
    Sticky Keyboard Dude
    RichmondJake
    Last edited by Tranplanner; 04 Nov 2010 at 11:54 AM.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    Some of ours:

    Xtreme Dad - The coolest dad at our kids' school. Shaved head, lots of tattoos, impeccable sense of tough-guy style.

    Jonah Hill - A woman who looks like the actor.

    Einhorn- A guy at a local pizza place with a unicorn tattoo.

    Chin Braid - Local mechanic with a chin braid. (I'd be scared it would get caught in the engine)

    The Beautiful Boys - Young guys who lived next door and were referred to as such by a female neighbor.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Mud Princess's avatar
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    I think you need a real job, Dan.

    Oh, yeah...


  14. #14
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rygor View post
    ILS (Imaginary Lat Syndrome)
    Off-topic:
    So that's what they call it? I see that a lot around here among the Jersey Shore crowd. Some guy with normal build in an Affliction shirt walking around like he's carrying basketballs in his arms ...

    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  15. #15
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Based on the title of this thread, I thought it was about naming certain male body parts.

    Carry on.

  16. #16
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    We've named the local cranks at CC meetings with rock & roll tunes... They're descriptive enough not to have to do anything but give the names!

    Ramblin' Man
    Dazed and Confused
    Dream On
    My Generation
    I Heard It Through Grapevine
    What Kind of Fool Am I

    And of course... Crazy.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  17. #17
    Cyburbian Jen's avatar
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    Funny!!!!!

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