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Thread: Oildale Zoning -- a legendary pre-LOOT alt.planning.urban posting

  1. #1
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
    Mar 1996
    Upstate New York
    Blog entries

    Oildale Zoning -- a legendary pre-LOOT alt.planning.urban posting

    From: towering.inferno@mustang.com (Towering Inferno)
    Newsgroups: alt.planning.urban
    Subject: Zoning Regulations
    Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 19:38:20 GMT
    Message-ID: <941219202556419@mustang.com>
    Organization: Mustang Software, Inc. (805) 873-2500
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    Principality of Oildale
    Official Notice

    Officials from the Oildale Planning Department have recently inspected residences in your area, and have determined that your residence does not comply with local zoning regulations.

    You are hereby given 15 days notice to take whatever action is necessary to ensure that your residence is in compliance with these regulations. If after 15 days the zoning department determines that your residence is not in compliance with these regulations, officials of the Principality of Oildale will perform the necessary work and bill the occupant(s) of the residence for all costs incurred.

    The relevant sections of the zoning regulations are quoted

    SCHEDULE 87-13121b, Chapter 12, Section C, Subsections 1-6

    1.All residences, whether single family homes or multiple dwelling units, shall have no less than three of the following items, situated on a front or rear porch, outside staircase, fire escape, patio, deck, roof or balcony, plainly visible from outside the residence. For full compliance a minimum of one item from each list is required; however if two or more items from one list are present, items from two of the three lists will be considered to meet the regulations if the deficit is rectified no more than six months after beginning residence in Oildale:

    a) A major appliance in non-working condition, including
    but not limited to refrigerator, television set, console
    stereo, gas or electric range, dishwasher, washing machine,
    clothes dryer, water closet, lavatory, sink or hot water

    b) A large article of furniture, or pieces thereof
    sufficient to comprise a large article of furniture if such
    were to be assembled whether or not owing to the condition
    of the article such assembly is reasonably possible.
    Permissible articles include but are not limited to a couch,
    sofa, bed, mattress, table, bureau, shelving, desk or other
    article capable of accommodating a minimum of two adults in
    a standing, seated or reclining position.

    Preference shall be given to items damaged by fire,
    machinery, humans, animals, or insects (including the
    discharge of bodily or other fluids thereon), or in any
    otherwise filthy or ragged condition, or those with visible
    damage of the kind customarily caused by dropping the item
    from a staircase, porch, roof, balcony or window no lower
    than the second story of the residence.

    c) Any collection of refuse, including but not limited to
    trash cans, paper, carpets, cardboard cartons, packing
    crates, pallets, automotive parts, construction debris,
    newspapers (including householder mail), animal carcasses or
    portions thereof, or any other items ordinary considered
    unsuitable for outside storage.

    d) Laundry. When it becomes necessary through
    circumstances beyond the control of the householder to
    launder articles of clothing or household articles, these
    articles shall be displayed prominently on the outside of
    the premises. The use of clotheslines is discouraged where
    fences, shrubbery, outdoor furnishings, vehicles or animals
    are available for the purpose of drying or airing laundry.

    2. The grounds surrounding each residence shall contain at
    least one item in deteriorated or dilapidated condition,
    from each of the following lists:

    a) Outbuildings, including but not limited to garden shed,
    doghouse, cowshed, stable, chicken house, greenhouse,
    garage, tree house, playhouse, or other structure or vehicle
    ordinarily used to shelter or conceal humans, livestock,
    vehicles, machinery, vegetation, or refuse; House trailer or
    other temporary or permanent dwelling, whether habitable or
    not; outdoor toilet; or any assemblage of materials which
    may be used, whether by design or circumstance, to house,
    shelter, or conceal any item or activity whatsoever.

    b) Fencing: The property need not be fenced, particularly
    in cases where fencing would impede the free movement of
    livestock or vermin. Permissible fencing materials include
    but are not limited all items listed in paragraphs 1 and 2
    of this schedule. Additional permissible fencing materials
    shall include without limitation sheet metal, cardboard,
    packing crates and pallets, machinery parts, masonry, wire
    either woven or in strands, pieces of plywood or composition
    paneling boards, plastic sheeting, precast concrete sewer
    pipes, signage materials, vegetation, or any other article
    or material whatsoever.

    c) Vegetation: No less than 70 per cent of the grounds
    surrounding the residence shall be in an untended condition.
    Trees and tree limbs shall be allowed to grow in such a way
    as to encroach upon overhead utility lines, residence
    structures and other structures, and shall not be removed or
    trimmed. No person shall interfere with the growth of
    grasses or weeds on the grounds surrounding the residence.

    d) Vehicles: No fewer than three vehicles shall be visible
    from the exterior of the property at all times. A vehicle is
    defined as any device capable of transporting humans over
    land, air or water, and ordinarily powered by internal or
    external combustion engine, wind, electricity, or draft
    animal, or designed to be affixed to, carried upon or towed
    by another vehicle so powered. Human powered vehicles with
    the exception of rowboats are specifically excluded from
    this category. Any collection of parts from dismantled
    vehicles totaling in mass no less than the mass of one non-
    dismantled vehicle, whether or not those components could
    reasonably be re-assembled into a single vehicle, shall be
    considered a single vehicle. One unlicensed vehicle in non-
    running condition shall be considered the equivalent of two
    licensed vehicles in running condition.

    e) In addition to the requirement to store refuse on the
    outside portion of any residence structures on the property,
    additional refuse shall be distributed on the grounds
    surrounding the residence at a density of not less than one
    item per square foot. Refuse shall consist of any article or
    substance whatsoever, whether serviceable or not, which has
    been discarded temporarily or permanently by the occupant(s)
    of the residence, or by passers-by on the grounds of the
    residence. Items which could reasonably be expected to cause
    hazards to persons, animals, vehicles or machinery are
    included in this classification, as are any substances or
    items deemed noxious, poisonous, offensive, putrid or

    f) Articles not otherwise classified by type, including
    but not limited to television or mobile radio antennas,
    aerials or masts; nests or colonies of vermin including but
    not limited to mice, rats, gophers, moles, raccoons,
    opossums, badgers, skunks, crows, seagulls, starlings,
    lizards, snakes, dogs, cats, wasps, hornets, ants, termites,
    spiders, flies and cockroaches; garden ornaments including
    but not limited to concrete, wood or plastic representations
    of structures, humans, animals, birds or devices, whether
    actual or mythical; patriotic symbols including but not
    limited to Confederate, Nazi, Iraqi or Imperial Japanese
    flags; seasonal displays including but not limited to
    fireworks stands, nativity scenes, depictions of Santa
    Claus, or Elvis Presley; or any other article manufactured,
    designed or converted from its original purpose to the
    specific purpose of embellishment of the residence or the
    grounds surrounding the residence.

    3.The residence itself must be finished in one or more of
    the materials listed in Section 1, paragraphs a through
    c, and Section 2, paragraphs b through f above. Exterior
    window coverings shall consist of plastic sheeting,
    cardboard, rags or any other material in addition to or
    instead of glass. Outside stairways, particularly in the
    front of the residence, may be removed at the
    householder's discretion, so long as the doorway at the
    top of the steps remains in place and operational.
    Awnings or screens may be made of any material
    whatsoever, and may be secured by any temporary or
    permanent means desired.

    4.Any person, animal, device or equipment capable of
    generating sounds must operate in such a manner as to be
    plainly audible to a person of normal hearing at a
    distance no less than 100 feet from any property line of
    the residence, for no less than 12 hours per day. Such
    equipment includes but shall not be limited to
    stereophonic equipment, radios, televisions, amplified or
    unamplified musical instruments, public address systems,
    car alarms, firearms, ordnance, explosives, machinery,
    vehicle engines (see above for definition of vehicle),
    hand or power tools, or any other device whatsoever. The
    voluntary or involuntary vocalizations of animals
    residing in or around the residence shall be considered
    to fulfill a portion of the sound requirements and may be
    counted towards the total 12-hour daily allotment.

    5.Any person, animal, device or equipment capable of
    generating odors must be operated in such a manner as to
    be plainly detectable to a person of normal olfactory
    perception at a distance no less than 100 feet from any
    property line of the residence. Such odors include but
    shall not be limited to smoke, chemical waste,
    recreational substances, human and animal bodily
    secretions and excretions, trash, sewage, and any
    substance normally subject to odiferous decomposition
    either with or without intervention.

    6.A special permit is required for the deposition of refuse
    on adjoining vacant properties in lieu of defacement of
    one's own property. Such permits shall be granted only in
    circumstances where it can be shown that compliance with
    these regulations will cause the resident to undergo
    undue hardship, and only upon payment of all appropriate
    fees and assessments.

    SCHEDULE 87-13121c, Chapter 1, Section A: PROVISION FOR

    A resolution adopted by the Principality of Oildale in 1974
    requires that all residents periodically undertake to
    redistribute refuse equitably throughout the Principality.
    The following formal redistribution procedures are mandated:

    1.Yard Sales, herein defined as the regular, periodic
    display of household articles, refuse, vehicles and any
    other article or substance offered for sale to the
    general public, whether or not such items are actually
    sold, traded, bartered, or otherwise removed from the
    premises in exchange for valuable consideration or
    otherwise, shall be required of all Oildale residents no
    fewer than 6 times per year.

    Preference shall be given to the following general
    categories of items offered for sale or barter:

    a) Non-functional or obsolete articles.

    b) Articles whose function or purpose is impossible to
    determine through usual means of examination.

    c) Articles for which the means to establish legal
    ownership have been accidentally or deliberately obscured,
    including but not limited to removal or mutilation of serial
    numbers or other distinguishing marks.

    d) Articles for which rightful possession not been legally
    established, including but not limited to vehicles, chattels and
    other property covered by liens, deeds of trust, chattel or real
    mortgages, promissory notes, conditional sales agreements or any
    other loan whether by agreement between private individuals, or
    between private individuals and any recognized or unrecognized
    financial institution whatsoever.

    e) Any quantity of articles greater than two, commonly offered for
    resale through formal or informal retail merchandising practices,
    including but not limited to miracle herbal cures, treatments for
    bodily afflictions, fortune-telling and prognostication devices.

    f) Any device, substance or service the sale or proffering of which
    is ordinarily prohibited or restricted by federal, state, county or
    regional jurisdictions.

    2.Littering, herein defined as the spontaneous ejection or
    discharge of any of the substances listed in previous
    sections of this regulation, wherein the substance
    discharge falls upon public thoroughfares, private land
    holdings, and common rights-of-way, shall be required of
    all Oildale residents during any period of volitional or
    nonvolitional mobility.

    The Principality of Oildale (hereinafter referred to as "the
    Principality") has adopted a resolution discouraging
    burglary and housebreaking within the jurisdiction of the
    Principality as a means of redistribution of refuse,
    although no penalty shall be assessed for items thus gained
    through such pursuits lawfully or unlawfully undertaken
    outside the jurisdiction of the Principality.

    SCHEDULE 88-64121, Chapter 1, Section B, Subsections 2-5:

    The Statues of the Principality of Oildale provide for
    enforcement of the regulations contained herein, such
    enforcement to include without restriction or limitation the
    forcible defacement of the householder's property by
    Principality employees, assignees, contractors or any other
    person, device or substance whatsoever.

    Additional extraordinary penalties may be assessed by
    resolution of any body representing the Principality of
    Oildale, whether lawful or not, upon repeated non compliance
    with these regulations.

    Adopted by resolution of the Principality of Oildale this
    13th day of September 1994
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  2. #2
    Feb 2011
    Bakersfield, CA

    Do I dare admit to writing this?

    Yup, guilty. I still own the house across the street from the one that inspired this rant. That blighted disaster is long gone -- burned down by a disgruntled tenant/relative of the landlord.

    Sadly, I neglected to discuss arson as an approved option in the mitigation section.

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