Friend issues

[Rygor]

It sounds like a lot of us have these similarities. Is it a Cyburbian thing? I've got a lot of acquaintances, but few real "friends" like I did when I was younger, especially going through school. School really is the best time of your life, at least socially. When do you ever have the chance to interact with so many people on a pure social level ever again? So it stands to reason that pretty much ALL of my best friends are from college. I still keep in touch with most of them, although we are spread around the country now. My best friend is now in Denver. I've got a couple back in Illinois, still. Then I've got a good friend in Austin and one in Sacramento who I probably don't talk to nearly enough. My bestie in Denver and I speak on the phone at least once every 2 months for a while, and we usually see each other in person once or twice a year. My fiancee is of course the center of my life now, and we hang out with her mom and step-dad who live less than an hour away, but our friendships here don't yet have deep roots. I do have a good network of professional friends and acquaintances and with time I'm sure we'll start to feel more entrenched here.

[Veloise]

... My fiancee is of course the center of my life now, and we hang out with her mom and step-dad who live less than an hour away, but our friendships here don't yet have deep roots. I do have a good network of professional friends and acquaintances and with time I'm sure we'll start to feel more entrenched here.

WHAT?!?!? When did this happen?

[JNA]

I have tried the community group, church singles group, church bible study group, with little success - only one family can I count on being close too.
Haven't done the bar scene in 20 yrs; don't socialize with co-workers - all are married w/ kids, few are grand parents w/grandkids and not even friends on FB.
Don't have family nearby.

So I have resigned myself to being single just knowing some people and even fewer friends.

[otterpop]

MP/OP, care to share some of those book titles?. . .

The introvert advantage : how to thrive in an extrovert world by Marti Olsen Laney. That was the one I recently read that helped me. It has great suggestions about issues in the workplace, family, socialization and a layman's explanation of what makes introverts tick. Maybe your local library has it. Mine did.

[ofos]

The introvert advantage : how to thrive in an extrovert world by Marti Olsen Laney. That was the one I recently read that helped me. It has great suggestions about issues in the workplace, family, socialization and a layman's explanation of what makes introverts tick. Maybe your local library has it. Mine did.

Does it offer any non-snarky responses for when the extrovert, who has monopolized conversations all night and cuts everyone off in the middle of their sentences, finally turns and says "ofos, why have you been so quiet tonight?"

[btrage]

I've never been afraid to pull the plug on a friendship, or draw back on the level of friendship with someone. I don't like drama.

Because of this, I have very, very few close friends.

I think if I didn't have a wife and kids, I would probably have more friends. But my time is spent with family for the most part.

[Seabishop]

...Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain...

That book was good, although I find that reading stuff like that makes me focus too much on the issue and makes me walk around all day thinking of myself as an "INTROVERT."

I'm pretty much also at the point where socializing is wife, kids, occassional family and that's it.

Actually, I have to prepare for some small talk now at a school social event.

[The One]

That gets an "Aaaawwwwwwww!!". I bet we could have a heck of a game of Jenga in your living room!

Scrabble too......There should be a whole town of nothing by Cyburbians, can you imagine how great that would be? We'd have a special shed for Rumpy though

[Mud Princess]

Does it offer any non-snarky responses for when the extrovert, who has monopolized conversations all night and cuts everyone off in the middle of their sentences, finally turns and says "ofos, why have you been so quiet tonight?"

Believe me, I'm sure I could come up with some...

[wahday]

I too count myself among the ranks of the introvert. At my advancing age, I no longer fret about how many friends I have or much about my social life. Its all been eaten up by children and married life. But those are all very fulfilling relationships, so I’m good. I have a handful (maybe) of pretty close friends, but many of them are not people I see on a regular basis. Some don’t even live in my town. Really, aside from my wife (my best friend…) I have one close friend here. Then another circle of not so close but chummy acquaintances, then people I get along with and enjoy but really only see at kids’ parties or other unexpected times and who I wouldn’t go out of my way to make plans for. Then there is everyone else.

I think, as an introvert, I tend to have fewer and closer relationships rather than a cadre of friends. I always wondered about those people – who ran with a crowd and would ask “what’s everyone doing tonight?” I was never one of them, though I sometimes hung out with them. And I used to think maybe that was what a normal person did. But I am happy with my relationships and who I am at this point, so its been a long time since I fretted about that stuff. I also come from a small family but grew up around a lot of Irish and Italian Americans, many of whom had rather large families (not to mention extended families with cousins and such that lived close by – another thing I did not have). So I always had a fascination with that kind of world. But I have come to realize that just isn’t my particular background or inclination.

[Otis]

I have one very close friend who lives in Virginia, and I live in Oregon. I moved away over 20 years ago. When we get together we pick up right where we left off the last time. We were business partners in addition to being close friends, so we have all kinds of experiences toghether to draw on. He was best man at my second wedding (and I dated his now wife between my marriages and while they were pre-maritally briefly broken up . A couple of years ago my wife was hospitalized near death while she was in Virginia, and I was able to call on him to come to her aid. As she got better he took care of her, even buying clothes for her while she was hospitalized. He likes to ask me how my wife likes the VS underwear he bought her.

I had four very close friends in high school. I lost track of one immediately after graduation. He came back into my life a couple of months ago when he saw my father's obituary in the paper and callled my mother. I will see him in October when I go back there. One I know of in Las Vegas, but we have gone very different ways and I reconnecting would be pointless. One lives in Lincoln, NE and basically blew me off a few years ago when I contacted him. Bye-bye, old friend. I lost another along the way somewhere, too.

On the other hand, there are people on this site who I would like to see, and in fact feel closer to than some of my oldest (ex)friends. I've never met any of these people, but think friendship would ensue. Even with the craven pox-marked pumpion among us.

[kjel]

I have one very close friend who lives in Virginia, and I live in Oregon. I moved away over 20 years ago. When we get together we pick up right where we left off the last time. We were business partners in addition to being close friends, so we have all kinds of experiences toghether to draw on. He was best man at my second wedding (and I dated his now wife between my marriages and while they were pre-maritally briefly broken up . A couple of years ago my wife was hospitalized near death while she was in Virginia, and I was able to call on him to come to her aid. As she got better he took care of her, even buying clothes for her while she was hospitalized. He likes to ask me how my wife likes the VS underwear he bought her.

I had four very close friends in high school. I lost track of one immediately after graduation. He came back into my life a couple of months ago when he saw my father's obituary in the paper and callled my mother. I will see him in October when I go back there. One I know of in Las Vegas, but we have gone very different ways and I reconnecting would be pointless. One lives in Lincoln, NE and basically blew me off a few years ago when I contacted him. Bye-bye, old friend. I lost another along the way somewhere, too.

On the other hand, there are people on this site who I would like to see, and in fact feel closer to than some of my oldest (ex)friends. I've never met any of these people, but think friendship would ensue. Even with the craven pox-marked pumpion among us.

Otis, we'll be in Oregon next May for about 10 days. I am bringing my family as well. My SO has never been to Oregon so I'm planning to take a jaunt down the coast from Seaside to your fair town

[otterpop]

Does it offer any non-snarky responses for when the extrovert, who has monopolized conversations all night and cuts everyone off in the middle of their sentences, finally turns and says "ofos, why have you been so quiet tonight?"

A couple weeks ago at a meeting, the extroverts were in fine form and I couldn't get a word in edge-wise. Finally at the close at the meeting someone asked me something and I answered, and my new boss says "He speaks!"

Way to go, Chief. Squash any desire to participate. Like I think, but, of course, rarely say, "I leave the talking to the people who like to talk."

[ofos]

A couple weeks ago at a meeting, the extroverts were in fine form and I couldn't get a word in edge-wise. Finally at the close at the meeting someone asked me something and I answered, and my new boss says "He speaks!"

Way to go, Chief. Squash any desire to participate. Like I think, but, of course, rarely say, "I leave the talking to the people who like to talk."

Ouch. Nothing like forced humor at your expense. The non-stop babblers will invariably tell you that being a good listener is one of their strengths. Don't know when they find time.

[Otis]

Otis, we'll be in Oregon next May for about 10 days. I am bringing my family as well. My SO has never been to Oregon so I'm planning to take a jaunt down the coast from Seaside to your fair town

Then there will be a get-together! I'm looking forward to it.

[MacheteJames]

The GF and I talk about this all the time. We feel like two people on an island in a vast sea at times because as childless 30 somethings, so many of our old friends have kids and are thus dead to the world, socially. Others have moved away and are out of reach except for the occasional visit once or twice a year.

One of my close buddies died in a car wreck earlier this year at age 30 and I think about him every day. We had known each other since we were 13, and thinking about his loss makes me realize that the odds of finding buddies like him again are small. The history is just not there. I've found that as people age, they become increasingly selective about who they'll let into their lives, and by the time you hit your 30s, many have decided that their social circles are what they are and that no one new is needed.

I ran a Meetup group for a while, but as cool as it was, I found that it attracted, um... a lot of attractive, single ladies looking for men - and as a dude in a committed relationship, it was no longer a good fit for me.

For the friends that I've made in the last 5 years, I've found that one of the keys is to be into the same stuff. I have a ton of bike racer buddies who I'm able to train and race with. I've made great friends through riding.

Here is some food for thought: why is it that the relationships between female friends turn seemingly at the drop of a hat from love to hate so easily? Guys that are true friends are like blood brothers for life, while with women, I see their friendships end all the time for the pettiest of reasons. Why is this?

[terraplnr]

I’ve only ever intentionally stopped communication with one old friend, because she wronged one of my much closer friends. But add another introvert to the list… getting married at a young age and moving to the other side of the country, away from family and high school/college friends didn’t help either. I have a good friend here from my previous employer and am friends with some of my son’s friends moms. I also join in on events with co-workers, but the ones that have these get-togethers are all 15-20 years older than me. The co-workers that are my age either have their own friends/families or I don’t really want to hang out with them outside of work.

[Veloise]

Do you *have* to see her? If not, I would avoid her. Like I said earlier, these type of people are draining and suck all the energy out of you. Stay away if at all possible.

The whole relationship thing is a part of the cycle of life. Things change, people change (some grow up, some don't), priorities change. ...

It went okay, in part because I scheduled a vet visit (sick kitty) for early afternoon. That meant only a couple of hours to wander the fantabulous quilt show (her: "WHY don't you quilt???"). Fortunately she was attached to another friend (they shared a motel room) who added much common sense. My old friend is a motormouth who doesn't listen, repeats herself, tells the same monologues over and over. (I could recite Our Sibling Trip to Florida When Dad Died in 1985 verbatim. Chapter 5: Aunt Ella Declines to Go in Time Because She Has a Hair Appointment)

Friend: what are you doing this weekend?
Me: Headed to Jackson for the Civil War muster, there's a ball, I get to dance to my mentor.
20 minutes later she asked the same exact question. I said I'm headed to the Civil War muster, and her friend piped up, "It's in Jackson."