Urban planning community

+ Reply to thread
Results 1 to 23 of 23

Thread: Two drink minimum: the comic stylings of our very own HomerJ

  1. #1
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2004
    Location
    on my 15 minute break
    Posts
    19,374

    Two drink minimum: the comic stylings of our very own HomerJ

    Quote Originally posted by HomerJ View post
    1. Tonight I will perform stand up comedy for the first time at an open mic night
    2. I am terrified
    3. Oh well, it's a bucket list item and a 3rd date with a girl, what's the worst that can happen?
    4. Did I mention I am terrified?
    5. I honestly don't know how I put myself into these situations
    So what are some of your ideas? And remember, the difference between a comic and a comedian is that one says things funny and the other says funny things - which are you planning to do?

    Anyone else curious either to hear a preview or an after-action report?
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  2. #2
    Cyburbian ursus's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Northern Utah
    Posts
    4,270
    Quote Originally posted by Maister View post

    Anyone else curious either to hear a preview or an after-action report?
    I'm interested in both. HomerJ's got cajones, he's taking a date to HIS open mic night, first shot. I'm, well, I'm impressed. I'd be up for preview or post-mortem.
    "...I would never try to tick Hink off. He kinda intimidates me. He's quite butch, you know." - Maister

  3. #3
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    at the neighboring pub
    Posts
    5,596
    Quote Originally posted by ursus View post
    I'm interested in both. HomerJ's got cajones, he's taking a date to HIS open mic night, first shot. I'm, well, I'm impressed. I'd be up for preview or post-mortem.
    Wow... that takes some serious brass. Good luck HomerJ!

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  4. #4
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2004
    Location
    on my 15 minute break
    Posts
    19,374
    Maybe we should provide assistance - you know, possibly give him some practice at responding to hecklers?
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  5. #5
    Cyburbian hilldweller's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Land of Confusion
    Posts
    3,822
    Got to work the crowd into it. And by this I mean find some timid-looking individual in the front row and make fun of him/her. That's always good for a few laughs (although it does have the potential to backfire).

  6. #6
    Cyburbian dvdneal's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Remote command post at local bar
    Posts
    6,546
    Good luck on both the comedy and the third date. You're a braver man than I.
    I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.

  7. #7
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2004
    Location
    on my 15 minute break
    Posts
    19,374
    Hi there, I'm HomerJ and I'm a city planner. (pause as if waiting for audience to say in unison 'hello HomerJ'). I almost feel like I should be at a meeting when I say that. Yes, I'm actually a planner and that means I get to experience a lot of excitement on the job. Excitement. Some guys become soldiers, firefighters, and paramedics to get their excitement fix but I'm the kinda guy that gets those thrills from answering questions at public hearings for rezonings, and site plan reviews for the Circle K store nearest you. I know alot of you probably think you know what it's like to be a planner just because you've seen a few action movies about planners under fire....and by 'fire' I mean, you know, public scrutiny. But it's not as tough as they portray on the big screen. Speaking of tough, the other day some burly guy whose six four walks up to me at the counter and says 'I wanna put one a them 30 by 30 pole barns in mah front yard to store mah chainsaws." I had to tell him "sir, the proposed structure exceeds the maximum allowable square-footage for accessory structures on residentially zoned lots". I can't begin to tell how powerful and in control that made me feel...
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  8. #8
    Cyburbian hilldweller's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Land of Confusion
    Posts
    3,822
    Quote Originally posted by Maister View post
    Hi there, I'm HomerJ and I'm a city planner. (pause as if waiting for audience to say in unison 'hello HomerJ'). I almost feel like I should be at a meeting when I say that. Yes, I'm actually a planner and that means I get to experience a lot of excitement on the job. Excitement. Some guys become soldiers, firefighters, and paramedics to get their excitement fix but I'm the kinda guy that gets those thrills from answering questions at public hearings for rezonings, and site plan reviews for the Circle K store nearest you. I know alot of you probably think you know what it's like to be a planner just because you've seen a few action movies about planners under fire....and by 'fire' I mean, you know, public scrutiny. But it's not as tough as they portray on the big screen. Speaking of tough, the other day some burly guy whose six four walks up to me at the counter and says 'I wanna put one a them 30 by 30 pole barns in mah front yard to store mah chainsaws." I had to tell him "sir, the proposed structure exceeds the maximum allowable square-footage for accessory structures on residentially zoned lots". I can't begin to tell how powerful and in control that made me feel...
    And the heckling ensued..

  9. #9
    Cyburbian beach_bum's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2007
    Location
    more West now
    Posts
    3,268
    "You would be amazed at what people think they don't need permits to do these days. I mean you are building a 800 square foot shed in your backyard which your mother-in-law may or may not live in. Yes, you need a building permit. The zoning code is only 300 pages, do I really need to look up setbacks for you for that shed/apartment. It is in section 3.3.4(A)(3)(c)(iii), everyone knows that, geez. Let's talk about plan review, if I had a dollar every time I practically designed the site for these "engineers" I would be a rich man. You wouldn't believe all the bad and illogical designs I've saved you all from! That parking lot on 2nd Avenue though, that was before my time, I can't take any responsibility for that."
    "Never invest in any idea you can't illustrate with a crayon." ~Peter Lynch

  10. #10
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Slightly Off-Center
    Posts
    8,261
    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar...

    Sorry, that's all I got.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  11. #11
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Hang on Sloopy...land
    Posts
    11,112
    Quote Originally posted by ofos View post
    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar...

    Sorry, that's all I got.
    The nun ducks...
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  12. #12
    Cyburbian dvdneal's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Remote command post at local bar
    Posts
    6,546
    After talking with the latest yokel who wants to/might already live in a camper in the floodplain I believe if it weren't for wives men would all live in campers in the woods, without permits, foraging for food.
    I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian hilldweller's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Land of Confusion
    Posts
    3,822
    Quote Originally posted by dvdneal View post
    After talking with the latest yokel who wants to/might already live in a camper in the floodplain I believe if it weren't for wives men would all live in campers in the woods, without permits, foraging for food.
    Is it a pop-up camper? I always thought those were real classy.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
    Registered
    May 2005
    Location
    New Town
    Posts
    3,947
    I want to open with a joke my father told me:

    What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Well, anyone can mash potatoes...

    *cricket* *cricket*

    Hello?, is this thing on? *tap* *tap* I know you're out there, I can feel you leering at me...

    Ok, maybe something a bit racier?:


    So, Superman is killing a little time one slow Saturday afternoon and flies over the tallest penthouse in Metropolis when he spies Wonder Woman sunbathing. Nude. Now, she's Wonder Woman, right? So she looks fantastic. And Superman, he just pauses there in mid flight, looking down at her and studying the scene, as it were, when he has a less-than-noble thought. "You know, with my super powers, I could zoom down there, do my business and be outta there before she even knew what was happening..."

    As he says this, Wonder Woman stretches luxuriously and he just can't stand it. He flies down to her, faster than lightning, gets busy, and then flies off in a flash.

    Wonder Woman stirs and seems to come out of a daze, asking "what in the world as that?!"

    "I don't know," says the Invisible Man "but my a$$ is killing me!"


    Better, right? huh? Hello? Ok, ok, let's try something else....

    A farmer who recently ventured into raising hogs is feeling the pinch of the economy and worries that he can't afford the fee to impregnate his sows. So, he consults his local veterinarian.

    "You know" the vet says, looking surreptitiously from side to side and leaning closer to the farmer "not a lot of people realize this, but you really don't need a hog to knock up those sows. You can, er, do it yourself, if you know what I mean..."

    "How will I know if they are pregnant?" the farmer asks.

    "Oh, you'll know. They will be rolling around in the mud and chasing each other around the pen"

    So the farmer heads home, loads up the pigs into the truck, takes them out to a remote location and, well, has his way with each of them. He then drives them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he notices nothing different about the sows, so he takes them out again. Same thing with the next day and on through the end of the week.

    Saturday comes and the farmer, hoping to sleep in, is awakened by his wife.

    "Come quick!" she says

    "What is it?!" asks the farmer.

    "Its the pigs, your...your not going to believe this!" she says.

    "What?! Are they rolling around in the mud and chasing each other around the pen?!" asks the farmer, hopefully.

    "No, no, nothing like that. They've loaded themselves up in the truck and one of them is in the driver's seat honking the horn - I've never seen anything like it!"


    Too much? Ok, well, I can see my date has left and some of you are too, so...I guess I'll just close by saying

    I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables!

    Thank you, you've been great! Now, who can give me a ride home?
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  15. #15
    Cyburbian HomerJ's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 2010
    Location
    I'm gettin' there
    Posts
    956
    Honestly I don't think people would respond much to "Planner" humor. It's unfortunately too nuanced. Besides, I don't really want to give away too much direct personal information about myself under such circumstances. I generally don't like the one liner type of approach, so I'm going to make myself the butt of the jokes with what I hope is an interesting story. I have a few "saves" too if things get shakey,

    "Sorry about that one, I guess it was better for me than it was for you...and that is definitely NOT what she said. Ever. Anywhere."

    That being said, my date had to cancel, so kind of a let down tonight (but admittedly a relief too). I have already committed myself though, so this has to happen. And, now I have a little more time to develop a better routine.
    Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Where the Wild Things Are
    Posts
    2,412
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

  17. #17
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    19,342
    Will your performance be posted on youtube ?
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Where the Wild Things Are
    Posts
    2,412
    So, the whole forum wants to know...

    How did it go?
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Midori's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2013
    Location
    the Bible belt
    Posts
    751
    That bad, huh?

  20. #20
    Cyburbian HomerJ's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 2010
    Location
    I'm gettin' there
    Posts
    956
    Quote Originally posted by Midori View post
    That bad, huh?

    haha NO! Read above, my date had to cancel last second so I was spared last night. However, I'll be able to report back on my wild success one week from now and still will gladly welcome any attempts made here to add to my material.
    Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

  21. #21
    Cyburbian WSU MUP Student's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Lowering the PCI in the Hills
    Posts
    6,240
    Quote Originally posted by HomerJ View post
    haha NO! Read above, my date had to cancel last second so I was spared last night. However, I'll be able to report back on my wild success one week from now and still will gladly welcome any attempts made here to add to my material.
    Ahhh....

    I thought you meant that you were relieved because she would not be there to see you bomb perform.

    Best of luck to you next week. You are a braver man than I.
    "Where free unions and collective bargaining are forbidden, freedom is lost." - 1980 Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan

  22. #22
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
    Registered
    May 2005
    Location
    New Town
    Posts
    3,947
    WSU MUP Student and HomerJ, you all have to get this avatar thing straight. Its very confusing.

    HomerJ, I also commend you for your cajones. I'm terrified for you. And you don't seem nervous at all... Hope you kill it next week!
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Where the Wild Things Are
    Posts
    2,412
    Quote Originally posted by WSU MUP Student View post
    Ahhh....

    I thought you meant that you were relieved because she would not be there to see you bomb perform.

    Best of luck to you next week. You are a braver man than I.
    That's what I thought, too.

    Break a leg! (does that have the same meaning for comedians?)
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

+ Reply to thread

More at Cyburbia

  1. Costumes at comic-con
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 22
    Last post: 17 Oct 2013, 1:45 PM
  2. Happy birthday, jresta & HomerJ
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 9
    Last post: 16 Sep 2013, 9:06 AM
  3. Replies: 20
    Last post: 19 Mar 2013, 4:14 PM
  4. Replies: 11
    Last post: 08 Oct 2012, 1:19 PM
  5. Happy birthday jresta and HomerJ
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 12
    Last post: 13 Sep 2012, 6:25 PM