You're right, and I agree. I feel responsible, although I know that I taught her what I could. I have to trust that I did my job to the best of my ability, and this is just temporary.Originally posted by ofos
You're right, and I agree. I feel responsible, although I know that I taught her what I could. I have to trust that I did my job to the best of my ability, and this is just temporary.
You just need to accept that she is now an embarrassment to herself, not you. That may be the hardest part.
“Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”
Totally arrogance of youth. The fall is hard and she'll learn when someone knocks her off her perch.
"He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16
RE: the original posting about outsourcing manners, I have to say, as a parent of two, a THIRD PARTY enforcer of good behavior is often far more effective than a parents'. Aunts and uncles are perfect, but if you don't have any around, this can become a challenge. Those little hellions KNOW you can't forsake them (being your offspring and all) and so they save all their worst behavior for home.
But seriously, we work very hard on the manners with our kids. We eat dinner every night together at the table with real utensils and napkins. Which seems a rare occurrence these days. They really are very polite and well behaved (in public at least) but the boy (the elder) is a real sloppy eater, whereas the younger (the girl) is super neat. Maybe its a boy/girl, gross motor/fine motor issue, but you would think the older one, with 5 years of undivided attention/harassment/pestering from his parents would be the more exemplary. But no, such is not the case. Its improved, but I am always appalled when he comes home from school or wherever with some smear of something or other on his face. How long have you looked like that?! - you're 12 for Christ's sake! But he's also a boy. I am always heartened when I see other boys of the same age looking more slovenly than him. He's not the neatest, but he's not the nastiest either.
The purpose of life is a life of purpose
It sucks as parents to try your damndest for kind, grateful, and respectful kids only to have something like that come out of their mouth. How old is your daughter? It's hard not to feel responsible for their attitudes/behaviors, self imposed guilt is a powerful thing.You have to trust that you taught her correctly, and continue to teach her, but as kjel said, the most effective way to learn is the hard way and that usually comes from somewhere else. As a parent, you want to try to protect them from that, but at the end of the day, that's usually what it will take.
My big struggle lately is trying to teach my daughter (8) and bf's son (11) that even using your manners can be done in a disrespectful way - there is a way to say "no thank you" in a smart-assy way. So it's not just what you say, but how you said it, how you act, and being gracious. Also, trying to teach them to appreciate what they have and the opportunities they are given. It's hard when the ex-h bought our daughter a freaken ipad for Christmas, but the best thing ever was her saying to me that the best present from Santa was giving her Christmas morning to touch and play with her Elf on the Shelf (Side note, for those that don't know what this is, consider yourself lucky). Of course that was the best gift ever until the ipad
Our kids can be a handful but are pretty good kids, so I'm not complaining. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much. It's hard to know where that line is.
Don't want to rain on your parade, but especially if you are not in a store with children, do NOT approach a child unless you are really loud as in "HEY THERE IS A KID HERE, WHERE IS A PARENT?" and stand there until an employee or the parent comes over. Do not engage a child. Do not lead them anywhere. For your own protection, do not ever be alone with a child that is not yours, or one you have not been entrusted to take care of.Several times over the last few weeks, I've "been the village" for a frustrated parent by making an out-loud observation involving the "S" name. It's fun, seems to go over well.
Most recently (days after Christmas), a pre-schooler was a clothing rack away from his caretakers, smiling and hiding just out of visual range. They weren't frantic yet. Playfully, I turned into a wind indicator, swiveling to monitor his moves, adding a sonar <ping>. As his mom went behind the manikins to collect him, I said, wonder if Santa is seeing this.
Mom perked up, led him over to me using the hood of his coat. "Joshua, did you hear what she said? Listen to this!" With the audience paying rapt attention, I repeated it.
Happy to help out.
In your familiar circle, sure, guide as you will; those are the kids of people who know you and trust you.
We weren't alone; this was in a Tar-zhay. Mom and similar-age woman were by the check-outs, I was across the aisle in the shopping area, as was the kid. They looked around for him, started calling. There was only one place to find him (he would have been visible if he were in the check-outs). I made an overhead gesture pointing down to where he was, he saw me do that, and then the games began.
Same trip I took my water bottle to the drinking fountain, and saw a cart of three kids parked by the restroom hallway (bad design). Oldest was wearing a cat-face head scarf (the ends were the paw pads). Her shoelaces were untied, and I advised her of this with a comment about how kitties always land on their feet when they fall but we didn't want to try this out.
Appreciate the concern; I engage with people I haven't yet met any time I'm out. My mother used to tell me about the time my 2yo self was out of her visual range in a store, and a woman tried to lead me away; very cognizant of that issue.
I'm going to echo this. You can't be too careful around other people's kids; there's so much suspicion about kidnapping and child molesters and you could find yourself accused of something you had no intention of doing. I understand that your intentions were good, just be careful about interacting with kids who don't know you.
It's sad that things have come to this.
This thread made me start thinking of we are teaching etiquette lessons to our children. As some of you know, I am taking a very old school approach. As in it is "yes sir, no sir, yes ma'me, no ma'me, and proper titles of Mr. Mrs. Miss, or Ms if the person they are addressing is older than 18. We also pray before every meal even when we eat out and when he wants to get down from the table, he is required to ask if he can be excused, in which case he takes his plate to the sink. It is never, I want to do this or that, it is "may I" do this or that, and if he needs help, it is "would you please help me with....". Please and thank you are a must.
He also understands that disrespect will result in a time out or a spanking and that when he does not use is manners or proper etiquette will will not respond what so ever. He could be flipping out throwing a fit in the middle of the kitchen floor saying "I WANT LUNCH" and we will leave the room. After he calms down we will explain that if we wants to communicate with us, he needs to us his manners otherwise we will not respond.
He just turned for but thus far, I think we are making good progress. In the end, I will not tolerate him acting like many of these kids that I see in public today, and public manners start with manners at home.
When compassion exceeds logic for too long, chaos will ensue. - Unknown
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