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Thread: The Soul's Midnight

  1. #76
    Cyburbian ursus's avatar
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    A long way from my ash trees

    It's funny how far I am from some of the geography that's dear to me. I'm sitting on s horrible sectional in a basement unable to sleep in whole new ways. Some of my family is asleep in the next room - but not all of them and that's on me. That's a hard realization I think. I've avoidex blame for lots of things in life with my funny disposition and my peanut-butter ad face,but my family's situation is not ideal and clearly all my fault. And the real kicker is tonight I can't sleep because of my boss, not my wife.

    So I'm out of my woods and onto the frightening open plain of some uncharted country for me. You know, you keep your job and don't recognize your own work anymore and you start to wonder if you gained anything keeping that job after a bad review or reprimand. Uncharted is the right word. Bad geography. So tonight I needed the souls midnight because it's familiar where so much feels foreign right now. I'm staying away from the burbs right now for work, but tonight I just couldn't. It's raining in somebody else's back yard into a window well six feet to my left and I'm thinking about my own soul's geography and how very without map or compass I feel tonight.

    See you soon, cyburbians. Goodnight till then.
    "...I would never try to tick Hink off. He kinda intimidates me. He's quite butch, you know." - Maister

  2. #77
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by ursus View post
    It's funny how far I am from some of the geography that's dear to me. I'm sitting on s horrible sectional in a basement unable to sleep in whole new ways. Some of my family is asleep in the next room - but not all of them and that's on me. That's a hard realization I think. I've avoidex blame for lots of things in life with my funny disposition and my peanut-butter ad face,but my family's situation is not ideal and clearly all my fault. And the real kicker is tonight I can't sleep because of my boss, not my wife.

    So I'm out of my woods and onto the frightening open plain of some uncharted country for me. You know, you keep your job and don't recognize your own work anymore and you start to wonder if you gained anything keeping that job after a bad review or reprimand. Uncharted is the right word. Bad geography. So tonight I needed the souls midnight because it's familiar where so much feels foreign right now. I'm staying away from the burbs right now for work, but tonight I just couldn't. It's raining in somebody else's back yard into a window well six feet to my left and I'm thinking about my own soul's geography and how very without map or compass I feel tonight.

    See you soon, cyburbians. Goodnight till then.
    'm sorry that things are weighing on you....I'll keep you in my thoughts.

  3. #78
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ursus View post
    It's funny how far I am from some of the geography that's dear to me. I'm sitting on s horrible sectional in a basement unable to sleep in whole new ways. Some of my family is asleep in the next room - but not all of them and that's on me. That's a hard realization I think. I've avoidex blame for lots of things in life with my funny disposition and my peanut-butter ad face,but my family's situation is not ideal and clearly all my fault. And the real kicker is tonight I can't sleep because of my boss, not my wife.

    So I'm out of my woods and onto the frightening open plain of some uncharted country for me. You know, you keep your job and don't recognize your own work anymore and you start to wonder if you gained anything keeping that job after a bad review or reprimand. Uncharted is the right word. Bad geography. So tonight I needed the souls midnight because it's familiar where so much feels foreign right now. I'm staying away from the burbs right now for work, but tonight I just couldn't. It's raining in somebody else's back yard into a window well six feet to my left and I'm thinking about my own soul's geography and how very without map or compass I feel tonight.

    See you soon, cyburbians. Goodnight till then.
    Quote Originally posted by kms View post
    'm sorry that things are weighing on you....I'll keep you in my thoughts.
    Same here. Sometimes the traveling without a map is the best thing you can do for yourself. I've done it several times and come out better for it.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  4. #79
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    I just scrolled through all the FAC titles to find this thread and I have come to the realization that we are all freakin crazy people (myself included)

    working late from home

  5. #80
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ursus View post
    It's funny how far I am from some of the geography that's dear to me. I'm sitting on s horrible sectional in a basement unable to sleep in whole new ways. Some of my family is asleep in the next room - but not all of them and that's on me. That's a hard realization I think. I've avoidex blame for lots of things in life with my funny disposition and my peanut-butter ad face,but my family's situation is not ideal and clearly all my fault. And the real kicker is tonight I can't sleep because of my boss, not my wife.

    So I'm out of my woods and onto the frightening open plain of some uncharted country for me. You know, you keep your job and don't recognize your own work anymore and you start to wonder if you gained anything keeping that job after a bad review or reprimand. Uncharted is the right word. Bad geography. So tonight I needed the souls midnight because it's familiar where so much feels foreign right now. I'm staying away from the burbs right now for work, but tonight I just couldn't. It's raining in somebody else's back yard into a window well six feet to my left and I'm thinking about my own soul's geography and how very without map or compass I feel tonight.

    See you soon, cyburbians. Goodnight till then.
    Oh man! Ursus, I have been there. I don’t know the details of your situation, but its no joke to say that we are our own worst critics (or enemies). True, we have never met, but I can tell that the way you view yourself and the decisions you have made at the midnight hour when you are tired and down is nowhere close to the way others see you. I am certain of that. And the truth is (and I am still learning to accept this) EVERYONE IS WINGING IT – THERE IS NO ROAD MAP! I used to think grownups had it all together. Then I became one and waited for it all to make sense. It never did. For a long time this translated to thinking there was something wrong with me – that I was not as together as those mythic “grownups” of my youth. But then I realized that even way back when, when I physically looked up to the adults, they were (and still are) just making it up as they go.

    Why didn’t anyone tell me?!

    My personal neurosis-driven fest of sleeplessness is fueled by the fact that I am in the process of extracting myself from an executive level position that was eating me alive. Feelings of self-doubt, a fear that I have no frickin’ idea of what I am doing, that I am leading the organization to ruin, that I am not working hard enough, or smart enough or efficiently enough. And that’s just related to the job. Long hours, evening meetings, weekend obligations and more have kept me away from the family and that creates another unhappy scenario. Tension, resentment, distance. I missed my daughter’s play last month because I had a board meeting. She said it was ok and understood, but it really wasn’t. This is the kind of shit they make made for TV movies about. Or that people go to therapy for. Just another opportunity to put a notch on the tightening belt of self-hatred.

    So, you see how it happens? All of this is my fault. I took the job, I decide how much of my personal time it eats, I am the one distant and distracted on the weekends. At work, I am the one the staff is frustrated with or hasn’t raised enough money or who failed to review that contract closely enough. Its all my frickin’ fault!

    But it isn’t really. I am well-loved at my job and home (as I expect you are). I am leaving in a responsible way, ensuring overlap with the next director. I have been accommodating and patient with my staff. In the light of a well-rested day, I see all of that. But when it turns dark, the goblins come out and mess with my mind. Sadly, there is always a little truth to the narrative of how horrible I think I am in the middle of the night, which is what makes it so insidious. But its not 100% true. It never is.

    Besides it’s the good, thoughtful, reflective and sensitive people who actually do the retrospection that results in self-doubt. These are the people I most relate to because they give a crap. But apparently giving a crap comes with some baggage.

    I don’t know if any of that relates to your situation, but hang in there nonetheless. Everything is always better in the light of day. You are a good man.
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  6. #81
    Cyburbian ursus's avatar
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    This ^^^

    Thank You. This was very nearly the best truth I could have heard.
    "...I would never try to tick Hink off. He kinda intimidates me. He's quite butch, you know." - Maister

  7. #82
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    I just got out of my zoning writing committee's 2 hour meeting and I learned I can only function and focus on zoning policy discussions (form based code in particular) for an hour

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