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Thread: America's Fighting Forces

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    America's Fighting Forces

    In light of our recent discussions on another thread, I thought it might be helpful to offer this short description of the various branches in the U.S. military and their wartime roles.

    Coast Guard. Bravely defends the U.S. coastline by stopping and searching boatloads of bikini-clad women off the Florida keys. Gripes about their difficult conditions while swilling cheap beer in a Miami bar.

    Navy. A fighting force with no interest in bikini-clad women (rumor has it), the U.S. Navy readies itself for battle at sea against its rival’s flotillas. Did somebody say anachronism? Complains about its difficult environment on the way to the on-board movie theater after a freshly prepared dinner.

    Air Force. Lives in dangerous conditions just a few hundred miles from the front, in trailers with forced-air heating and cooling, and indoor plumbing. Its 24-hour mess hall serves grilled steaks. Flyboys commisserate on their rough lot with the RAF while drinking wine and beer beside a pool, listening to the sound of a live jazz band. (I actually witnessed this.)

    Army. Grunts are the backbone of the U.S. military. They live on the front or just behind it, and are lulled to sleep by the sounds of artillery and tanks. They eat T-rats and hot coffee, live in canvas tents, and occassionally shower. They do complain about the conditions, but are grateful that they were smart enough not to join the Marines.

    Marines. This is a burrowing animal. It lives in holes on the front, surviving on cold MRE’s. It would not know how to use plumbing if it had it. Ironically, these living conditions appear to be the same both in war or during peaceful times. The Marines are well summed up by their motto, “Semper Fi,” which is Latin for “I listen to country music.”

  2. #2
    Cyburbian prudence's avatar
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    Outstanding...

    I chuckled out loud a few times while reading this. Thanks Michael.
    "Dear Prudence...won't you open up your eyes? "

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    I'd love to see what you have to say about the CIA special ops...

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Jeff's avatar
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    Re: America's Fighting Forces

    Originally posted by Michael Stumpf


    Marines. This is a burrowing animal. It lives in holes on the front, surviving on cold MRE’s. It would not know how to use plumbing if it had it. Ironically, these living conditions appear to be the same both in war or during peaceful times. The Marines are well summed up by their motto, “Semper Fi,” which is Latin for “I listen to country music.”
    It builds character

    And you need to check your latin...Fi is not a word, therefore you are missing the full meaning...

    "Semper Fidelis" ...I listen to country music, watch NASCAR, drive a big pickup truck with a confederate flag, chew tobacco, and can shoot pretty GD good.


  5. #5
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    My observations:

    Navy – The Officers are all –without exception- arrogant asses and the enlisted men all have at least one perversion not discussed in good company. The gap between enlisted and officer is like that between Joe Kennedy and his Hispanic gardeners. Going to war means fewer phone calls home and more appearances on CNN. The only service where you are guaranteed to see more perverted things than are in Larry Flint’s mind and retire as an E-6 with 30 years and 12 tattoos. Low brainwash factor. High STD factor.

    Air Force –Divided into two groups Fighter Pilots and all others. If you are not a pilot of fighter jets why bother. The officers and enlisted call each other by their fraternity names and give each other medals for things like maintaining a well vacuumed common area. Going to the field (roughing it) means living out of a Holiday Inn for a week. Going to war means having to go outside more often and this means no AC for hours at a stretch. The only service where you are practically guaranteed to make E-3 in two months. Unregisterable brainwash factor. Joining the Air Force actually lowers your chances of dying in a war.

    Army – Generally good guys and gals who just want to get it over with – no mater what it is they do for the Army. Respectful of each other as far as rank and position go. Only a small percentage of the troops are actually dangerous and can really inflict harm upon the enemy. Those that are dangerous are respected and not screwed with. Those that are not dangerous mow lawns, paint things and get to parade. Medium brainwash factor. But it wears off eventually. The most bland service.

    Marines – They generally treat their junior enlisted as children and punch them like men when they screw up. Marines have no respect for someone dumb enough to fall for their recruiting advertising. If you joined because you have a desire to die a horrible death after inflicting one on as many others as possible first – then they will promote you. The only service where you can do an entire enlistment and not rise above E-3. The guys I want around me when we actually need to kill a bunch of folks up close and in a hurry. High brainwash factor. A lifetime supply of Hoo Ahhas issued day one.

    Coast Guard – Sold as Baywatch for young men, when it is actually Navy lite. No long cruises but far more seasickness. No war stories, but plenty of opportunity to score with local dock bunnies. Everyone tells the ladies they are a rescue swimmer when in the bars. Considered the only acceptable service for the children of peaceniks. Low to medium brainwash factor.


    Just my observations....

  6. #6
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    No mention of the National Guard?

    (I know it's a branch of Army, but still...)
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  7. #7
    Cyburbian Jeff's avatar
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    Originally posted by El Guapo
    My observations:

    Marines – They generally treat their junior enlisted as children and punch them like men when they screw up. Marines have no respect for someone dumb enough to fall for their recruiting advertising. If you joined because you have a desire to die a horrible death after inflicting one on as many others as possible first – then they will promote you. The only service where you can do an entire enlistment and not rise above E-3. The guys I want around me when we actually need to kill a bunch of folks up close and in a hurry. High brainwash factor. A lifetime supply of Hoo Ahhas issued day one.


    Just my observations....
    How true as far as promotion goes.I' ve come across LCpl's (e-3) with 2 hash marks, now that is a damn shame. But on the other hand, our NCOs bear far more responsibility than other branches, so we don't just give he promotions out.

    DEAD WRONG about the Hoo Ahh thing. Say that around a Marine Corps Rifle Platoon and you may get your head ripped off

    It's Ohh Rah (Turkish for "Let's Kill") - Good Stuff

  8. #8
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Originally posted by Mike DeVuono
    DEAD WRONG about the Hoo Ahh thing. Say that around a Marine Corps Rifle Platoon and you may get your head ripped off

    It's Ohh Rah (Turkish for "Let's Kill") - Good Stuff
    My mistake, must be from all that hearing loss I suffered while in combat with the enemy. I never could understand what most of them were saying anyway - We just called it NavySpeak.

    I do enjoy the "Please let us kill something" sentiment though.

  9. #9
         
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    Hoahh is the army, Hoo-rah is the Marines.

    You just got them confused, true about the NCO thing in the corps too, and we don't have many officers.

  10. #10

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    USMC & USN RULES OF GUNFIGHTING

    My boss - retired Army - sent me this:

    USMC Rules For Gunfighting During War
    1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
    2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
    4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
    5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
    6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
    7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
    8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
    9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
    9.5. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel p*sses in the flintlock of your musket."
    10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
    11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    12. Have a plan.
    13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
    14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of your gun.
    15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    16. Don't drop your guard.
    17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
    18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
    19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
    20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
    21. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
    24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    U.S. Navy Rules to Gunfighting
    1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
    2. Send the Marines.
    3. Drink Coffee.

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