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Thread: Estrangement (split from RTDNTOTO)

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    Cyburbian AG74683's avatar
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    Estrangement (split from RTDNTOTO)

    Quote Originally posted by Richmond Jake View post
    The toilet in our half-bathroom is leaking. I think the toilet hoodie gasket is failing. I will call a plumber to correct the matter. It's beyond my limited skill level.
    What is a "hoodie gasket"? If it's the main wax seal, those are really pretty easy to do yourself. The hardest part is dealing with the bolts for the toilet, they are usually rusted all to hell.

    I mentioned in a prior post that this was the Christmas of "no alcohol in the house". I decided to purchase a few airplane bottles and sequester them in my room. I figured it was also MY holiday so why let my sisters addictions ruin my time. On the night of Christmas day, she went through my entire room and found them all, and drank 90% of the remaining ones. I didn't discover this until maybe 11:30. She was completely trashed and my parents were freaking pissed. I packed up all my stuff and left the house and drove back two hours to mine (didn't get home till like 3 am). I told them I'm through with her. She's completely worthless, and until she wants to get better herself, everyone is just wasting money on her stupidity.

    To be honest, I think I was looking for a reason to cut her out of my life completely, and now I have it. I don't plan to speak to her ever again, at least until she gets her act straight and actually starts contributing to society.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian
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    This is so sad! Short of locking them up with a key, it sounds like you did everything reasonable to respect her struggles. It sounds like she was pretty determined to get trashed and would've found another way if your bottles hadn't been in the house. It's so sad what addictions can do to people. I do hope she gets her act together, but I think you're making a good decision to cut her out at least for now.

    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    I mentioned in a prior post that this was the Christmas of "no alcohol in the house". I decided to purchase a few airplane bottles and sequester them in my room. I figured it was also MY holiday so why let my sisters addictions ruin my time. On the night of Christmas day, she went through my entire room and found them all, and drank 90% of the remaining ones. I didn't discover this until maybe 11:30. She was completely trashed and my parents were freaking pissed. I packed up all my stuff and left the house and drove back two hours to mine (didn't get home till like 3 am). I told them I'm through with her. She's completely worthless, and until she wants to get better herself, everyone is just wasting money on her stupidity.

    To be honest, I think I was looking for a reason to cut her out of my life completely, and now I have it. I don't plan to speak to her ever again, at least until she gets her act straight and actually starts contributing to society.

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    What is a "hoodie gasket"? If it's the main wax seal, those are really pretty easy to do yourself. The hardest part is dealing with the bolts for the toilet, they are usually rusted all to hell.

    I mentioned in a prior post that this was the Christmas of "no alcohol in the house". I decided to purchase a few airplane bottles and sequester them in my room. I figured it was also MY holiday so why let my sisters addictions ruin my time. On the night of Christmas day, she went through my entire room and found them all, and drank 90% of the remaining ones. I didn't discover this until maybe 11:30. She was completely trashed and my parents were freaking pissed. I packed up all my stuff and left the house and drove back two hours to mine (didn't get home till like 3 am). I told them I'm through with her. She's completely worthless, and until she wants to get better herself, everyone is just wasting money on her stupidity.

    To be honest, I think I was looking for a reason to cut her out of my life completely, and now I have it. I don't plan to speak to her ever again, at least until she gets her act straight and actually starts contributing to society.
    Good read -
    Debunking Myths About Estrangement
    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/20/w...rangement.html

  4. #4
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Moderator note:
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    I'd be hard pressed to think of a family that has NOT had an instance where one relative or another cut off contact for multiple years, or even sometimes permanently. The choice to do so ultimately can be a rational judgment, but always there are strong feelings at play too in such situations. In many cases it just makes good sense from a personal defense standpoint. Sometimes you have to cut someone out to protect yourself physically and/or emotionally.

    Concerning addictions, it's extremely difficult to separate a person from their condition. The assumption is usually that a person makes a conscious choice to experience the mental states they do, but reality is bit more complicated (like saying to a person who suffers from an addiction - 'hey, I got an idea, how about you simply choose not to be an addict' or tell someone who suffers from depression 'hey, I got an idea, how about you simply choose to be happy instead of sad').
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

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    Cyburbian AG74683's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Maister View post
    Moderator note:
    split from RTDNTOTO

    Concerning addictions, it's extremely difficult to separate a person from their condition. The assumption is usually that a person makes a conscious choice to experience the mental states they do, but reality is bit more complicated (like saying to a person who suffers from an addiction - 'hey, I got an idea, how about you simply choose not to be an addict' or tell someone who suffers from depression 'hey, I got an idea, how about you simply choose to be happy instead of sad').
    It'd be a lot different for me if she didn't try intentionally to illicit pity from people. My parents continually feed into her with this stuff. She almost couldn't come home for Christmas because she went to the store a day or so prior and bought some beer. She got caught and her house immediately sent her to the hospital. My parents and her were all upset that the house manager wanted to take her car for 90 days because it was a "minor" infraction. Bullshit, there's nothing minor about it, and not taking the car because she's some sort of "special" case undermines the entire integrity of their house.

  6. #6
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    It'd be a lot different for me if she didn't try intentionally to illicit pity from people. My parents continually feed into her with this stuff. She almost couldn't come home for Christmas because she went to the store a day or so prior and bought some beer. She got caught and her house immediately sent her to the hospital. My parents and her were all upset that the house manager wanted to take her car for 90 days because it was a "minor" infraction. Bullshit, there's nothing minor about it, and not taking the car because she's some sort of "special" case undermines the entire integrity of their house.
    Your parents are holding hope that she recovers as well as grieving a loss of the young woman they dreamed she’d be. Something will cause them to lay down some boundaries, but you won’t be the person to make them do it. I know this frustrates you to no end.

    The addict really isn’t your sister. You’re right to set boundaries, but I can’t help thinking that you didn’t have to take the airport bottles into the house knowing that your sister has a problem.

    Distance yourself from your sister. She needs to suffer a consequence of her choices. Please try to stay in contact with your parents, even if it’s through phone calls and email. They need to know that they raised their children well, and right now, you’re the only proof of that.

    I’m sorry your holiday was so awful. Hopefully the next ones will be better.

  7. #7
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    It'd be a lot different for me if she didn't try intentionally to illicit pity from people. My parents continually feed into her with this stuff. She almost couldn't come home for Christmas because she went to the store a day or so prior and bought some beer. She got caught and her house immediately sent her to the hospital. My parents and her were all upset that the house manager wanted to take her car for 90 days because it was a "minor" infraction. Bullshit, there's nothing minor about it, and not taking the car because she's some sort of "special" case undermines the entire integrity of their house.
    You've likely already read a good deal about addiction and understand that her parents are probably acting as enablers. Sounds like your sister has yet to hit bottom. Your decision to cut her out for the time being should both help protect you in the short term and in the longer term help your sister if/when a moment of clarity occurs.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  8. #8
    Cyburbian AG74683's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kms View post
    You’re right to set boundaries, but I can’t help thinking that you didn’t have to take the airport bottles into the house knowing that your sister has a problem.
    I’m sorry your holiday was so awful. Hopefully the next ones will be better.
    I was still under the idea that she still held some respect for me and wouldn't prowl through my stuff. Through all of this, her only real concern was what I thought of her so I figured at the very least she'd stay out of my room. Oh well.

    It wasn't a bad holiday, it's a big weight off my shoulders really.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    I was still under the idea that she still held some respect for me and wouldn't prowl through my stuff. Through all of this, her only real concern was what I thought of her so I figured at the very least she'd stay out of my room. Oh well.

    It wasn't a bad holiday, it's a big weight off my shoulders really.
    Sadly, her having your respect falls well below the addiction. Sorry you learned this the hard way. Again, your cutting off contact with her is a consequence of her choice, as well as losing any respect she thought you had for her. Hopefully your parents will be able to keep some boundaries with her.

  10. #10
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    For what it is worth, I think you are making the correct choice. I have cut people out of my life for similar reasons--it hurts like hell, but I figure I don't stand a chance of helping them if I'm too emotionally damaged to fully engage. It is important to tell your sister explicitly why though--as it can help hammer home her need to address her addiction & take it seriously. When she is ready to deal with her addiction seriously, you'll be in a better emotional state to offer the support she will need.

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

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    Cyburbian dvdneal's avatar
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    I haven't dealt with it much, but I'd say you're doing the right thing. Until she can clean up her act she just can't be around and it's not like you should change your life to suit her. I have friends that are recovering alcoholics so out of respect to them I don't drink around them, but at the same time they don't go crazy in search of the booze in my house when they come over. The house was also right to take away the car. There is no minor infraction with an addict. She used the car to enable herself to buy booze. She needs to learn that there are penalties to bad behavior. Sorry, it all sucks, but I hope she keeps working at it to the point she can come back to the family.
    I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.

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    Cyburbian Big Owl's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    I was still under the idea that she still held some respect for me and wouldn't prowl through my stuff. Through all of this, her only real concern was what I thought of her so I figured at the very least she'd stay out of my room. Oh well.

    It wasn't a bad holiday, it's a big weight off my shoulders really.
    It it wasn't your airplane bottles, it would have been something else. I am surprised/naive at the lengths folks go to get a fix. My wife works at a psychiatric hospital that provides detox services and she has told me that some people dumpster dive behind bars/restaurants looking for bottles with anything left in the bottom; and that in a pinch they will consume anything with alcohol such as mouth wash, flavorings & extracts, shoe polish, sterno, and hand santizer. It's hard for me to imagine going to those lengths.

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    Cyburbian AG74683's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Big Owl View post
    It it wasn't your airplane bottles, it would have been something else. I am surprised/naive at the lengths folks go to get a fix. My wife works at a psychiatric hospital that provides detox services and she has told me that some people dumpster dive behind bars/restaurants looking for bottles with anything left in the bottom; and that in a pinch they will consume anything with alcohol such as mouth wash, flavorings & extracts, shoe polish, sterno, and hand santizer. It's hard for me to imagine going to those lengths.
    The crazy part was I had two full bottles of rum and whiskey that my parents got me for Christmas hidden in my closet. They were as clear as day (although they were wrapped up in a gift bag). I regret bringing the bottles in the first place, but I also didn't feel that it was right to ruin my own holiday because of her addiction. I suppose I felt that keeping everything out of the house was letting IT win.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by AG74683 View post
    The crazy part was I had two full bottles of rum and whiskey that my parents got me for Christmas hidden in my closet. They were as clear as day (although they were wrapped up in a gift bag). I regret bringing the bottles in the first place, but I also didn't feel that it was right to ruin my own holiday because of her addiction. I suppose I felt that keeping everything out of the house was letting IT win.
    In a way, by her appearing to want your respect, she had you fooled. Let her know that you can’t trust her and will be cutting off contact until she’s successfully competed her treatment. It’s a consequence she brought onto herself.

    Of course, that’s easy for me to say.

  15. #15
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    I would suggest reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It sounds like you did the right thing.

    My mom was an alcoholic and my sister is a recovering alcoholic. It is never an easy situation and I have been in similar shoes years ago.
    If you want different results in your life, you need to do different things than you have done in the past. Change is that simple.

  16. #16
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    I haven't spoken with my "sister", or, the female adopted four years before me in over five years, since my mother died. And for a year prior, just enough to speak to my mother who had dementia.

    Seems she had my father sign the house I'd gotten for them over to her, and rather than risk the secret, she wouldn't dial my number when he asked to speak to me on his deathbed, You see, my father was a
    preacher, and she was his sweet little girl. Only she wasn't. She was a fool with money, a liar and homewrecker, was constantly fired from jobs, and I even had to bail her out of jail twice. I was informed of my
    fathers death on Facebook by one of my sisters' married lovers, in fact, and was never provided the details of his funeral. I was welcome at neither.

    So, no, I have no reason for someone like that to be in my life. Although I do take a very deep satisfaction in sending my only niece and family to five-star resorts every year... something her mother couldn't ever do.
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