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Thread: Your fantasy HOA

  1. #1
    Cyburbian
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    Your fantasy HOA

    If you could institute some rules for your neighborhood, what would you choose?



    My neighbor annoys me. He's a friendly guy, but he annoys me. He isn't real ambitious. This guy doesn't do anything constructive on Saturday, and most of Sunday. He goes into Sunday evening panic mode to catch up on what he could do Friday night and most of Saturday. So Sunday dinner time is interrupted by his mower and hedge trimmer.

    My HOA rule would be that a person can't use lawn and garden power tools on Sunday, under normal circumstances.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian Big Easy King's avatar
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    Everyone has seen cars jacked up on blocks in various neighborhoods. Thus, no jacked-up vehicles in plain view in my neighborhood! Also, a subdivision with very minor landscaping and/or without amenities such as parks/playgrounds bug the hell out of me.
    A person who strives is one who thrives. It's GREAT to be THE KING!!!

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Jen's avatar
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    I can't wait for cooler weather

    In my fantasy HOA in my lakeside neighborhood,I would make your sewer rates dependent on the number of taps and toilets installed in your house and also on water softeners. you flush more you gotta pay more!

    I would also enact areas where grass lawns are not allowed and pets would not be allowed off their own property unsupervised.

    I would forbid feeding of the fishes and waterfowl

    Also I would come down hard on public pee-ers, and jet skiers who break curfew, it's off the lake ONE HOUR before sunset, it also happens to be a real law!

    'kay I'm done griping!

  4. #4
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    In my HOA, the rules would be very liberal and give everyone alot of latitude, but since each house would only be granted 1,000 sqft of typical grass lawn. If you wanted more then the allowable maximum, you have to pay an additional $5,000 per each additional 10 sqft of lawn over the maximum. This money would be put into a fund for natural land preservation in the local region.

    (Yes, I am not a big fan of unecessary, expanses of typical grass lawns)
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    The ends can justify the means.

  5. #5
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Everyone would be required to speak English

    Simple and easy!
    "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. Time makes more converts than reason." - Thomas Paine Common Sense.

  6. #6
    Cyburbian
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    • No schnautzers allowed (I hate my neighbors dog)
    • No BBQs 'till 4 am
    • Prohibition to blow the horn of your car when you arrive at your house... We already noticed you got home, no need to blow the horn..
    • No 80's crappy music karaoke singing with your window opened...
    • No house or car alarms, if someone enters and steals in your house the alarm dealer doesn't give a sh*t and won't even call the cops... and the 99% of the times it's your slobby ass that forgot to turn it off and now you woke up the entire neighborhood with your POS alarm.
    • No speeding in the streets... kids are playing and this isn't any race track..

    That's what comes to mind right now

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    No decorative flags of cartoon characters, soccer balls etc.



    No dogs.

    No paved front yards.

    None of those spiral shrubs.

    No ugly chicks (kidding)

  8. #8
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    HOAs in Florida often had rules prohibiting parking pickup trucks and work vehicles in open view. That is, except whre I lived, because so many people living in Orlando's western suburbs worked in the construction and building trades.

    My dream HOA:

    No tacky lawn ornaments, fountains, shiny orbs, and so on.

    No upholstered furniture outside, in view of other residences or the public right-of-way.

    No outdoor cats.

    You can substitute a well-tended xeriscape garden or grass substitutes (asiatic jasmine, etc) for the front lawn.

    A portion of the common open space or greenblelt would be designated and maintained as a leash-free dog park.

    Vehicles cannot be parked where they would block the sidewalk.

    No problem with pickup trucks, but I'd limit box trucks, vans and trucks with a significant portion of the vehicle covered in signage, and tractor trailers.

    I'd also ban visible project cars, even if they are registered and operable. It's okay to change your oil in the driveway, but quite another thing to have a primer grey '69 Chevelle out front that is in a constant state of repair.

    I'll ban ricers too, out of pure spite.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  9. #9
    Cyburbian
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    All homeowners in the subdivision known as Astroturf Corners shall be subject to the following commitments:
    1. A minimum of one pink flamingo and one gnome shall be installed on the front lawn. One--but not both--may be substituted for a) a bowling ball or b)a tire planter
    2. There shall be a minimum of three vehicles per household. If one of the vehicles is inoperable, it may be used as a garden shed/storage area until such time it becomes operable or becomes one with the driveway.
    3. Lawns must not be mowed more than once a week during the peak grass-growing season. All mowing must take place on Saturdays.
    4. Music, of the resident's choice but preferably country or rock, must be played at at least 75 decibels while mowing. It may be turned down to not less than 50 decibels when mowing is completed.
    5. All homeowners are required to own a) a hound or b)at least five cats.
    Any homeowner who does not comply with any of the above commitments is subject to having his house disconnected and towed, at his expense.

    Any takers?
    I don't dream. I plan.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    No enclosing of carports or garages. No window A/C units. No additions of bay windows. No wood fences.

  11. #11
    No "snout houses" where the garage is most prominent thing facing the street.

    No stupid lawn orniments in the front yards, such as the wooden fat lady bending over.



    Free use of a clubhouse with swimming pool. hot tub, theater, bar, etc.

    Bicycle paths and sidewalks throughout

    No daycares as home occupations
    "I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

    - Homer Simpson

  12. #12
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    No metal shed type carports facing the street.
    Like this


    No screaming and yelling at your rotten kids at all hours of the day after they ding cars with their football. Just give 'em that beating you've been threating to already and get it over with.

    No little yippy dogs like Pomeranians and the like. It's bad enough I have to worry about not backing over your dog, much less stepping on it.

    Neon Green and Electric Blue are not colors that occure in nature. Please be so kind as to not use them when painting your house.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    You are not allowed to park any vehicle displaying a sticker of Calvin pissing on something.

  14. #14
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Originally posted by biscuit
    No metal shed type carports facing the street.
    Like this
    I banned 'em with the zoning code I wrote. I prohibited pre-fabricated accessory buildings larger than 100 square feet.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  15. #15
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Originally posted by Dan
    I banned 'em with the zoning code I wrote. I prohibited pre-fabricated accessory buildings larger than 100 square feet.
    The Chairman is pleased


  16. #16
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    My dream HOA is Germany

  17. #17

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    One proviso:

    Rent a storage unit, white trash idiots!

    "Front Yards and visible side yards are intended to be open, landscaped areas. No front or visible side yards shall be used for the storage of any equipment, inoperable vehicles, junk, children's toys, snappy thug dogs, or outdoor wrestling rings."

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Habanero's avatar
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    In my HOA my annoying, ugly, dumb@$$ neighbor would be fined everyday, just for living near me and annoying me everyday.

    There would be a no staring rule.

    No smoking rule, if you don't want your house to smell like smoke don't smoke outside and make everything smell like an ashtray.

    There would also be little daggers that shoot out of the sidewalk if you park across someone's driveway (he or his visitors do this all the time).

    No skateboarding ramps in the middle of the road.

    No soliciting, if caught solicting in the neighborhood the penalty is being hung by your sensitive areas.

    No singing Christmas decorations.
    When Jesus said "love your enemies", he probably didn't mean kill them.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian
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    Originally posted by Habanero
    little daggers that shoot out of the sidewalk if you park across someone's driveway (he or his visitors do this all the time).

    I was just going to post something like that. It is OK to park along the street, just not directly across the street from a driveway, or on the same side, so close to one, that a person can't get out of a driveway.

    The "shadow man" or "shadow digging dog" are not allowed.

    No one can plant single rows of those spikey red flowers along their front walks.

    No loud swearing.

  20. #20
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    Originally posted by Repo Man
    No stupid lawn orniments in the front yards, such as the wooden fat lady bending over.
    Oh, MAN! That reminds me of one of the BEST pranks I ever pulled with my (former) brother in law. When we were in Philly, it seemed like these damned things were EVERYWHERE.

    I mean, just about every lawn had one, or two... or more.

    Well, one night we went out at about 2:00 a.m., took them all, repainted them, and replaced 'em. How were they painted? To look like this!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
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  21. #21
    Cyburbian Mud Princess's avatar
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    Originally posted by mendelman
    In my HOA, the rules would be very liberal and give everyone alot of latitude, but since each house would only be granted 1,000 sqft of typical grass lawn. If you wanted more then the allowable maximum, you have to pay an additional $5,000 per each additional 10 sqft of lawn over the maximum. This money would be put into a fund for natural land preservation in the local region.

    (Yes, I am not a big fan of unecessary, expanses of typical grass lawns)
    I love this idea!

    Also, no shopping-mall style landscaping with that hideous bright red mulch. Ick.

  22. #22
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Me? I'd have to go with:

    - no car hobbyists (with their loud arsed engines and parts storage).
    - yes, vegetable gardens (hell, growing crops) in the front yard are perfectly okay
    - no witnessing, soliciting, or canvassing
    - no outdoor cats
    - quiet hours on weekends from 11pm - 10 am
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  23. #23
    Cyburbian The One's avatar
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    WOW

    Quote Originally posted by Maister View post
    Me? I'd have to go with:

    - no car hobbyists (with their loud arsed engines and parts storage).
    - yes, vegetable gardens in the front yard are perfectly okay
    - no witnessing, soliciting, or canvassing
    - no outdoor cats
    - quiet hours on weekends from 11pm - 10 am
    Maister......thinking about it after six years and one day
    Last edited by The One; 17 Sep 2009 at 5:32 PM.
    Skilled Adoxographer
    I have two emotions....Silence and Rage

  24. #24
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by SkeLeton View post
    [*] Prohibition to blow the horn of your car when you arrive at your house... We already noticed you got home, no need to blow the horn..
    Women do that sometimes to scare away potential criminals or thugs waiting in the shadows. It's not so much an ego thing as a safety thing.

  25. #25
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    no stupid mailboxes
    wave when someone drives by
    progressive dinners 3x a year
    death penalty for going over 35 MPH
    no jerks

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