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Thread: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

  1. #1
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
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    Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    I don't know who comes up with these things but are they ever true.


    1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
    2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate
    rises to 400 percent.)
    7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
    9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see anything.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
    17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
    18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
    19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
    21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
    22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
    27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.
    28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian jordanb's avatar
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    Since when is "male" a species?

  3. #3
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
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    Originally posted by jordanb
    Since when is "male" a species?
    Ask any woman.

  4. #4
    Cyburbian H's avatar
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    Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    Originally posted by SlaveToTheGrind
    26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
    Dude I hate when people talk to you in there. I also hate when you are at the last of lets say 3 stalls and the other 2 are empty and then some guy walks in and goes to the middle stall! Why donít you spread out to the end, buddy! I donít want to hear you pee.

    SCOOT OVER!!

    edit by Chet:
    There is the obligatory "I am not a homo" unused urinal between to peeing men at all time. (sorry homos) Crowded sporting venues are the only exception, wherein using the sink may be acceptable. See bail rule above.
    "Those who plan do better than those who do not plan, even though they rarely stick to their plan." - Winston Churchill

  5. #5
    Cyburbian Big Easy King's avatar
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    One more item should be included in the Code:

    29. Never wear the color pink for any reason.
    A person who strives is one who thrives. It's GREAT to be THE KING!!!

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Ultimate exception: Men who have spent sufficient time in the military and/or fought in a war are Manly enough to pick and choose which Manly codes they feel interested in honoring. For Example: Vietnam Vets who choose to wear pink shall never have their Manliness questioned -- EVEN if they have a boyfriend.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    Originally posted by SlaveToTheGrind
    [snip]

    17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. [/snip]
    Is this saying that I have to bond or else I'm in trouble, or that I have to bond or else he's in trouble?

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Where is the clause to #10, wherein the male is not required, or expected, to remember anyone's birthday, except wife/girlfriend's (who, by the way, will shop in your stead for all the others)? After all, isn't this why you got married in the first place?

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Dan - you will likely be flamed for that!



    [toungue in cheek]

    its a wonder you're still single.

    [/tongue in cheek]

  10. #10
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Deleted the list because it's a bit off-topic for the thread.

    I'll still say "preach on, brother man ... preach on."

    What's worse than the urinal thing is sitting in the end stall, and some guy comes and uses the stall next to you even though the others are free. Dude, I don't want to hear your grunts, plops, splats, splashes, toots and spittle-filled horn blasts, okay? Why the stall next to mine, too? Wanna' peek through the crack between the stall divider and the bathroom wall?

    The "no talking at the uirnal" rule does not apply:

    a) at troughs in stadium and arena bathrooms, during the time between quarters, periods or during the seventh inning stretch. The topic must not stray from the game being played.

    b) in gay bars. (sorry gays)

    It's okay for a man to not be interested in sports. They must, however, do plenty of research, so they can at least present a manly appearance; i.e. know team names and standings; the names and positions of well-regarded players; stadium names, capacities and other attributes, and so on.

    When presented with the opportunity to buy a "football card" or "play squares," a man must never decline, regardless of their interest in football.

    Men must declare a rabid loyalty to a sports program at a college in a distant state, even if they or any of their friends or relatives did not go to that school, i.e. if you graduated from Case Western Reserve University and now live in Rhode Island, cheer on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. WHOOO!!! GO NEBRASKA!!!!! If you're Catholic, Notre Dame is the default team where your loyalties should lie.

    With pro football, if you don't hail from a region whose fan loyalties are aligned with one team, or if you are watching a football game where your home team isn't playing, you must cheer on the Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Chicago Bears, Washington Redskins, or the Oakland Raiders. If two of these teams are playing against each other, flip a coin.

    At a casino, men play table games like blackjack and craps, and use the slots only for spare change they have floating around.

    You get your hair cut at a BARBER SHOP. Never a stylist, never a salon, never someplace in a mall, never a place with a strange name like "The Mane Event" or "Curl Up and Dye." A BARBER SHOP.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  11. #11
    Oakland Raiders
    NEVER! That rule is BS I will always be a Raider hater. Last years super bowl was pure bliss. Nothing in football could have been sweeter.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Originally posted by Zoning Goddess
    Where is the clause to #10, wherein the male is not required, or expected, to remember anyone's birthday, except wife/girlfriend's (who, by the way, will shop in your stead for all the others)? After all, isn't this why you got married in the first place?
    My husband must have missed that clause. He has, on more than one occasion, bought me a late birthday card and an apology card. He does, however, remember our anniversary. I guess my being born is not important but marrying me was.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    Originally posted by SlaveToTheGrind
    23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.
    clause #1

    You must intervene if it is a clear victory for the NON-friend side.

    And

    You must intervene if it is a life threatening situation

    And

    If you see it coming before anyone else and feel it has been too long since you mixed it up and your face aint that pretty any way so I might as well get some excitement as I am not getting laid tonight anyway as the all these bitches are frigid and gold-diggers so I might as well have one more story to tell before staff meeting cause there hasn't been any good hogtied christmass elves at the Sunday night hangout lately to fill the gap!
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    Originally posted by SlaveToTheGrind
    I9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    Clause #1

    You are between an amature and a professional brewer and a friend for longer than 9 months, you should have introduced and taught him about good beer and thus can pound him for his INADIQUACIES as a "REAL MAN" for drinking beer brewed for pussies with NO TASTE and for WOMEN!
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  15. #15
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Originally posted by Dan
    With pro football, if you don't hail from a region whose fan loyalties are aligned with one team, or if you are watching a football game where your home team isn't playing, you must cheer on ... Green Bay Packers....
    CHEESEHEADS are EVERYWHERE BABY! Great ED system in WI but no jobs for those who get the GREAT ED! So we end up ALL OVER! We spend the rest of our working lives trying to get back to GODS country!

    Sorry for the bad grammer english teachers, a liter and a half of wine will do taht!
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  16. #16
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Originally posted by The Irish one
    NEVER! That rule is BS I will always be a Raider hater. Last years super bowl was pure bliss. Nothing in football could have been sweeter.
    Hey, I'm no Raiders fan, either. I'm basing the list on my observation of peoples' behavior watching professional football games where their home team or favorite isn't playing. They're also the teams that Don West, the guy who used to sell sports cards late at night, used to go gaga over.

    Originally posted by Duke Of Dystopia
    You are between an amature and a professional brewer and a friend for longer than 9 months, you should have introduced and taught him about good beer and thus can pound him for his INADIQUACIES as a "REAL MAN" for drinking beer brewed for pussies with NO TASTE and for WOMEN!
    Well, I'll let it go for Bud or Coors. If it's a light beer or Michelob Ultra (the ultimate chick beer), the hell he'll catch from me will be unceasing. If it's Zima, wine coolers and/or something like Bacardi Breeze, he might as well just turn on Lifetime, take the batteries out of the remote, and throw 'em away.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  17. #17
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    I'll add another to the beer comments.

    You can comment on the brand of beer in the fridge, if you always do. For example, I don't like schooner, one of my friends does. I always try to take a beer I like to drink to his house, sometimes I run out or forget, then I'll say i guess I have to settle for a skunky schooner or some other disparaging remark that i would have made anyways.

    On the Bacardi Breeze, they are only acceptabale to have in the house if the buddy has a GF. Must top them up with rum before drinking.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Jeff's avatar
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    Double or even triple hittin the blunt or J is OK (puff puff give). But don't ever double or triple hit the bong or pipe.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    Re: Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    Originally posted by Huston
    Dude I hate when people talk to you in there. I also hate when you are at the last of lets say 3 stalls and the other 2 are empty and then some guy walks in and goes to the middle stall! Why donít you spread out to the end, buddy! I donít want to hear you pee.

    SCOOT OVER!!

    edit by Chet:
    There is the obligatory "I am not a homo" unused urinal between to peeing men at all time. (sorry homos) Crowded sporting venues are the only exception, wherein using the sink may be acceptable. See bail rule above.
    Where I work, everyone is nice. Even in the bathroom. I'll be taking a wizz, and some dude will come in, say hello, unzip, and piss. EXCUSE ME?!!!!! I'm sorry, I'm holding my penis right now, forgive me if I'm a little rude to you. The only time I talk to some one when I'm holding my penis is when I'm with my girlfriend. And another thing - why is it that when I walk into the bathroom and someone is already at a urinal, why do they turn their head to see who is coming down the hall? Yeah, my co-workers do that. Can you believe it?! It's freaking weird! I know, pissing is boring, but it's not so bad that you have to turn your head to see who's going to be peeing next to you. Mind your own business you homophobic co-worker!

  20. #20
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Re: Re: Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

    Originally posted by Alan
    And another thing - why is it that when I walk into the bathroom and someone is already at a urinal, why do they turn their head to see who is coming down the hall? Yeah, my co-workers do that. Can you believe it?! It's freaking weird! I know, pissing is boring, but it's not so bad that you have to turn your head to see who's going to be peeing next to you. Mind your own business you homophobic co-worker!
    That rule is valid in the workplace, but not when on the road. Pee fear is valid in waysides and truck stops.

  21. #21
    Some of you may have seen this before, but it is very informative:

    The Urinal Test
    "I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

    - Homer Simpson

  22. #22
    Cyburbian El Feo's avatar
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    Originally posted by Dan
    You get your hair cut at a BARBER SHOP. Never a stylist, never a salon, never someplace in a mall, never a place with a strange name like "The Mane Event" or "Curl Up and Dye." A BARBER SHOP.
    My personal codicil to this rule: ONLY get your hair cut by a guy with a service tattoo.

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Originally posted by El Feo
    My personal codicil to this rule: ONLY get your hair cut by a guy with a service tattoo.
    LOL my barber has a service tat and about 6 others, plus a few obvious piercings. Im pretty sure he's still gay. (sorry serve men and barbers).

  24. #24
    Cyburbian H's avatar
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    Whatever. I get mine cut by this hot chick. She doesnít speak English very well, but she shampoos great
    "Those who plan do better than those who do not plan, even though they rarely stick to their plan." - Winston Churchill

  25. #25
    Cyburbian El Feo's avatar
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    Originally posted by Huston
    Whatever. I get mine cut by this hot chick. She doesnít speak English very well, but she shampoos great
    How much extra is the "Happy Ending?"

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