Online dating?

[Jessie-J]

Okay, so everyone pretty much knows that I am newly single. But this single life isn't all it's cracked up to be. All the best guys are taken, and my strategy to be cooler than their girlfriends isn't working as well as I thought. I thought I had a date tomorrow night but he calls me tonight to "make sure I don't get the wrong idea." Argh. He was a cool guy, I'm hoping he has some single friends...

So, with all the best men taken, I'm thinking about turning to online dating. I know we've discussed this in MANY threads (mods merge if necessary), but what are the pros and cons? I've met people online before but never with the intention of actually dating.

Let's see. where am I going with this....? So, I guess I'm asking what's the ettiquette there? How many times do you talk online before you meet in person? Is there a line you're not supposed to cross as far as information revealed?

Anyone single wanna date? hahaha

[Duke Of Dystopia]

I would take you up on the date but I think your half a continent away

Seriously though,

1) don't give out any information online that you wouldn't give out to a random stranger you just met (in a bar or otherwise)

2) When you decide to meet, don't envite him to your residence right away to pick you up for the date (see #1)

3) Meet for the first couple of times in a venue with lots of people around. (see #2)

4) Bring a friend if possible that knows how to play polite and proper wingman!

Good Luck!

[NHPlanner]

As I mentioned before, I met my wife through an on-line personal.....

We talked for several months on-line before we actually met.

Now that I'm divorcing, I out of sheer curiosity, placed another freebie online ad, just to see what kind of response I got....and I actually met someone in a similar situation that I am (separated, divorcing)....we got together to talk, just because it was nice to be able to talk to someone that could relate to my situation.

All in all, you'll find it to be a mixed bag I think....but what I find nice, is that you generally can end up meeting some nice people that end up being friends....

[Duke Of Dystopia]

Originally posted by Jessie-J
.....So, with all the best men taken, I'm thinking about turning to online dating. ......

Its been what, a week? week and a half? If it was that easy none of us would have these issues Also, I am not convinced that women have any more clue as to what constitutes a "Good Man" than men have of knowing what a "Good Woman is". Please define what a "Good Man" is, maybe I can learn something from it (actually a serious question)

[Super Amputee Cat]

Originally posted by Duke Of Dystopia
Please define what a "Good Man" is, maybe I can learn something from it (actually a serious question)

One with lots of $$$$$$$$

sad to say

[Super Amputee Cat]

I for one see absolutely no value in On line dating service whatsoever (other than to perhaps get laid to which for many is the be-all end all of existance)

I find on line ads extremely annoying, offensive and downright stupid. As I mentioned in another post, most of them feature some brainless floozie with a vacuous smile and taglines such as "Are you single and like to mingle?" or "Get Your Flirt On!" I mean how absolutely retarted can ads get! Basically, from the pictures and lines presented in these ads, it would be hard for anyone to argue that they are catering to anything more than market segment characterized by meatheads and frat boys out to bed stupid, goldigging women.

I find the ads extremely offensive by their sheer numbers and visability alone. You can't get away from them..they are all over the web. A year ago there were only a few sites that had them pop up with any frequency. Now they have exploded onto the scene and are everywhere: On Yahoo, Hotmail, MSN and even sites such as Classmates.com. And proving that absolutely nothing is sacred anymore, I even saw one on a weather site recently. God help us all the day Cyburbia decides to put up some on line dating ads.

So if you're out to get laid, I guess that I can see the value in them as a venue of cheap, casual sex, if that's what you are into. But to the admakers I say, don't insult me by pretending to make them out to be anything more lofty or high-brow than a glorified porn site. Indeed, that's what is so odious about this whole on-line phenominon - they try so hard to be innocent (to sell you the notion of a relationship) but beneath all that glitz is just a subculture of horny guys and women just out for cheap sex.

Oh, I'm sure there are some legitimate sites out there and many couples have maintained a meaningful relationship after meeting on line.

But I certainly haven't seen it.

[Zoning Goddess]

Originally posted by Super Amputee Cat
One with lots of $$$$$$$$

sad to say

The ones around here with $$$$$ have big egos, cell phones permanently attached to their ears, are 40 lbs overweight but expect any woman they date to be anorexic, and assume that because they have $$$$$, the woman will wait on them hand and foot.

On the other hand...

A good guy has a job, a sense of humor, is not a control freak, isn't smothering, makes an attempt to like my friends (as I would his), can cook a few things decently, and doesn't snore too much. Then there are the extras, such as likes family holidays, will kill roaches for me (well, in FL it's important), etc.

Just one goddess's opinion...

[H]

Why is it I just find it hard to believe you can’t get a date? I am married, but from what I have seen, there are about 20 male Cyburbanites ready to spend their paychecks on you.

Well, good luck to you, and to repeat what DoD said and BE CAREFUL!!

[Zoning Goddess]

P.S. SAC, just as an addendum to your comments, I have looked at the big local online dating site here in central FL, and along with the gold-digging, big-hair women, are also many, many middle-aged men who are ALL looking for "slim" women half their age. I agree. There may be some gems out there, but I haven't seen them. And no, I've never joined an on-line service or responded to an on-line ad.

[Super Amputee Cat]

Originally posted by Zoning Goddess
A good guy has a job, a sense of humor, is not a control freak, isn't smothering, makes an attempt to like my friends (as I would his), can cook a few things decently, and doesn't snore too much. Then there are the extras, such as likes family holidays...

His family or yours? Trust me, this can be a huge issue

[The Irish One]

You're a student right? Skip the online dating thing unless it's just a phase you want to try. What do you like to do? Is there a club for it? My major advice to the lonely single person is to not push the relationship stuff on to yourself and especially guys, especially guys! I run like hell when that stuff comes to fast. Don't go looking for it, get into what you really like, or find a new job, you've got to find common ground with another on natural day to day terms, then you have similar stuff to relate with -it's the best start. Bars are bad.
How long have you been single for? And remember, stop thinking about this so much.

[Jessie-J]

hmmm, maybe I am focusing too much focus on this. I've been single for about a month...and unfortunately, I'm not really out for a full-on relationship... I'm moving home in May....

When I moved to St.Louis, I met my ex right away and have been with him ever since (3 yrs). The ex was a homebody so as a result, I never went out. I have school friends but they are all married and, to add another annoying twist, I go to a private school where the ratio of girls to guys is 23:1.

I have been going out more with the few friends I have that are single and DO go out.... but man, this is just craziness. The men at the bars want me to be a freaking barbie doll-not so much response there. Plus the alcohol factor....

As for characteristics that makes up a good man other than physical attractiveness: intelligence, wit, humor, confidence, open-mindedness, emotion (show some!), perceptiveness, motivation and ambition....These are SINCERE.

I've always thought of online dating as more personal. In chat rooms I see the sexual tones and what-not, but actual online dating??? It seems those would be a bit more serious.

[tsc]

a friend of mine who uses match.com has gone to some of the match.com getaways and had a good time. She did meet one guy she was with for about a year.

Another friend of mine has gone to some of those 3-minute speed dating. She met a few through that and dated several of them for months.

I have been in a relationship for 7 years.... so I have no personal experiences on the dating scene....which is a good thing.

[Jeff]

Don't do the internet dating thing, come on. Just go out to the local bar, get loaded, and you'll meet plenty of eligible bachelors

[PlannerGirl]

I met my boyfriend at nerve.com and met the last guy via AOL. In DC its hard to meet up with others due to a very busy lifestyle.

There is nothing "wrong" with my boyfriend or I, we just did not have the time to go out and LOOK for people. We are both in the age group where most of our friends are married or settled down in some way and we both have homes and high stress jobs that keep us on the go. It worked for us but it might not for someone else. Online is a tool that is only as good as your skills at using it.

Ive had good and bad dates, made lots of friends and had a great time all around. I found online to be a no pressure way to meet others. Tell them what you want, when you want and how you want.

chat online for a while, then make phone calls (i use my cell becouse its not tied ot my home address) then meet up somewhere public for coffee. Starbucks is a great online date place.

[PlannerByDay]

Here is my $0.02

The stigma of online dating is quickly falling by the wayside. I've done it and had both good and bad dates. I met my current girlfriend on AOL we have been together for just over 3 months and things are going GREAT.

My suggestion is go for it. I'm a busy person, kinda shy when it comes to making the first move (the approach, not the kiss). I posted a honest ad WITHOUT a picture. I indicated I was a professional who worked with the public hence withholding my picture. I think by doing this I got other professionals, who were good people with some level of skeptisism which made the process for both of us a little easier.

My current girlfriend and I only e-mailed each other for about a week before we met. Why waste time, if it is gonna work it's gonna work, if it ain't it ain't. It really is no different than bumping into someone at the bar.

Give it a shot. I have no other advice which others haven't already given, but be honest with the guys about yourself and with what you want.

Good Luck

[donk]

I decided to give it a try over the past few weeks. A few nice enough emails, one whack job. I'll wait and see. I think it will depend on what type of site you decide to use. I went to a few and settled on one recomended by a few friends and another web site I read weekly.

The weird thing is that once I decided to give it a try I ran into a girl l recently dated and she wants to hang out some more. So I might not be on line much longer.

[Tranplanner]

I tried on-line dating back when I was single and working in a small city in Northern Ontario. It was awful. Met a fair number of people on-line, but the ones I actually ended up meeting were definitely not what they represented themselves to be on-line.

Oh - to answer your questions Jessie, I'd say you have to feel comfortable before meeting them. With some it may only be a couple of emails, others could take a little longer. Be careful, watch for "playas" and make sure you meet in a public place. Once you meet someone, take it like you would as if you were talking to them for the first time - there is so much more that body language, mannerisms, etc. can tell you about a person than electronic chatting. I mean, you'd never know I was a 66 year old chain-smoking woman if I didn't tell you, right?

Good luck - we're all rooting for ya. I wouldn't get too serious if you're planning on moving home soon!

[DecaturHawk]

As an old married fart, I can't offer much in the way of personal experience. However..

You might want to rent a great film called Next Stop Wonderland starring one of the finest actresses in the business, Hope Davis. Although it doesn't deal with on-line dating, it's similar in that the main character meets dates through the personals. Hope Davis plays a single woman who is not having much luck in the dating scene. Her mother places a personal ad for her in the Boston Globe without permission. It's one of those services with a voice mailbox where interested suitors can leave messages. At first, she's mad at her mother for doing this to her, but then is shocked to find that she has something like 84 responses! So, she decides to go out on a few dates. Through this process, she eventually meets the man meant for her, but surprisingly it isn't any of the guys she hooks up with through the personals. See it, it's a great film. I think the best message from the film is that we often find the best things in unlooked-for ways and in unexpected places. Good luck.

[donk]

Originally posted by Tranplanner
I mean, you'd never know I was a 66 year old chain-smoking woman if I didn't tell you, right?

what, those were actors you hired?

[Cardinal]

I have used Match to find dates. I am in the in-between age when virtually all of my friends are married with kids, yet all of my co-workers or fellow professionals are older than me (or male). It is very hard to meet eligible women. My experiences with online dating have been mixed, but worthwhile enough to keep trying. I have dated a couple of the women I met for extended periods. There are also a couple that I have met, that while we did not click, we still enjoyed each others company enough to become friends. The reputable sites are not about making sexual hook-ups, but about making good matches. Go ahead, give it a try.

[Habanero]

Originally posted by Tranplanner
I tried on-line dating back when I was single and working in a small city in Northern Ontario. It was awful. Met a fair number of people on-line, but the ones I actually ended up meeting were definitely not what they represented themselves to be on-line.

Oh - to answer your questions Jessie, I'd say you have to feel comfortable before meeting them. With some it may only be a couple of emails, others could take a little longer. Be careful, watch for "playas" and make sure you meet in a public place. Once you meet someone, take it like you would as if you were talking to them for the first time - there is so much more that body language, mannerisms, etc. can tell you about a person than electronic chatting. I mean, you'd never know I was a 66 year old chain-smoking woman if I didn't tell you, right?

Good luck - we're all rooting for ya. I wouldn't get too serious if you're planning on moving home soon!

So true about misrepresentations- I met a guy whose picture looked good, but then after seeing him I was glad I only met him for coffee.

I met my fiance online and I don't regret doing it. He was the first picture I saw and although I chickened out and didn't contact him for 2 weeks, I finally gave in. We ended up finding out we went to the same place every week for happy hour, went to the same church (okay, more of a God Dome, not a small church), and I had listened to his Dad in the Dallas Symphony for years growing up. I prefered meeting him while sober, I didn't make any stupid decisions and I could recall his name and what he looked like. He even remembered what he wore on our first date and wore the same thing the day he proposed.

[michaelskis]

NO!

It has not worked for me so far. You might have better luck, but I know that thus far for me, It has not been all that great. My last GF was a wonderful person, but there was just still something missing.

Something about walking into a public place, and two people catching the eye of each other. Right from there, a meaningful bond is created, and from that, a relationship can build.

Although, this web site can be a great confidence builder

[Dan]

I've been active on match.com for a while. Like many here, I'm at a strange age where I'm too old for the bar scene, but too young for the organized singles activity scene. Most friends and acquaintences are married, and the social networks that could be taken advantage of at a younger age (college classes, etc) aren't there anymore.

My experience with online dating has been mixed, but I can say that if it wasn't for that, I'd probably be dating far less. I'm a bit shy, and it's difficult for me to make cold calls of attractive women in supermarkets, stors and so on.

My major peeves with online dating:

Misrepresentation. I've been communicating with a wonderful woman who classified herself as having an "average" weight in her online profile. However, when we met, she definitely wasn't my idea of average; I'd put her at a US size 16 or 18. Personality-wise, we hit if off, but she was larger than me; I just couldn't find myself physically attracted to her.

Many women online misrepresent their apperarance, specifically weight. Most on-line dating services have weight categories; slim/slender, athletic, average, a few extra pounds, and large. Some overweight women classify themselves as "average," to increase the pool of prospective matches, or because they believe it's not a misrepresentation; that the average woman is overweight. A few will lie with the hopes that a man will "see the beauty underneath the surface" when they meet.

My experience with the classifications have been:


Classification: Slim/slender
What men think of in real life: thin or petite
What men expect online: thin or petite
Reality online: petite to WPTH

Classification: Athletic/toned
What men think of in real life: very fit thin/petite to WPTH
What men expect online: very fit thin/petite to WPTH
Reality online: very fit thin/petite to WPTH, stocky rugby player

Classification: Average
What men think of in real life: WPTH
What men expect online: WPTH ± 10-15 pounds
Reality online: slim/slender to smaller BBW

Classification: A few extra pounds
What men think of in real life: WPTH +10-15 pounds
What men expect online: smaller BBW (US size 14-18), stocky rugby player
Reality online: smaller BBW to obese

Classification: Large
What men think of in real life: BBW to obese
What men expect online: obese
Reality online: obese

Many men avoid answering women's profiles without photos, with photos in concealing or baggy clothing, or face shots only. ("Fat girl angle shots.") They've had experiences meeting "average" women with the bodies of Rosie O'Donnell or Camryn Manheim, and they don't want to get burned again.

According to my female friends, men misrepresent themselves by fudging their accomplishments, achievements or career. Many online profiles have income groups, and some men will classify themselves in the next higher income bracket. Others use pictures next to houses, cars and other belongings that they don't own. While women sometimes misrepresent their appearance, men in equal numbers misrepresent attributes relating to their ability to be good providers. Like women, men do it to increase the prospective dating pool; many women's profiles have very high minimum income requirements. .

Some men misrepresent their height. Looking at female profiles, only a small minority of women are looking for men that are shorter than the average height for men in the US (5'9"). A good number of women have a minimum 6' cutoff, even if they're 5' 4" or 5' 5" themselves. Like larger women, men will sometimes add a couple of inches to their height to increase their prospective online dating pool, quality of matches and response rate.

Dan's tidbit of advice #1 - BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR BODY TYPE IN YOUR PROFILE.

More later ... I'm working, and I don't want to post a very long message that can't be easily absorbed.

[Cardinal]

Yup, I'll agree with Dan. Be honest and post a picture. The picture should not be more than a year old.