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A few days ago, in a forum for web designers, I posted some suggestions for someone. My suggestions were largely about layout and presentation, something I do have training in, and I admitted up front that my code-writing skills are minimal. Since then, I have gotten all kinds of “free advice” (that I did not ask for) about how to improve my code-writing skills and all kinds of subtle insults implying that I am an incompetent dolt, etc. The more I tried to politely say “buzz off – I wasn’t asking for advice”, the more I got accused of being overly sensitive and so forth. It takes a lot to really tick me off and I am uncharacteristically seriously irked at the moment and in need of just letting it go because continuing to try to explain to the bozo(s) only makes things worse.
I think Citizen Planners often have to deal with the exact same kind of frustration when they are trying to do advocacy work: people acting like they are incompetent dolts because they have no relevant degree or they don’t know the “right” (professional-sounding) words to use for something. I know they deal with enormous frustration and are frequently put in the bind that I have been put in this week, where they are insulted and disrespected and if they try to set boundaries and say “No, thanks. That isn’t even relevant.”, then they get treated like big cry babies, etc.
The whole thing reminds me of something I wrote for someone in a homeschooling forum earlier this year for a woman considering trying to get her gifted daughter placed with an older class (for art or foreign language or other enrichment). She felt she was in a double-bind because she knew that most schools would initially say “no” based solely on the girl’s age. If she was “nice” and accepted their first answer, then her daughter could never get into any interesting classes. But if she “pushed”, her daughter could end up in a class where she was very much not wanted. Here is what I wrote about advocating for her daughter, and I hope it is helpful to some folks here:
---
Okay, this is what I learned while really sick and playing "musical doctors" and my life depended upon a) advocating for myself, b) not agreeing with their conclusion that "there was nothing physically wrong with me but a psychiatrist might be REALLY USEFUL" and c) remaining polite enough to not "prove" their theory that I was some rabid nut. It may sound kind of "new age" or "ditzy" or something, but I wouldn't be here to annoy <wink> everyone on a regular basis if I hadn't done this:
Do a little "meditating". Get it straight in your head and in your emotions that
a) These people are not out to get you, it has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your daughter, and if they just knew her, it would eventually be apparent to them that she DOES "belong" there and WILL "fit in" -- try to go in person so they can see what a darling, bright child she obviously is.
b) Do all within your power to let go of any negativity from the first conversation or from a "previous" conversation with someone else/some other class/whatever. Start totally fresh with no preconceived ideas whatsoever about the outcome. Make the "future"/outcome a Blank Slate in your mind, like a completely motionless pool of calm water that you can cast your pebble into and create gentle ripples wherever you so choose. In other words: do whatever you have to do to set down any emotional baggage you might be tempted to carry with you and project onto some poor, unsuspecting person who has never done anything to you to merit you assuming "ill motives".
c) Believe with all your heart -- because it is the absolute truth -- that there is absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by gently broaching your "radical" idea and inquiring what they might think, how this might be accomplished, etc. This is also something I sometimes call "Don't say 'no' for them". If you develop a negative attitude and decide there is no point in even trying because all the other schools said 'no', hey, you've already lost the battle.
When you have those things down pat, then you can go have a nice little conversation with some of these schools about your interest in their program, which sounds like such a good fit for your daughter. Twenty of them may tell you "no" and treat you like you are a Loon. Pay them no mind. They obviously are just having a bad day/didn't understand what you were trying to say/have never encountered such a unique situation/something-- ANYTHING-- else that neither "blames" them nor places "guilt" on you.
Then, start over with a) putting down your emotional baggage AGAIN (hopefully, it will get lost along the way and never arrive and then you will have to buy "new clothes" when you get where you are going and they will be far more glorious than the garbage that was so fortuitously lost) b) assuming NOTHING c) GENUINE respect for the poor people whose minds you are baffling with your radical ideas.
Two- or three- dozen "fresh starts" later and people will marvel at this incredible thing you so 'effortlessly' accomplished. Then bite your tongue and let them believe it was "easy" -- because it will, eventually, get easy. I doubt Arnold Schwarzenegger has trouble carrying in groceries from the car. With enough practice, you will find it easier and easier to pull this off. And never mind the dozen or so times you may have fallen on your face and made an utter fool of yourself. THIS new school knows nothing about that. Pretend you don't either.
I think Citizen Planners often have to deal with the exact same kind of frustration when they are trying to do advocacy work: people acting like they are incompetent dolts because they have no relevant degree or they don’t know the “right” (professional-sounding) words to use for something. I know they deal with enormous frustration and are frequently put in the bind that I have been put in this week, where they are insulted and disrespected and if they try to set boundaries and say “No, thanks. That isn’t even relevant.”, then they get treated like big cry babies, etc.
The whole thing reminds me of something I wrote for someone in a homeschooling forum earlier this year for a woman considering trying to get her gifted daughter placed with an older class (for art or foreign language or other enrichment). She felt she was in a double-bind because she knew that most schools would initially say “no” based solely on the girl’s age. If she was “nice” and accepted their first answer, then her daughter could never get into any interesting classes. But if she “pushed”, her daughter could end up in a class where she was very much not wanted. Here is what I wrote about advocating for her daughter, and I hope it is helpful to some folks here:
---
Okay, this is what I learned while really sick and playing "musical doctors" and my life depended upon a) advocating for myself, b) not agreeing with their conclusion that "there was nothing physically wrong with me but a psychiatrist might be REALLY USEFUL" and c) remaining polite enough to not "prove" their theory that I was some rabid nut. It may sound kind of "new age" or "ditzy" or something, but I wouldn't be here to annoy <wink> everyone on a regular basis if I hadn't done this:
Do a little "meditating". Get it straight in your head and in your emotions that
a) These people are not out to get you, it has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your daughter, and if they just knew her, it would eventually be apparent to them that she DOES "belong" there and WILL "fit in" -- try to go in person so they can see what a darling, bright child she obviously is.
b) Do all within your power to let go of any negativity from the first conversation or from a "previous" conversation with someone else/some other class/whatever. Start totally fresh with no preconceived ideas whatsoever about the outcome. Make the "future"/outcome a Blank Slate in your mind, like a completely motionless pool of calm water that you can cast your pebble into and create gentle ripples wherever you so choose. In other words: do whatever you have to do to set down any emotional baggage you might be tempted to carry with you and project onto some poor, unsuspecting person who has never done anything to you to merit you assuming "ill motives".
c) Believe with all your heart -- because it is the absolute truth -- that there is absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by gently broaching your "radical" idea and inquiring what they might think, how this might be accomplished, etc. This is also something I sometimes call "Don't say 'no' for them". If you develop a negative attitude and decide there is no point in even trying because all the other schools said 'no', hey, you've already lost the battle.
When you have those things down pat, then you can go have a nice little conversation with some of these schools about your interest in their program, which sounds like such a good fit for your daughter. Twenty of them may tell you "no" and treat you like you are a Loon. Pay them no mind. They obviously are just having a bad day/didn't understand what you were trying to say/have never encountered such a unique situation/something-- ANYTHING-- else that neither "blames" them nor places "guilt" on you.
Then, start over with a) putting down your emotional baggage AGAIN (hopefully, it will get lost along the way and never arrive and then you will have to buy "new clothes" when you get where you are going and they will be far more glorious than the garbage that was so fortuitously lost) b) assuming NOTHING c) GENUINE respect for the poor people whose minds you are baffling with your radical ideas.
Two- or three- dozen "fresh starts" later and people will marvel at this incredible thing you so 'effortlessly' accomplished. Then bite your tongue and let them believe it was "easy" -- because it will, eventually, get easy. I doubt Arnold Schwarzenegger has trouble carrying in groceries from the car. With enough practice, you will find it easier and easier to pull this off. And never mind the dozen or so times you may have fallen on your face and made an utter fool of yourself. THIS new school knows nothing about that. Pretend you don't either.