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WASHINGTON – Attorney General John Ashcroft today announced the capture of the suspected leader of a terrorist group operating within the United States. FBI sources idenitified the man as John Abdul Al-Kerry, a high-ranking member of the ultra-leftist, pro United Nations group called the Democratic Party.
Earlier this year, the Department of Homeland Security issued a set of playing cards bearing the likeness of Al-Kerry, who was the ace of spades. Other cards depicted Al-Gore, Al-Franken, Ralph Nader, and other terrorist leaders.
In a brief statement, Ashcroft said “Al-Kerry has been under surveillance for some time. We have strong evidence to prove that he has been conspiring with others, including U.S. citizens, to topple the present government through what intelligence analysist describe as an ‘electoral process.’ We acted to protect the American people from any such threat.”
Al-Kerry was taken by military personnel to an undisclosed location, where he will be interrogated and held indefinitely.The intelligence community was described as eagerly waiting to learn what they could from him. During the raid, U.S. forces were said to have collected several pieces of vital information.
“We came across lists of suspected terrorists.” Said Ashcroft. “These so-called ‘voter registration lists’ contain the names and addresses of Democrat operatives in every state. People will be surprised at how widespread this terrorist cell was when we begin rounding them up.”
This was the largest anti-terrorist raid yet on American soil. “I are committed to fighting Democrats wherever I find it.” asserted President Bush from the White House. Bush later corrected himself. “I am commited to fighting democracy wherever I find it.”
Inspired by swing voters' love of John McCain, Kerry stages POW photos to show off his bravery. Kerry then "escaped," capturing the gunmman, making a point not to put panties or a black hood over the terrorist's head as his opponent would do.