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Code of Conduct for the Male Species

SlaveToTheGrind

Cyburbian
Messages
1,492
Points
27
I don't know who comes up with these things but are they ever true.


1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate
rises to 400 percent.)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see anything.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.
28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.
 

H

Cyburbian
Messages
2,850
Points
24
SlaveToTheGrind said:
26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.

Dude I hate when people talk to you in there. I also hate when you are at the last of lets say 3 stalls and the other 2 are empty and then some guy walks in and goes to the middle stall! Why don’t you spread out to the end, buddy! I don’t want to hear you pee.

SCOOT OVER!!

edit by Chet:
There is the obligatory "I am not a homo" unused urinal between to peeing men at all time. (sorry homos) Crowded sporting venues are the only exception, wherein using the sink may be acceptable. See bail rule above.
 
Messages
7,649
Points
29
Ultimate exception: Men who have spent sufficient time in the military and/or fought in a war are Manly enough to pick and choose which Manly codes they feel interested in honoring. For Example: Vietnam Vets who choose to wear pink shall never have their Manliness questioned -- EVEN if they have a boyfriend.
 

nerudite

Cyburbian
Messages
6,544
Points
30
SlaveToTheGrind said:
[snip]

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. [/snip]

Is this saying that I have to bond or else I'm in trouble, or that I have to bond or else he's in trouble?
 

Zoning Goddess

Cyburbian
Messages
13,852
Points
39
Where is the clause to #10, wherein the male is not required, or expected, to remember anyone's birthday, except wife/girlfriend's (who, by the way, will shop in your stead for all the others)? After all, isn't this why you got married in the first place? ;)
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,623
Points
34
Dan - you will likely be flamed for that!



[toungue in cheek]

its a wonder you're still single.

[/tongue in cheek]
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
18,811
Points
69
Deleted the list because it's a bit off-topic for the thread.

I'll still say "preach on, brother man ... preach on."

What's worse than the urinal thing is sitting in the end stall, and some guy comes and uses the stall next to you even though the others are free. Dude, I don't want to hear your grunts, plops, splats, splashes, toots and spittle-filled horn blasts, okay? Why the stall next to mine, too? Wanna' peek through the crack between the stall divider and the bathroom wall?

The "no talking at the uirnal" rule does not apply:

a) at troughs in stadium and arena bathrooms, during the time between quarters, periods or during the seventh inning stretch. The topic must not stray from the game being played.

b) in gay bars. (sorry gays)

It's okay for a man to not be interested in sports. They must, however, do plenty of research, so they can at least present a manly appearance; i.e. know team names and standings; the names and positions of well-regarded players; stadium names, capacities and other attributes, and so on.

When presented with the opportunity to buy a "football card" or "play squares," a man must never decline, regardless of their interest in football.

Men must declare a rabid loyalty to a sports program at a college in a distant state, even if they or any of their friends or relatives did not go to that school, i.e. if you graduated from Case Western Reserve University and now live in Rhode Island, cheer on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. WHOOO!!! GO NEBRASKA!!!!! If you're Catholic, Notre Dame is the default team where your loyalties should lie.

With pro football, if you don't hail from a region whose fan loyalties are aligned with one team, or if you are watching a football game where your home team isn't playing, you must cheer on the Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Chicago Bears, Washington Redskins, or the Oakland Raiders. If two of these teams are playing against each other, flip a coin.

At a casino, men play table games like blackjack and craps, and use the slots only for spare change they have floating around.

You get your hair cut at a BARBER SHOP. Never a stylist, never a salon, never someplace in a mall, never a place with a strange name like "The Mane Event" or "Curl Up and Dye." A BARBER SHOP.
 
Messages
7,649
Points
29
Zoning Goddess said:
Where is the clause to #10, wherein the male is not required, or expected, to remember anyone's birthday, except wife/girlfriend's (who, by the way, will shop in your stead for all the others)? After all, isn't this why you got married in the first place? ;)

My husband must have missed that clause. He has, on more than one occasion, bought me a late birthday card and an apology card. He does, however, remember our anniversary. I guess my being born is not important but marrying me was.
 

Duke Of Dystopia

Cyburbian
Messages
2,713
Points
24
SlaveToTheGrind said:
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.

clause #1

You must intervene if it is a clear victory for the NON-friend side.

And

You must intervene if it is a life threatening situation

And

If you see it coming before anyone else and feel it has been too long since you mixed it up and your face aint that pretty any way so I might as well get some excitement as I am not getting laid tonight anyway as the all these bitches are frigid and gold-diggers so I might as well have one more story to tell before staff meeting cause there hasn't been any good hogtied christmass elves at the Sunday night hangout lately to fill the gap!
 

Duke Of Dystopia

Cyburbian
Messages
2,713
Points
24
SlaveToTheGrind said:
I9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

Clause #1

You are between an amature and a professional brewer and a friend for longer than 9 months, you should have introduced and taught him about good beer and thus can pound him for his INADIQUACIES as a "REAL MAN" for drinking beer brewed for pussies with NO TASTE and for WOMEN!
 

Duke Of Dystopia

Cyburbian
Messages
2,713
Points
24
Dan said:
With pro football, if you don't hail from a region whose fan loyalties are aligned with one team, or if you are watching a football game where your home team isn't playing, you must cheer on ... Green Bay Packers....

CHEESEHEADS are EVERYWHERE BABY! Great ED system in WI but no jobs for those who get the GREAT ED! So we end up ALL OVER! We spend the rest of our working lives trying to get back to GODS country! :)

Sorry for the bad grammer english teachers, a liter and a half of wine will do taht! :)
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
18,811
Points
69
The Irish one said:
NEVER! That rule is BS I will always be a Raider hater. Last years super bowl was pure bliss. Nothing in football could have been sweeter.

Hey, I'm no Raiders fan, either. I'm basing the list on my observation of peoples' behavior watching professional football games where their home team or favorite isn't playing. They're also the teams that Don West, the guy who used to sell sports cards late at night, used to go gaga over.

Duke Of Dystopia said:
You are between an amature and a professional brewer and a friend for longer than 9 months, you should have introduced and taught him about good beer and thus can pound him for his INADIQUACIES as a "REAL MAN" for drinking beer brewed for pussies with NO TASTE and for WOMEN!

Well, I'll let it go for Bud or Coors. If it's a light beer or Michelob Ultra (the ultimate chick beer), the hell he'll catch from me will be unceasing. If it's Zima, wine coolers and/or something like Bacardi Breeze, he might as well just turn on Lifetime, take the batteries out of the remote, and throw 'em away.
 

donk

Cyburbian
Messages
6,970
Points
30
I'll add another to the beer comments.

You can comment on the brand of beer in the fridge, if you always do. For example, I don't like schooner, one of my friends does. I always try to take a beer I like to drink to his house, sometimes I run out or forget, then I'll say i guess I have to settle for a skunky schooner or some other disparaging remark that i would have made anyways.

On the Bacardi Breeze, they are only acceptabale to have in the house if the buddy has a GF. Must top them up with rum before drinking.
 

Jeff

Cyburbian
Messages
4,161
Points
27
Double or even triple hittin the blunt or J is OK (puff puff give). But don't ever double or triple hit the bong or pipe.
 

Wannaplan?

Bounty Hunter
Messages
3,223
Points
29
Re: Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

Huston said:
Dude I hate when people talk to you in there. I also hate when you are at the last of lets say 3 stalls and the other 2 are empty and then some guy walks in and goes to the middle stall! Why don’t you spread out to the end, buddy! I don’t want to hear you pee.

SCOOT OVER!!

edit by Chet:
There is the obligatory "I am not a homo" unused urinal between to peeing men at all time. (sorry homos) Crowded sporting venues are the only exception, wherein using the sink may be acceptable. See bail rule above.

Where I work, everyone is nice. Even in the bathroom. I'll be taking a wizz, and some dude will come in, say hello, unzip, and piss. EXCUSE ME?!!!!! I'm sorry, I'm holding my penis right now, forgive me if I'm a little rude to you. The only time I talk to some one when I'm holding my penis is when I'm with my girlfriend. And another thing - why is it that when I walk into the bathroom and someone is already at a urinal, why do they turn their head to see who is coming down the hall? Yeah, my co-workers do that. Can you believe it?! It's freaking weird! I know, pissing is boring, but it's not so bad that you have to turn your head to see who's going to be peeing next to you. Mind your own business you homophobic co-worker!
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,623
Points
34
Re: Re: Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

Alan said:
And another thing - why is it that when I walk into the bathroom and someone is already at a urinal, why do they turn their head to see who is coming down the hall? Yeah, my co-workers do that. Can you believe it?! It's freaking weird! I know, pissing is boring, but it's not so bad that you have to turn your head to see who's going to be peeing next to you. Mind your own business you homophobic co-worker!

That rule is valid in the workplace, but not when on the road. Pee fear is valid in waysides and truck stops.
 

El Feo

Cyburbian
Messages
674
Points
19
Dan said:
You get your hair cut at a BARBER SHOP. Never a stylist, never a salon, never someplace in a mall, never a place with a strange name like "The Mane Event" or "Curl Up and Dye." A BARBER SHOP.

My personal codicil to this rule: ONLY get your hair cut by a guy with a service tattoo.
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,623
Points
34
El Feo said:
My personal codicil to this rule: ONLY get your hair cut by a guy with a service tattoo.

LOL my barber has a service tat and about 6 others, plus a few obvious piercings. Im pretty sure he's still gay. (sorry serve men and barbers).
 

H

Cyburbian
Messages
2,850
Points
24
Whatever. I get mine cut by this hot chick. She doesn’t speak English very well, but she shampoos great ;)
 

otterpop

Cyburbian
Messages
6,655
Points
28
As far as haircuts, I adhere to the rule of always going to a barber, and never to one that requires an appoinment. I don't mind waiting my turn "reading" this month's Playboy, but I will not make an appointment with a guy who went to trade school. Besides, if I did not occasionally spend part of an afternoon in a barbershop how would I ever know what the hell Rush Limbaugh thinks or who he hates.
 

H

Cyburbian
Messages
2,850
Points
24
otterpop said:
....I don't mind waiting my turn "reading" this month's Playboy.

When I lived in Mississippi, the place I got my haircut had playboy AND free beer while you waited! :)
 

biscuit

Cyburbian
Messages
3,904
Points
25
No dice on the only going to a barber rule. I'll keep going to the hot chick at the over priced salon where I can get a head massage and good hair-cut. Last time I went to the barber I had to spend the money I'd saved on buying a hat.

On the mensroom rules... Every time I go into the restroom on my floor there seems to be at least three or four building inspectors hanging out and talking in there. They talk while they're in the stalls and them stand around and talk while others are doing their business around them. Why would they want to do that?
I'm sorry but that's just a big "NO" in my book.
 

SlaveToTheGrind

Cyburbian
Messages
1,492
Points
27
Re: Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

Huston said:
When I lived in Mississippi, the place I got my haircut had playboy AND free beer while you waited! :)

I remember when I was no older than 10, my mom would take my brother and I to the barber shop downtown where all businessmen would get their haircut. They had Hugh Hefnes mags their. I would put one inside another to look at it. Wonder if my mom knew. By the way, I always get my haircut at a barber shop. They know how to cut hair and they use the hot shaving cream and straight edge around the neck and ears.
 

biscuit

Cyburbian
Messages
3,904
Points
25
Re: Re: Code of Conduct for the Male Species

Huston said:
When I lived in Mississippi, the place I got my haircut had playboy AND free beer while you waited! :)

SWEEEEET! Do you think they would be willing to open a chain of that place? :)
 

The Irish One

Member
Messages
2,267
Points
25
Double or even triple hittin the blunt or J is OK (puff puff give). But don't ever double or triple hit the bong or pipe.
In my parts you smoke the entire bongload you're given. You could say it's forbidden to share a load. As far as the pipe is concerned always share and don't get your slobber all over the mouth piece -no double hits for sure. and if you're sparking a freshee be kind and dont't char the entire bowl -take a corner of the bowl so others can enjoy the freshee as well. The piece must be glass. no metal, clay, tin cans etc, glass only -perhaps a chillum or a quality bubbler. A doobies circumfrence can never be smaller than that of the pinky finger of tthe fattest guy in your group. And you NEVER, I MEAN NEVER smoke mexi, south american or any local BRICK WEED! NO SHWAG!
 
Last edited:

Mastiff

Gunfighter
Messages
7,181
Points
30
SlaveToTheGrind said:
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

One duty of the "wingman". There is a very funny article in Maxim about the wingman awards and medals. I posted the link below:

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

Maxim is a bit... well, take your chances at work.

http://www.maximonline.com/world_o_sex/articles/article_5217.html
 
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