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Confession time, Part II

Whose Yur Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
12,006
Points
46
So sorry. terraplnr. I can't believe the schmuck is walking out just when you and your child need him the most. That said, a few suggestions:

See a lawyer immediately about child support. You won't have time after the baby comes.

Line up as much help with the baby as you can. Your son will need extra attention from you with the new addition to the family.

I'm not sure how old your son is and what activities he participates in, or could when he gets older. Whether it's playing sports or Scouts (or a church-based alternative), be frank about being a single mom and your son having little or limited time with his dad. Plenty of people will step up to help. With my son, a good friend's family included him on day fishing trips. His den leader and family had us over for dinner so my son could work on his Pinewood Derby car with the leader and his son. The dad next door taught my son to ride a bike. My brother invited us to join his family on inexpensive trips to scallop in the Gulf, and taught my son to shoot and hunt. My mom taught him to play poker. That's just the short list.

I don't know how you stop thinking about the other person. My situation was very different, but a therapist just told me to keep telling myself "He's insane, he's insane" and that worked quite well for me. I quit trying to analyze what happened. Because you'll never figure out the real "why".

My sympathy as well. I'll echo what ZG said, with the emphasis about trying to figure out why.
 

Cardinal

Cyburbian
Messages
10,069
Points
34
So sorry. terraplnr. I can't believe the schmuck is walking out just when you and your child need him the most. That said, a few suggestions:

See a lawyer immediately about child support. You won't have time after the baby comes.

Line up as much help with the baby as you can. Your son will need extra attention from you with the new addition to the family.

I'm not sure how old your son is and what activities he participates in, or could when he gets older. Whether it's playing sports or Scouts (or a church-based alternative), be frank about being a single mom and your son having little or limited time with his dad. Plenty of people will step up to help. With my son, a good friend's family included him on day fishing trips. His den leader and family had us over for dinner so my son could work on his Pinewood Derby car with the leader and his son. The dad next door taught my son to ride a bike. My brother invited us to join his family on inexpensive trips to scallop in the Gulf, and taught my son to shoot and hunt. My mom taught him to play poker. That's just the short list.

I don't know how you stop thinking about the other person. My situation was very different, but a therapist just told me to keep telling myself "He's insane, he's insane" and that worked quite well for me. I quit trying to analyze what happened. Because you'll never figure out the real "why".

Your comments made me think of how much I was raised by my extended family. While both of my parents were there, I also had my brothers and sister. Summers were spent on vacation or up at my grandparent's summer home on the lake, where where I might expect to see not only my own family and granparents, but aunt and uncle and three cousins. It was not uncommon for even more relatives (dad's aunts and uncles, etc.) to be there. So I guess I am suggesting that if you have familky, turn to them.

On the issue of getting over it, you have to realize that you are ultimately the one who is better off. You no longer have him in your life hurting you, and since he is not going to change he is stuck with himself.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,255
Points
57
terraplnr - you worked hard to make someone else happy - NOW it's time for you to make yourself & your kids happy
 

SW MI Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
3,196
Points
27
terraplnr, so sorry you are going through this. I know first hand how much it causes hurt, anger, sadness, sometimes remorese. Hopefully giving him the chance a year or so ago, even with warning signs, gives you a peace of mind that you did all you could to save your marriage and so at the end of the day this is his choice and it has no reflection on you. The very fact that he is choosing to leave his children says more about him than anything, and gives you insight into his lack of motivation, dedication, or frankly even decency. This is something you are not likely to ever understand, and unfortunately there are no solutions other than time. Take this time to work on not only the kid(s) but also yourself - it may seem to get worse before it gets better but I promise it will get better.
 

ursus

Cyburbian, raised by Cyburbians
Messages
5,070
Points
25
terraplannr I wish I had advice, but I don't. I do have hugs, and they're all for you and yours today. You hang in there.
 

kms

Cyburbian
Messages
6,868
Points
45
terraplnr, so sorry you are going through this. I know first hand how much it causes hurt, anger, sadness, sometimes remorese. Hopefully giving him the chance a year or so ago, even with warning signs, gives you a peace of mind that you did all you could to save your marriage and so at the end of the day this is his choice and it has no reflection on you. The very fact that he is choosing to leave his children says more about him than anything, and gives you insight into his lack of motivation, dedication, or frankly even decency. This is something you are not likely to ever understand, and unfortunately there are no solutions other than time. Take this time to work on not only the kid(s) but also yourself - it may seem to get worse before it gets better but I promise it will get better.

Well said, friend. I'll add this: don't ever doubt that you're a good mother and a good person. It doesn't seem as if you'll ever get over this, but you will. You'll also get really tired of hearing that and hearing that kids are resilient.
 

dw914er

Cyburbian
Messages
1,578
Points
21
Coragus and Terraplnr, I wish you both luck as you embark the next step in your lives. I wish I had advice, but we're all here for you.
 

terraplnr

Cyburbian
Messages
2,441
Points
30
Thank you so much everyone. I was (obviously) feeling very overwhelmed last week. The divorce thing came up in mid-February and we had agreed on child care / visitation / etc. in the cases where he stayed here or moved, and I was feeling relatively ok (all things considered). But then he officially took the job offer, and also told me about the other person two weeks ago, and it’s been really hard since then. In all fairness it really is an excellent career opportunity for him, it is just the worst timing in the whole world. I don’t have family that lives anywhere close, but they’ll be taking turns visiting over the summer to help out. When an opportunity comes up that makes sense I’ll move closer to family (problem is they are all spread out, but at least being in the same city as one or two of them would be better than none of them).

We also met with a psychologist who works with children a lot because I’ve been so worried about the affect all these changes will have on my son. After hearing everything he made me feel a lot better, that of course he won’t like having his dad move so far away, but he won’t become a an emotional wreck needing years of therapy as an adult :p as long as we don’t turn the divorce into a “warfare” situation, and answer his questions as they come up, and always reassure him that he is loved and wanted.

Thanks to you all for the kind words!!!
 
Messages
3,043
Points
26
*Warm hugs to Terraplnr and Coragus*
The earlier posters had fine advice. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and find yourself needing emotional support, feel free to "hail" me via this website.:)
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
30,148
Points
74
I've been hiding this secret a long time, but it has gnawed at my heart for too long.......I actually like Banquet fried chicken!:-c
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
30,148
Points
74
I confess I find the very concept of New York City daunting. I get the feeling I could live there my entire life and still feel like a stranger.
 

Gedunker

Moderating
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
11,852
Points
47
I confess I find the very concept of New York City daunting. I get the feeling I could live there my entire life and still feel like a stranger.

I confess that, to me, that sounds 100% appealing.

The City consumes you as you consume it: it digests you, but you cannot digest it in the same way. But if you pay close attention to all the textures and sounds and lights and temperatures and shadows, to the people, places and the traditions, then the City reveals a small part of itself more deeply, more beautifully, more completely - than any other city, anywhere in the world.
 
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