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Cyburbia limerick contest

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
17,326
Points
53
Cyburbia Limerick contest

By popular demand! Starting today and continuing through to 31 August, post a planning or urbanism-related limerick. I'll choose what I think are the ten best, and from that list we'll vote for the best limerick out there.

The grand prize ... drumroll please ...





The infamous "Damn Commie Planners!" mug, showing Lenin and Stalin performing some "visioning exercises."



I may post a limerick if one comes to mind, but they'll be excluded from the final vote.

Exercise good judgement with regards to the subject of the limerick; i.e. let's not get too un-PC, okay?

Vulgar limericks are permitted, but please use SPOILER tags to enclose them. Please note that many English language profanities related to copulation and genitalia are censored; substitute the first letter and the appropriate number of asterisks.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*** was so big he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a c*** I would f*** it

Limericks must follow generally accepted rules and traditions for structure and content, as described below.

Limerick rules

(absconded from http://freespace.virgin.net/merrick.sheldon/limerickrules.htm)

Otherwise known as poetry for the common man, limericks, named after the Irish town of the same name, were first published in 1820 in The History of Sixteen Wonderful Old Women Exhibiting their Principle Eccentricities and Amusements. by James Harris. They were popularised by Edward Lear (1812 - 1888) in his 1846 Book of Nonsense, a two-volume work featuring 73 illustrated limericks. Despite featuring examples of misogyny and racism, these books were intended for children, with mildly nonsensical verses such as these:

There was an old man of Nepal
From his horse had a terrible fall
But, though split in two,
By some very strong glue
They mended that man of Nepal.

There was an old man of the coast
Who placidly sat on a post
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot, buttered toast.


Characteristic of Lear's limericks is the identical ending to the first and last lines (example 1) and the use of a place-name at the end of each. Given the intended audience, most of the limericks in his book closely resemble those reproduced above, seldom using a different word for the last line and seldom introducing the humorous twist until the third line.

Limerick structure

Lear's book cemented the structure if not the the content of popular limericks. The content-independent school of limerickery holds that any five-line poem with the requisite structure is a limerick, as would be true for a sonnet or villanelle fitting their respective formulae.

Limericks are officially described as a form of 'anapestic trimeter'; the 'anapest' is a 'foot' of poetic verse consisting of three syllables, the third longer (or accentuated to a greater degree) than the first two. Lines one, two and five of a limerick should ideally consist of three anapests each, concluding with an identical or similar phoneme to create the rhyme. Lines three and four are shorter, constructed of two anapests each and again rhyming with each other. Thus, the overall rhyme structure of a, a, b, b, a, with the beat pattern

a:da-da-daah da-da-daah da-da-daah
b:da-da-daah da-da-daah

Often, lines three and four have an extra syllable at their start. Variations on this theme include the substitution of the final foot of a line to the iamb, a two-syllable foot with the accent on the second. Further substitution in this way can result in the maximum syllable count of

1. 9 syllables pause 3
da-da-daah da-da-daah da-da-daah

2. 9 syllables pause 3
da-da-daah da-da-daah da-da-daah

3. 6/7 syllables no pause
(da) da-da-daah da-da-daah

4. 6/7 syllables no pause
(da) da-da-daah da-da-daah

5. 9 syllables pause 3
da-da-daah da-da-daah da-da-daah

being reduced to a minimum of

1.7 syllables pause 5
da-dah da-da-dah da-daah

2. 7 syllables pause 5
da-dah da-da-dah da-daah

3. 4 syllables pause 2
da-da da-daah

4. 4 syllables pause 2
da-da da-daah

5. 7 syllables pause 5
da-dah da-da-dah da-daa

As the figures in italics indicate, curtailing the 'active' beats of any line results in a corresponding increase in the number of beats' pause between lines.

It is possible to construct a limerick with unmatching a or b lines; it is essential that the overall beat structure remains and that the flow of words allows the lines to be spoken as if they were identical.

Limerick content

Whilst the appreciation of a finely-structured limerick has a place in today's world, tradition dictates that the comic value of a limerick is greatly enhanced if the content involves that great stalwart of humorous verse - vulgarity. Since Lear's time, the habit of using the same word (usually a place) to end the first and final lines has been supplanted. Limericks today often comprise the following basic formula:

Introduce person - end line on place or name
A maiden, whose name was Felicity

Describe the characteristic(s) of the person
Tried living without electricity:

Detail their activities on this line
By propane she cooks

And complete them on this
And by oil-lamp reads books

Whilst saving the last line for the comic consequence and conclusion
And forbids watching telly explicitly.

This is quite acceptable, but still slightly dull. The anonymous author of the following limerick succinctly describes the problem of style over content:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical;
The good ones I've seen
Are seldom so clean,
Whilst the clean ones are seldom so comical.


The writer Don Marquis made a statement in a similar vein, summing up the traditional content of limericks:

'There are three kinds of limerick:
Those suitable for recount in the presence of ladies...

A limerick written in jest
Should be vulgar, to sit with the best;
Here, rudeness is banned,
You must understand,
Leaving rhythm the visible test.

In accordance with DNA's dreams
We sit here for hours at our screens;
We write about inns
And of cafés and things
And in forums sit venting our spleens

I once met a man from the South
Whose manner was somewhat uncouth;
He'd constantly swear,
Driving decent folk spare
'Til some soap was applied to his mouth.

A being whose name was The Lord
Sought Harmony, Peace and Accord;
He sent down His Son
To placate Everyone
But it Seems that His Word was Ignored.


'...those utterable in the absence of ladies but the presence of clergy...

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who spent all her life in a bucket;
So scarce was her space
That she had a squashed face,
Though into her right ear she could tuck it.

A vicar, the Reverend Bowles
Took care to protect all our souls;
With a stern but fair grin
He would steer us from sin
And make godly living our goal


'...and limericks.'

A slavering pervert named Benny
Sought pleasure in Abergavenny;
His bestial urges
Led him to grass verges:
His girlfriends were woollen and many.

'Tis normal for boys adolescent
To be troubled by urges incessant;
In bed, every night
When they turn out the light
They do things that they find rather pleasant

An elderly priest, Father Vaughan
Knew not what to do 'bout his horn;
Though he could not show it
He longed so to blow it
Along to the tune of soft porn

The PowersThatBe of this site
have vast editorial might
If we wish to swear
We must take it elsewhere
As we can't even say **** or *****.


Of course, it is possible to be witty and clever without recourse to vulgarity and indecency. Subtle use of euphemism can make a technically inoffensive limerick greater than one with overt smut...

There was a young plumber called Lee
Who plumbed a girl down by the sea;
She said: 'Stop your plumbing -
'There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'It's me!'

A gentleman hailing from York
To his kitchen utensils would talk;
He'd lie on the floor
With his cutlery drawer
Where he'd ask his knives: 'Fancy a fork?'


Whilst clever word-play relating to the structure itself can be employed when expletives and a salacious subject must be avoided.

Also, the long-established structure and rhyme pattern of limericks can be turned against them; the reader or listener knows what to expect after the first line, providing, of course, that they've heard a limerick before, and can thus be led to believe that an expletive is imminent. When the expletive or expected word is replaced, the results are often pleasing. The added advantage of printability goes without saying.

The limericks shown on this site
Cannot be as rude as they might
Instead of conceding,
You might try misleading,
By making them think you'll shout 'Excrement!'

I was feeling quite down on my luck
When I slipped over into some muck;
I went head-over-chest,
Got covered in dung
and shouted, quite loudly, 'Oh, bother!"
 

Cardinal

Cyburbian
Messages
10,078
Points
33
Here's a weak effort to get us going. I'll work on a few more, maybe involving Plannergirl...

The stores in our town were once mom and pop
Developers cried “This we must stop!”
They moved without pity
And paid off the city
Now Wal-Mart’s the lone place to shop
 
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nerudite

Cyburbian
Messages
6,544
Points
29
This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. So here's my first limerick (I'm hoping that they'll get better as I get more practice).

A local developer named Stan
Couldn't figure out how to plan.
He submitted blank paper
To build a skyscraper.
And he still made a hundred grand.
 

nerudite

Cyburbian
Messages
6,544
Points
29
Looking for office flirtation,
But work harassment's an aberration?
There's nothing to fear
Because your answer is here:
Read to her adult business regulations.
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
24
limerick

There was a young man from Woonsocket
who played with his thing in his pocket.
When asked why
he said with a sigh
"Until you've tried it don't knock it."
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
24
limerick 2.0

There was a girl from Verdun
who weighed fifty pounds short of a ton.
She said with a twinkle
"Try every wrinkle
and I'll let you know when you're done."
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
24
limerick 2.1

A planner from Tallahassee
wanted to make it with Lassie.
When he was done,
he said rather glum
I wish southern dogs weren't so sassy.
 

SW MI Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
3,195
Points
26
OK, here are mine....

1)
There once was a planner in France
the fool spent his time in a trance.
The day he was caught,
they said you shall not!
So instead he just played in his pants.

2)
With site plans and zoning around,
questions and problems abound.
They say this is planning,
what should we be banning?
Perhaps SOB's, trash, and the pound.
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
24
limerick

A man from Alabam'
wanted to sire a lamb.
He knew what to do
and his aim was true
but the ewe he knew was a ram.
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,624
Points
33
Plannergirl went to Tallahasee
And proceeded to get tipsy
Next Thing You know
She's in Ocoee
Wearing Olive Oil and PVC
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,624
Points
33
She came with a question 'bout zoning
And looked through the maps with zeal
With one look at Prudence
She let out a squeal
She came without question while moaning
 

prudence

Cyburbian
Messages
688
Points
19
Dear God People...I am all for a saucy limerick, but enough with the bestiality. It's early here in the Midwest.
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
the truth be told

There once was a man from Green Bay
Who watched his team on sunday
The pack won by a score
and the headlines did roar:
The bears from chicago are gay.


this coming from a homegrown Illinois boy.
We're not all bad!
 

Jen

Cyburbian
Messages
1,704
Points
24
There's an online community called cyburbia
With plannertypes from Buffalo to Serbia

Out of limp dirt their fingers grab hold
The board heats up and pvc kittens implode

As you can see we are quite prone to hyperbole!
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
24
limerick

An Ohio planner named Tom
writes to Cyburbia dot com
of this and of thats
of beer and of cats
and whatever you do don't tell Mom!
 

NHPlanner

Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
9,860
Points
38
Jen said:
There's an online community called cyburbia
With plannertypes from Buffalo to Serbia

Out of limp dirt their fingers grab hold
The board heats up and pvc kittens implode

As you can see we are quite prone to hyperbole!
Call off the rest of the contest...we have a winner!

Great one Jen!
 

adaptor

Member
Messages
123
Points
6
There once was a dingy old city
Was host to its fair share of NIMBYs
They said “Don’t build it here
You’ll scare off the deer!”
So nothing got built, what a pity.
 

Habanero

Cyburbian
Messages
3,241
Points
27
Today's Lesson

It was the ugliest building downtown
A hideous thing
An architecture let down

Sold a few weeks ago
The proposed use is a no-go
Money wasted that the owner did borrow

Zoning wouldn't permit
Board of Adjustment said the use was unfit
Now I'm left explaining the mess to a relator dimwit

The moral of the story is this:
When buying property, the zoning code you should not dismiss
Double check, as relators are often remiss

And after all is done, through streets don't run amuck
Call the relator, and tell herself she can go ****
 
Last edited:

adaptor

Member
Messages
123
Points
6
In the classical cities of yore
You couldn’t walk out of the door
Without soiling your shoes
From horses**t and sewers
It ain’t like the old days no more
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
rustbelt said:
There once was a dingy old city
Was host to its fair share of NIMBYs
They said “Don’t build it here
You’ll scare off the deer!”
So nothing got built, what a pity.
beautifully done.
 

Tranplanner

maudit anglais
Messages
7,903
Points
34
I can't seem to get the hang of writing limericks...can we bring back the haiku contest, please?

There once was a street in T.O.
Where the cars did move very slow
The motorists complained,
They wanted more lanes!
But still that traffic won't flow
 

el Guapo

Capitalist
Messages
5,985
Points
29
I'm semi-famous now

HIJACK --

Originally posted by Jen -

There's an online community called cyburbia
With plannertypes from Buffalo to Serbia

Out of limp dirt their fingers grab hold
The board heats up and pvc kittens implode

As you can see we are quite prone to hyperbole!



__________________
Genetics – remember men are hardwired by a million years of evolution to be distributors of little packets of genetic information. Nature demands this genetic information be available to as many as possible. Incidentally, this is why men make better gunners, bombers and missile launchers – genetics – we like hitting multiple targets. Straiffing is the term.
El Guapo


Does this count as my entire 15 minutes? Thanks Jen

/HIJACK
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,624
Points
33
Ode to Paul

There's this Cyburbanite we call Tranplanner
That has a fiance we're told
He break every mold
With haikus that are bold
And a screen name that smacks of transgender
 

Tranplanner

maudit anglais
Messages
7,903
Points
34
Oh yeah?

Thus did start the great Cyburbia Limerick War...

Apologies to all in advance, and this can/will be removed if it offends.

There once was a planner named bturk
Who's said to possess one major quirk
He closes the door,
Drops his pants to the floor
And asks Prudence to give him a jerk
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
24
limerick

A local hugger of trees
says no more houses please!
I've got mine
and it suits me fine
and my parents are both chimpanzees.
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,624
Points
33
Planderella's turn...

We know of a lass called Planderella
At APA Chicago she searched for a fella
To party all night
But oh what a sight
When she fell asleep in the discoteque's cellar
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
If your buisiness is starting to sour
Erect a sign on a tower
The taller the better
in 10 foot high letters
and patrons will come in an hour
 

prudence

Cyburbian
Messages
688
Points
19
Re: Oh yeah?

Tranplanner said:
Thus did start the great Cyburbia Limerick War...

Apologies to all in advance, and this can/will be removed if it offends.

There once was a planner named bturk
Who's said to possess one major quirk
He closes the door,
Drops his pants to the floor
And asks Prudence to give him a jerk

How in the HELL did I get dragged into this??

I didn't think I had to worry about being shot as an innocent bystander until I got to Detroit this weekend...
 

PlannerGirl

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
6,377
Points
28
hehe guys this is funny as hell

thanks for the laugh as my office goes to hell and folks loose their minds :)
 

nerudite

Cyburbian
Messages
6,544
Points
29
boiker said:
If your buisiness is starting to sour
Erect a sign on a tower
The taller the better
in 10 foot high letters
and patrons will come in an hour
Thanks boiker! I laughed so hard my diet pepsi fizzed into my nose. And that hurts! (good job btw)
 

Repo Man

Cyburbian
Messages
2,550
Points
24
The APA Limerick

There once was a Planning Organization
Who pissed off Planners across the Nation
With their stupid exams
And money making scams
The APA should take a permanent vacation.
 

Tranplanner

maudit anglais
Messages
7,903
Points
34
Re: Re: Oh yeah?

prudence said:

How in the HELL did I get dragged into this??
I guess it's just a case of "Friendly Fire". Damn those uppers they make me take!

I guess I could have said "intern" or something instead - but I think the fact that you and bturk work in the same office just made it that much...funnier (?)

Oh wait...PlannerGirl and Dave work in the same office too, right....Hmmmmmmmmmmm....
 

El Feo

Cyburbian
Messages
674
Points
19
While this website has left me inspired,
I may rue the day that I was wired.
Work's web-sniffer tools
enforce strict online rules.
Cyburbia just might get me fired.
 

adaptor

Member
Messages
123
Points
6
The sprawling homes up on the hill
outfitted with every frill
you might be surprised
that the people inside
eat exclusively Happy Meals
 
Last edited:

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
El Feo said:
While this website has left me inspired,
I may rue the day that I was wired.
Work's web-sniffer tools
enforce strict online rules.
Cyburbia just might get me fired.

nah, you'll just get a warning. :)
 
Messages
5,353
Points
31
Re: Planderella's turn...

bturk said:
We know of a lass called Planderella
At APA Chicago she searched for a fella
To party all night
But oh what a sight
When she fell asleep in the discoteque's cellar
HAHA :D
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
plan

the economy has started to flub
thanks to a bush named dub'
to generate jobs
for those who arn't snobs
zone some land for strip club
 

El Feo

Cyburbian
Messages
674
Points
19
Re: plan

boiker said:
the economy has started to flub
thanks to a bush named dub'
to generate jobs
for those who arn't snobs
zone some land for strip club
I think that ole Dub would be flattered
you think that his policies mattered
but it still remains so
it tanked three years ago
well before the last White House had scattered.
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
Re: Re: plan

El Feo said:


I think that ole Dub would be flattered
to think that his policies mattered
but it still remains so
it tanked three years ago
well before the last White House had scattered.
IT'S POETRY it doesn't have to make sense :)
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
A man came to inquire you see
about a parcel thats zoned R-3
Residential is for houses
and people with spouses
not for a creamatory.
 

Tranplanner

maudit anglais
Messages
7,903
Points
34
There once was a building proposed
Both the City and residents opposed
They took it to court
For reasons of tort
But that heritage site got bulldozed
 

El Feo

Cyburbian
Messages
674
Points
19
Tranplanner said:
There once was a building proposed
Both the City and residents opposed
They took it to court
For reasons of tort
But that heritage site got bulldozed
On a related note:

The council ruled that is was blighted
winking at the developers, benighted.
After lining their pockets,
they built Johnny Rockets
where a REAL diner was previously sited.
 
Last edited:

Repo Man

Cyburbian
Messages
2,550
Points
24
There sits a vacant parcel of land
On which some condos were planned
The neighbors gave chase
"Leave the land open space!"
"Any new development here should be banned"
 

Jen

Cyburbian
Messages
1,704
Points
24
Re: limerick

Tom R said:


Not bad, but the meter isn't quite there.
Your right Tom and thanks anyway esteemed visionary

Here's a rework

There's an online crib called Cyburbia
With plannertypes from Buffalo to Serbia
Out of Limp Dirt, Tall Dreams took hold
The board heats up and pvc kittens implode
As you can see we are quite prone to hyperbole.


Also major appelsauce to the limericksters Jfortin,boiker,tom,turkish,tran and the rest.

Also see this post by aerdona airleas, Limp Dirt Tall Dreams in its entirety.

Grassy Ass
Jen
 

Repo Man

Cyburbian
Messages
2,550
Points
24
There once was an administrator of zoning
Whose real work he kept postponing
He used all his time
To think of some rhyme
My time management skills need some honing
 

boiker

Cyburbian
Messages
3,890
Points
26
jtfortin said:
There once was an administrator of zoning
Whose real work he kept postponing
He used all his time
To think of some rhyme
My time management skills need some honing
the concious of this man has spoke
"Now, who is the crazy bloke?
Creativity is key
To longevity
those without it are broke."
 

nerudite

Cyburbian
Messages
6,544
Points
29
Where will it end?

Yet another planning poetry contest
Full of fun, humor, wit and jest.
I waste all my time
On meter and rhyme.
If anyone suggests sonnets, I'll protest!
 
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