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Great Phone Calls from the Public

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
28,266
Points
71
RN: Ah need to put up a thirdy by thirdy pole barn so's I can store mah F-150, pontoon boat, gun supplies, and mebbe have a place fer the in-laws to stay at when they's over visiting.
Me: sir, that's an additional 900 square feet of accessory building area. You've already got a 652 square foot detached garage and two 100 square-foot sheds. Your house has 900 square-feet of living area and the code says you can't have more combined accessory building area than living area.
RN: What about mah screened in porch?
Me: that's not living area. It needs to be finished/heated living space.
RN: so's if'n I plug in a space heater and nail up some particle board over the screens so's its completely enclosed that would count as extra livin' space, raht?
Me: :wall::wall::wall::wall::wall::wall::wall::wall:
 

DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
14,649
Points
51
Welcome to my world, we just don't limit the size of accessory buildings since theys always bigger'n the house.
 

The One

Cyburbian
Messages
8,287
Points
29
Snarf......

{Sarcasm On}Yeah because it is LOGICAL to have ACCESSORY uses take up more area than PRIMARY uses{Sarcasm Off} :r:
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,313
Points
44
Caller: I'd like information on financial assistance for funerals.
Me: What?
Caller: I'd like information on financial assistance for funerals.
Me: Say that again?
Caller: I'd like information on financial assistance for funerals.
Me. Who advised you to call us?
Caller: The State.


:r: :-o :facepalm:
 

Suburb Repairman

moderator in moderation
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
7,396
Points
33
Walk-In: I'm in the early stages of researching the potential to develop a 60,000 seat football stadium.

Me & My Planner: [dumb "you serious, brah" look]

Walk-In: I'd like to know what property is available for this.

Me: You should probably talk to a commercial real estate broker.

<at this point, I've noticed the dilated eyes, rapid blinking & jerky movements... this guy is tweeking or on coke>


Walk-In: We're not ready for that... they're too pushy & inpatient.

Me: How much land do you need? [trying very hard not to laugh him out of the room]

Walk-In: About 30-40 acres

Me: Ummmmm... that doesn't sound like near enough for what you described. Tell ya what, I'm going to send you over to my economic development director. She has a list of available lands and can put you in touch with a broker that can work with your timeline.

Walk-In: Great! [leaves]

<5 minutes later telephone rings>


ED Director: You're an asshole!

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

<telephone click>
 

otterpop

Cyburbian
Messages
6,655
Points
28
Welcome to my world, we just don't limit the size of accessory buildings since theys always bigger'n the house.
{Sarcasm On}Yeah because it is LOGICAL to have ACCESSORY uses take up more area than PRIMARY uses{Sarcasm Off} :r:
When I worked in Alaska, it was common for accessory buildings to be larger than the dwellings, because a lot of people sunk a lot of money into a really big fishing boat and you needed to protect your investment.
 

Seabishop

Cyburbian
Messages
3,838
Points
25
A man called asking for info on a retail property. I assume he is a developer. He then lets on that he is charged with defecating on the grounds of the property after an argument with the manager and wants to get info on the site before his court date. (I am outraged by the lack of a smiling poop emoticon on this site!)

The person is well known to the community as a trouble maker and is not a homeless person without any choice.
 

kjel

Super Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
12,384
Points
39
Someone called and asked me if I could tell them Mr. So-and-So was dead. I explained that we were the community development office and that wasn't one of the services we provide.
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
28,266
Points
71
Leonard the Duck

Them: Can I raise ducks at my house?
Me: No. Ducks are defined as 'livestock' by city code.
Them: You don't understand, this duck is a pet. His name is 'Leonard', he lives inside and wears a diaper.....
 

AG74683

Cyburbian
Messages
7,004
Points
37
Them: Can I raise ducks at my house?
Me: No. Ducks are defined as 'livestock' by city code.
Them: You don't understand, this duck is a pet. His name is 'Leonard', he lives inside and wears a diaper.....
Man, don't be so quick to dismiss this idea! Here is Daniel the Duck.
 

MD Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
2,326
Points
34
Daniel the Duck is awesome! I'd rather have him and many of his buddies on a flight with me instead of the complete assholes I experienced on my recent vacation.
 

TOFB

Cyburbian
Messages
2,431
Points
29
Just today - -

Caller - please tell me what you know about the VA opening a clinic at (address of about a 3000 sq ft storefront zoned commercial) in the fall of 2018.

Me - I haven't heard anything

Caller - I don't believe you

Me - I would tell you if I knew anything

Caller - you are lying

Me - Good day, sir > click <
 

Gedunker

Moderating
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
11,391
Points
39
A recent voice mail:

Caller: F*ck!! She gave me the wrong extension!! CLICK!

:r:
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,313
Points
44
Caller to me yesterday with a code enforcement complaint: "And another thing: they're dealing drugs up there. I have a concealed carry permit (that's my right, ya know), and I'm a retired RN. I'll shoot 'em, bandage 'em, and wait for the authorities."
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,313
Points
44
Last week a woman left four voicemail messages with builders services. The calls started at 2:30 a.m. Some of the comments she left:

This is public corruption.
I'm contacting the Department of Justice in Washington
I'm contacting the 20/20 Show, Dr. Phil, and ACLU.
Dixie Mafia.
I was falsely arrested, kidnapped, and held hostage.
I'm calling the Attorney General, Gov. Scott, and the FBI.
If this fraud occurred in Atlanta, you'd all be in jail.
The 1st Baptist told my husband to build this house and he paid too much for it.
They fleeced my husband.
Communists.
Unethical judge.
Worse than the Bill Cosby case.
Inbred GOBs.
My husband was drugged up and chasing rabbits.
I'm going to the Dallas office of the FBI.


Why the rant you ask? Her 13-year old roof is leaking.
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,313
Points
44
Today's call

Caller: Your voice sounds familiar. Did I talk to you before I had my last nervous breakdown?

:lmao: :h:
 

giff57

Corn Burning Fool
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
5,436
Points
33
Your sewer plant smells like poop

Front Desk: "will you talk to a lady that is complaining that the wastewater plant smells"

Me: "Umm that seems natural to me"

Front Desk: "I tried that, she wants to talk to someone IN CHARGE"

Me: "ugg ok"

BEEEPPP

Me: "this is Dan, how may I help you?"

Lady: "The sewer plant smells like poop!"

Me: " Yes, that makes sense, doesn't it always smell?"

Lady: No, it's much worse, I wanted to speak with the person in charge

Me: Well, I am in charge of everything, so....

Lady: Ok, Is there something you can do to make it smell better?

My sub-conscience: Visualize a helicopter dropping a giant urinal cake into the plant.

Me: No, not really.

Lady: How long do you think this will last?

Me: I have no idea, we are upgrading the facility, but I cannot say the smell will improve.

Lady: it was never this bad before.

Me: Sorry, I do not have the answer you are looking for.

Lady: Could I ask the guy in charge of the plant?

Me: After contemplating transferring her call to the plant for entertainment purposes " No, I don't think anyone is available out there to answer you questions."

Lady: "Ok thank you for listening to me."

Me: you are welcome have a good day.


'
 

DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
14,649
Points
51
Related comment from a Planning Commissioner in support of his developer/friends plat. "Everybody loves lagoons." We use that line often around here.

Front Desk: "will you talk to a lady that is complaining that the wastewater plant smells"

Me: "Umm that seems natural to me"

Front Desk: "I tried that, she wants to talk to someone IN CHARGE"

Me: "ugg ok"

BEEEPPP

Me: "this is Dan, how may I help you?"

Lady: "The sewer plant smells like poop!"

Me: " Yes, that makes sense, doesn't it always smell?"

Lady: No, it's much worse, I wanted to speak with the person in charge

Me: Well, I am in charge of everything, so....

Lady: Ok, Is there something you can do to make it smell better?

My sub-conscience: Visualize a helicopter dropping a giant urinal cake into the plant.

Me: No, not really.

Lady: How long do you think this will last?

Me: I have no idea, we are upgrading the facility, but I cannot say the smell will improve.

Lady: it was never this bad before.

Me: Sorry, I do not have the answer you are looking for.

Lady: Could I ask the guy in charge of the plant?

Me: After contemplating transferring her call to the plant for entertainment purposes " No, I don't think anyone is available out there to answer you questions."

Lady: "Ok thank you for listening to me."

Me: you are welcome have a good day.


'
 

Habanero

Cyburbian
Messages
3,241
Points
27
Caller: I need to know why it's taking the city so long to build a Starbucks and I need you to call me back and tell me when you are going to go ahead and build it.

Mondays are the worst.
 

Bubba

Cyburbian
Messages
5,289
Points
34
Caller: I need to know why it's taking the city so long to build a Starbucks and I need you to call me back and tell me when you are going to go ahead and build it.

Mondays are the worst.
Hey, they just want their coffee - is that so wrong? :p
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
12,845
Points
51
Why can't you build a chick-fil-A? Give them a call and tell them it would be good.



(We ain't getting one. We don't fit their demographic)
 

Habanero

Cyburbian
Messages
3,241
Points
27
Why can't you build a chick-fil-A? Give them a call and tell them it would be good.



(We ain't getting one. We don't fit their demographic)
I have seen a petition for one of those.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

AG74683

Cyburbian
Messages
7,004
Points
37
Why can't you build a chick-fil-A? Give them a call and tell them it would be good.
(We ain't getting one. We don't fit their demographic)
Do they even have a demographic anymore? There are really two types of people on this planet. 1) Those who love Chick Fil A, 2) Those who are wrong.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
12,845
Points
51
This morning's phone call:

Caller: I want to know what I need to do to get the historic grant.
Me: Do you something like a historic building grant or something else? However we do not offer a historic grant.
Caller: Well I know the __________ got one when they redid the old building that was a originally a livery stable. There was an old livery stable on my property. I keep finding horse shoes and nails. Mr. Zebadiah Yount built it originally and we bought the land from the people that bought it from him. Those people built the house we're living in on.
Me: As far as I know ________did not get a grant like that (I worked with the owner of that project & knew of nothing like that). However you said you live in the house where the livery stable was on your property?
Caller: Yes, Thats right. The livery stable is gone but we still find horse shoes and nails.
Me: So if the livery stable is gone, what is the grant for?
Caller: The property is historical. (I then got a run down of what she knew of the history of the property)
Me: (I knew this was futile, so) Oh okay, you might want to talk to Mr _______ at the county historical museum.
Caller: Thank you 'click'
Me: 'click' WHEW!
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
18,540
Points
69
Me: first planning jib, doing mostly current planning and zoning administration stuff.

The place: a growing city in New Mexico in the early 1990s.

Day 1.

Caller: Yeah, I live at [some address]. I just moved here to the East Mesa from Socorro, and I want to build a barn and have some cockfights every once in a while tambien. Can I do that?

Me (trung to take the call seriously): Well, cockfighting is banned everywhere in the county. Even if it was allowed, you couldn't do it; it's a business in a residential zoning district that violates our home occupation regulations. You can't conduct any kind of home business that will require customers to visit your house, you can't have a business that will generate traffic and on-street parking demand at an intensity not normally expected in a residential neighborhood, you can't have visible evidence of the venue from adjacent properties, and you can't conduct a business in an outbuilding, Even then, you can't have chickens and roosters in an R-2 district.

Caller: Even if they park in my yard?

Me: Even if they park in your yard.

Caller: Chingar! Okay, man. Thanks anyhow.

Day 2:

Caller: Hey, man, I called yesterday about the cockfights and the barn tambien.

Me: Oh yeah! I remember that. What can I do for you today?

Caller: Is having dogfights okay?

Me:

startrek-picard-facepalm-700x341.jpg
 
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