How would you abuse god-like powers?

[Dan]

* Clear Virgen de Guadalupe sightings in the worst places - landfills, feedlots, public restrooms at Mexican gas stations, etc.

* Strange weather patterns - snow in Orlando in summer, tropical days in a Buffalo February, monsoon-like rain in Phoenix, and so on.

* Bad reception of Christian radio stations in the US, ensuring that atmospheric conditions cause French all-techno-and-sex-sound format stations to bleed through at the worst moments.

* Making life very interesting for those who tormented me in elementary school - near-miss lightning strikes, cable dies before every Sopranos episode, Kazaa stops downloading at 99%, and so on.

* Strike down the entire population of a small city with the Portuguese Belching Flu for a day.

* Weekly World News-like events, like making fires form Devil and Elvis-shaped flumes of smoke.

* Lots and lots of near-miss lightning strikes at Bob Jones University, Focus on the Family, and similar institutions.

* An apparation of Mohammed descends upon the Ka'abah during Haj. Mohammead tells the crowd to cool it with the "Death to America" rallies, says it's okay for women to drive and vote in Saudi Arabia, tells folks that dogs aren't dirty creatures, describes the hell that awaits suicide bombers, and then pops open an ice cold Bud.

* Swipe all the Virgin Mary statues from front lawn creches in suburban Buffalo, and replace them with miniature Big Boys and Muffler Men.

What would you do?

 

[Cardinal]

You set the bar high, Dan, but I will give it a shot.

-- Lightening strikes for Pacific Lumber, its executives, and any of its emplyees who fires up a chainsaw on the Freshwater Creek redwoods. (This one's for you, Remedy.)

-- Hoover Dam? Gone. Glen Canyon Dam? Never happened.

-- I don't care how long the drive, nobody passes me and everyone gets out of my way.

-- The Diet Coke bottle beside my desk is always full, and always cold.

-- I'd convince the religious right that Ed Begley is the Messiah. Then, once they have all become hemp-wearing, solar car-driving vegetarians, I'd cruise on by in a Canyonero and pelt them with raw meat.

Hmmm... Seems to me I can do better.

 

[Chet]

Spanish colonialism would have won out over France and Britain. Que Pasa?

Japan would be known for low quality automobiles (think Yugo) and their populace would eat with sporks.

Fidel Castro would have the same world standing as, say, David Koresh.

 

[Jen]

BIG STUFF
I would speed up continental drift

reignite inactive volcanoes

have a really big meteor whoosh right by earth and scare the inhabitants into everlasting unity.

Fool around with gravity

LITTLE STUFF

make it impossible for human hair to be cut

make it impossible to turn OFF the TV

Run only Lawrence Welk reruns on TV

There would only be school busses to drive and no carpooling.

 

[Cardinal]

John Ashcroft is named to the 'best dressed' list, refers to W and the White House staff as 'family,' develops a lisp and has a penchant for using the word 'fabulous.'

 

[nerudite]

Chocolate would be lowfat and healthy... and brussels sprouts would be chock full of empty calories.

 

[Cardinal]

Chocolate would be lowfat and healthy... and brussels sprouts would be chock full of empty calories.

Belgium is one of the countries opposed to doing anything about Iraq. They are called 'liberty sprouts.'

 

[SkeLeton]

Let's see what could be fun if I had god-like powers?
- Spawn antrax and mustard gas into Saddam's bedroom while he sleeps
- After all this time, make Fidel Castro's lungs cancerous, and let him die
- Turn around the earth... just to fool around
- Make believe to the Islamists that the true god is the christian one, and vice versa

I think I'd just fool around... just for the heck of it

 

[Downtown]

Hmmm.... did someone see a preview for Bruce Almighty ?

- Mysteriously and slowly dry up the oil supply, causing governments to speed up fuel cell technology ( and make my Plug Power stock worth something again).

- cast the zebra mussels out of the Great and Finger Lakes (a la St. Patrick)


I'll think of more later.

 

[Zoning Goddess]

Remove every condo from the Florida coastline.

Put some mountains in Florida.

Make the U.S. a snake-free/roach-free zone.

Clothes will never need ironing.

 

[Habanero]

Only little things:

*Everyday is a good hair day
*Easier to get a divorce, harder to get married
*All shoes and clothes come in tall people sizes, for the amazons, like me. Also, make clothes to fit the smaller people too- I'm sure having every pair of pants too long is a b*#ch as well.
*No razor burn
*No mosquitoes or chiggers
*Cows are smart
*Cats and dogs clean up their own doo
*Dogs dont have a "puppy" phase
*Cars run on compressed air, no need for oil.
*Bad drivers get to drive the tic tac cars, to make them appreciate life.
*No screaming children at Target
*Houses come with a beer tap right next to the water tap in the kitchen.
*I get the snapping power of Mary Poppins so I never have to clean again.

 

[SGB]

1) I would teleport to and from work, as opposed to driving the 65 miles each way.

2) I would create agri-wildlife districts by "relocating" existing subdivisions and hobby farms. Permitted uses would be limited to organic agricultural practices, and undeveloped open space.

3) Potty training for toddlers would be a one step & immediate process. As soon as a toddler says some variant of "I don't want to wear diapers anymore," - POOF - they're done!

 

[Repo Man]

I'd rig the powerball lottery so I could quit work.

 

[jmf]

3) Potty training for toddlers would be a one step & immediate process. As soon as a toddler says some variant of "I don't want to wear diapers anymore," - POOF - they're done!

I don't think you are going far enough on this one. How about they arrive potty-trained!!

 

[Cardinal]

*Cows are smart

Cows are smart. They only play dumb so that humans do not figure out their plan for world domination.

*Houses come with a beer tap right next to the water tap in the kitchen.

I am sure this is in the code book in most Wisconsin communities.

 

[Downtown]

*All shoes and clothes come in tall people sizes, for the amazons, like me. Also, make clothes to fit the smaller people too- I'm sure having every pair of pants too long is a b*#ch as well.

You are indeed a benevolent god(dess)! We little people thank you!

 

[el Guapo]

I’d punish evil and promote good.

I’d come out and tell everyone if there really is a God. I’d provide positive proof of existence and a copy of his agenda written in simple text. Even knowing of God’s existence there would still be people that would lie, cheat, steal and sin knowing full well God exists and he has rules. Thus, hell would not end up under utilized and exothermic.

I'd let all politicians get a vision of what the world would look like if their ideas and platforms were adopted. Then I would pay for their resulting therapy.

Barbra Stiessand and all limo leftist liberals would have to live twenty years as working stiff and let them see how liberal policies destroy poor working families.

All way-Right Wing compassionless nuts would have to live 20 years as a working stiff without health insurance for their kids.

I'd reincarnate some terrorists and go medieval on them as only the Almighty God could.

All people would live to their potential - except the evil ones.

I’d keep children from harm.

I’d start a history channel that was 100% dead on accurate.

I’d have a website about everything. I’d have the perfect search engine.

I’d make the concept of race drop from the human mind. Of course, you people would find something else to bitch about.

I’d have one of those bartender soda wands at each table in restaurants.

Cigarettes would extend your life and smell Oh’ so good.

We’d all get Volvo SUV’s powered by happy thoughts. That way the grumpy have to stay at home and road rage puts your ass in reverse.

 

[Chet]

Pat Robertson and Strom Thurmond would be the co-founderrs of ActUP

 

[Trail Nazi]

I'd make student loans be forgiven for everyone.

Clean up the coast along Florida.

Politicians would be good and actually represent the people who elected them.

Stay-at-homes moms/or dads would get a nice stipen.

Large tracts of pristine land would be set aside for wildlife preserves/parks.

The work week would only be 4 days.

Cellulite would not exist.

And agreeing with the Zoning Goddess, the US would be a snake/roach free place.

 

[The Irish One]

give earth an extra moon

everybody's brain would be equipped with a biological universal translator.

cleveland national forest would extend to the San Diego coast - preserving an incredible landscape.

 

[nerudite]

Mosquitoes would only come out during the most terrible days in winter when nobody wants to be outside anyway.

 

[nerudite]

We’d all get Volvo SUV’s powered by happy thoughts. That way the grumpy have to stay at home and road rage puts your ass in reverse.

LOL... what a concept! I wouldn't even want to think of the chaos in Los Angeles... People driving down the freeway backwards.

 

[Seabishop]

People would no longer be required to go to the bathroom. Instead the human body would emit a pleasant strawberry-like smell as waste. This would save millions in 3rd world countries who would be spared from diseases.

I could raise my family in "the city" without expensive private school, or gang-ridden public school.

Nations would settle disputes not through war but through breakdancing contests. (I hope you're reading this GW!)

It would be against the law to think the mafia is cool.

People wouldn't have to hear the same 10 songs on the radio over and over and over.

France and the US could switch urban environments. We deserve Paris and they deserve Long Island, damn it!

The world wouldn't need a planning profession because people would naturally build things that benefit them and the community.