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I asked and she answered . . .

Gedunker

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Here's the set-up:

My 6 yr old son accidentally locked himself in the bathroom last night. Having foreseen the possibility, I was ready and instructed him to use a small step stool to get better leverage on the lock and unhinge it. Worked like a charm.

After coming home from a long and difficult meeting, the following conversation took place.

Gedunker: Were you here when junior locked himself in the bathroom?
Mrs. Gedunker: That lock is sticking.
Gedunker: That isn't what I asked you.
Mrs. Gedunker: It must have gotten twisted or something.

This is but one recent example where I have asked my wife a question and gotten an answer related to the question, but not answering the question. |-)

So, Cyburbianites, is this the root of the male-female disconnect. Your thoughts, please.
 
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Perhaps the Mrs. felt you were asking the obvious so she decided to get to the root of the issue - the faulty door lock.
 

mendelman

Unfrozen Caveman Planner
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I don't know if your exchange is emblmatic of male/female interactive disconnect.

Maybe she is just tired of your stupid, annoying, nit-picky questions! ;-)
 
Last edited:

Gedunker

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mendelman said:
Maybe she is just tired of your stupid, annoying, nit-picky questions! ;-)
Well, we have been married for ten years;-)
 

michaelskis

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NOOOOOOOO

Your going to hurt your self!!! Trying to understand the communication problems between the male and female genders is like trying to understand things like Space, Time, Michael Jackson’s Color, and Gods.

I have had this happen to me so many times. I once asked a woman if she watched a TV show, and she started talking about a song that she wanted to find…

*my mind was saying “what the @#$% is she talking about” but my voice said, yea that is a great song, but did you see the show?

It took 35 minutes of talking before she finally let on that she had watched it, and the song in question was playing on another channel as she turned it during a commercial. She got mad at me because I did not understand what she was talking about right from the get go.
 

Seabishop

Cyburbian
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Its funny, I always have understood guys to be the bad communicators who grunt when asked questions and don't express their feelings.
 

Big Easy King

Cyburbian
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To avoid headaches, maybe you should take indirect answers to your direct questions as, "Yes" or "No." ;-) Women expect us to be direct with our answers, so why can't they be direct? Damn!
 
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A lot of times, answering a direct question with the "yes/no" options you have been offered is tantamount to "admitting guilt" when you don't feel you did anything wrong. It is what my husband calls a "how long have you been beating your wife?" type question. If you are given a multiple choice answer of "a. 10 years b. 5 years c. 1 year", picking any of those answers is damning. Most questions that are asked have an implied multiple choice set of answers and "No, I don't beat my wife -- I would NEVER beat my wife. I love her deeply" is not usually among them. Mrs. Gedunker probably "knows" where this is going, having been married to you for a while. One guess on my part (having never met you, but, hey, you asked): If she says "Yes", then you want to know why she wasn't watching the child close enough. If she says "No", then you want to know where in heck she was that YOUR child was left alone...etc. Now, I ask you, why on earth would you answer "a. 10 years b. 5 years... etc"? Even in a court of law they let you "take the 5th" or refuse to take the stand so as not to incriminate yourself.

In my marriage, it is true that a lot of times when my husband asks me a "how long have you been beating your wife?" type question, I do feel that the assumption of guilt is in error and he is part of the problem. Since he has asked me a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" question, my natural instinct is to Defend myself and point out that it isn't ALL on me, he is also a parent here and a member of this household and if he were meeting all of his obligations, then I would have never been put in this position because this situation could not have arisen. So don't try to blame me ("and when are you going to fix the lock? -- I have asked you to do so 15 times before!" -- and then we are off and running, repeating the same argument we have had for the last 5 years).

If you had asked her a more open-ended question, like "so, how did this happen?", that would have given her room to explain the whole situation -- her piece of it where maybe she wasn't paying enough attention because of some other crisis, your piece of it in that she asked you 27 times already to fix the door lock, the child's piece of it because children do have free will and do all kinds of things their parents never anticipated, and circumstances beyond anyone's control, of which no one is guilty at all. And then she might have felt heard and had no problem whatsoever admitting to guilt for her piece of it (but ONLY her piece of it, and NOT "the whole thing -- go to jail, directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200") and crying on your shoulder about what a bad mom she is and how afraid she was for the child, etc, whatever, and so forth, and also asked you to please fix the lock or call someone to do so because she never wants to face such a frightening and upsetting moment concerning her adored child ever again so long as she lives, her heart can't take the strain, and when you fixed the lock you would have been her Hero for Rescuing Her instead of Evil Incarnate for trying to convict her of a crime she didn't commit. Open-ended questions that do not imply guilt and do not 'set up' the person being asked are much more likely to get a direct answer and not be answered in a way that strikes the questioner as "evasive".

I guess you could say: The short answer is "Yes" -- this is the cause of a lot of the male-female communication issues, but with good reason and there are ways to avoid such issues.

Just my 2 cents.
 

michaelskis

Cyburbian
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Here is an idea when women as guys a question,

When she asks a yes/ no question: the answer is automatically “ Yes honey, (restate the question in statement form here.)”

Exceptions when you should change the yes to a NO! Are the following;

When they ask if they look fat,
When they ask if some other girl is better looking,
When they ask if you love someone, or something better that her…
And the most important, when they ask if you hate something of hers such as a cat, parents, or her cooking.
 
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michaelskis said:
Here is an idea when women as guys a question,

When she asks a yes/ no question: the answer is automatically “ Yes honey, (restate the question in statement form here.)”

Exceptions when you should change the yes to a NO! Are the following;

When they ask if they look fat,
When they ask if some other girl is better looking,
When they ask if you love someone, or something better that her…
And the most important, when they ask if you hate something of hers such as a cat, parents, or her cooking.
Did you get this out of some men's magazine? Women are a lot more evolved (at least women with stronger self-esteem) to know that those "no" answers are really lies. You can pretty much assume a follow-up questions will ensue after those "no" answers.
 

Maister

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Gedunker said:
Gedunker: Were you here when junior locked himself in the bathroom?
Mrs. Gedunker: That lock is sticking.
Gedunker: That isn't what I asked you.
Mrs. Gedunker: It must have gotten twisted or something.
A clear example of a preemptive strike here. She saw where you were going with it before you even opened your mouth and counterattacked by providing her defense before you were able to get the accusation off.......Gedunker - 0 Mrs. Gedunker - 1
 

Seabishop

Cyburbian
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Planderella said:
Did you get this out of some men's magazine? Women are a lot more evolved (at least women with stronger self-esteem) to know that those "no" answers are really lies. You can pretty much assume a follow-up questions will ensue after those "no" answers.
So women know when they really are fat? ;)
 

michaelskis

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Planderella said:
Women are a lot more evolved (at least women with stronger self-esteem) to know that those "no" answers are really lies. You can pretty much assume a follow-up questions will ensue after those "no" answers.
Follow up questions can be answered with:

WHAT??? No really I think (insert phase relating to question such as your cookies are terrific, or you cat is such a wonderful ball of fur and so on, then follow the phase with sweetie)!
 

ludes98

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Planderella said:
Did you get this out of some men's magazine? Women are a lot more evolved (at least women with stronger self-esteem) to know that those "no" answers are really lies. You can pretty much assume a follow-up questions will ensue after those "no" answers.
WRONG. We don't need a men's mag to tell us that questions like that are dangerous. You learn that from your father, or the hard way. No one said women didn't know men were lying when they say "no," but you can never say "yes" to those kinds of questions.
 

jordanb

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Those are loaded questions. You know when you get a question like that that you're in trouble no matter what.
 

Gedunker

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Maister said:
A clear example of a preemptive strike here. She saw where you were going with it before you even opened your mouth and counterattacked by providing her defense before you were able to get the accusation off.......Gedunker - 0 Mrs. Gedunker - 1
Maister: Naah, there wasn't any presumption of "guilt" here whatsoever and the question was not a leader to anything else. I worked a long, hard day and could not remember whether she was or was not there. We laughed about the situation and she complimented me for "quick thinking".

Planderella: The lock probably was knocked askew by my son when he went into the bathroom. Mrs. Gedunker had not been after me to fix it. :) (The door handle, yes, the lock, no.)

MZ: that's a lot of value for two cents :)

ludes98: I agree with you and Mike, to a point. I finally threw away an old, but very comfortable, pair of shoes recently. Mrs. Gedunker told me "thank goodness, I HATED those." It's not just a male thing -- there are things people just don't say to each other as a way to protect their feelings.
 

Planner Groupie

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Michele Zone said:
I guess you could say: The short answer is "Yes" -- this is the cause of a lot of the male-female communication issues, but with good reason and there are ways to avoid such issues.

Just my 2 cents.
I think the short answer would have been just fine

I have to agree with whoever said that the obvious answer was yes she was there and she was just trying to tell you what she thought had happened. I would suggest just asking "what happened" next time.
 

Gedunker

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Planner Groupie said:
I would suggest just asking "what happened" next time.
Maybe I should point out that she wasn't there when it occured. My son was not traumatized. There was no need to call the Fire Department.

The point of the thread being that she heard my question but the question triggered a different thought in her mind and hence her answer. This happens a lot.

But now I am clocking out for the long weekend. You all enjoy yourself, and remember: play nice.
 

giff57

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michaelskis said:
NOOOOOOOO

Your going to hurt your self!!! Trying to understand the communication problems between the male and female genders is like trying to understand things like Space, Time, Michael Jackson’s Color, and Gods.

It's like trying to understand a Stephen Hawking book
 
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Gedunker said:
The point of the thread being that she heard my question but the question triggered a different thought in her mind and hence her answer. This happens a lot.
Yes and I was saying basically the same thing except, on top of that, trying to add that if you can "hear" what is beneath the words or ask what is behind them, then real communication starts to happen. And it doesn't matter how long you have done this same toe-stomping dance and how ingrained these painful steps are, you *can* learn to do a new dance with this same person -- but first, your goal has to be to learn the new dance and NOT "prove I am right and justify my opinion that women are (insert whatever negative opinion you want) so I can feel okay about continuing to be in pain and possibly also continuing to hurt someone I love deeply and have made a lifelong commitment to".
 

otterpop

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I can relate. Communication is always a big issue with my wife and I. She is Colombian and I am an American (U.S.A.). When we first were married it was like "I Love Lucy" in reverse. She had to "a lot of 'splain' to do." It is better now, but sometimes she will say something and I am not sure if she mean what she said or the exact opposite. For a long time I was the only husband who could actually (truthfully) complain that "my wife doesn't understand me."
 
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otterpop said:
I can relate. Communication is always a big issue with my wife and I. She is Colombian and I am an American (U.S.A.). When we first were married it was like "I Love Lucy" in reverse. She had to "a lot of 'splain' to do." It is better now, but sometimes she will say something and I am not sure if she mean what she said or the exact opposite. For a long time I was the only husband who could actually (truthfully) complain that "my wife doesn't understand me."
My mom spoke no English when she met my dad and his German was so bad that she asked someone what language he was speaking. For years, they spoke "half in English, half in German". She used to read his love letters while sitting on the toilet because she would laugh so hard she would pee her pants. He would write it all out in English and then look things up word for word in a German-English dictionary, knowing nothing of proper German grammar. The only example I can remember anymore is that he would try to say "I can't wait to hold you in my arms again" and it would come out "You just wait until I get my hands on you again" (as if he were angry and planning on strangling her).

Then she learned English. Now they REALLY can't communicate, the romance is gone, and they can't stand each other. When she couldn't speak English they went out for dinner and dancing every week and left the kids with a sitter. Now that they can both speak English, no bridge can cross the Grand Canyon of their communication gap.

A friend of mine whose husband speaks English as a second language says she no longer tries to decipher and just says "I just don't have any idea what you are saying." They fight a lot less these days.
 

Jessie-J

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okokok, settle down, simmah.

This has to be settled once and for all.

There is NO formulaic way to answer women's questions. You have to take them as they come and the most important part is to be honest.
Yes, we ladies DO ask the loaded questions, but I've always learned that a man that can answer the question with some humor wins. Women have a lot more body issues to deal with than men do, and when a woman asks if she's fat, she just wants to know that you love her, if she is or isn't. If she says "Does this dress make me look fat?" Respond with something like "That dress makes me want to rip it off of you and..." get the idea? You don't have to answer the question directly...just know the root of the question.

If she is asking if you think the blonde accross the room is pretty, tell her the truth, but then coninue with something that makes your woman feel more special than the blonde... "Yes, she's cute, but her smile isn't nearly as beautiful as yours." Girls like to compare, but as long as the points come to us, I think most of us can be comfortable with that.

These questions, however, all rise out of insecurities that have stemmed from something, one way or another. You could avoid these altogether by making her feel like she's number 1, all the time. Don't give her a reason to think you're staring at the blonde, or that you might think she's too fat. And if you DO think she's too fat, start suggesting walks or work out together or something....there's always a way to approach a tender topic subtly and still win.

Gedunker: translation of that conversation:


Gedunker: Were you here when junior locked himself in the bathroom?
Mrs. Gedunker: That lock is sticking.(he didn't lock himself in the bathroom, the lock sticks)
Gedunker: That isn't what I asked you.
Mrs. Gedunker: It must have gotten twisted or something.(we should get that fixed)


Happy Valentines Day to everyone!
hahahahahah
 

el Guapo

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Funny, my wife's fouth language is English and I have never known anyone in my life I was more in tune with. We can communicate a great deal with just eye movements. It is great. I value our friendship and deep level of communication. Her English is far better than my Bengali. Although I can order Orange Chairs in Bengali now.

We also have our occassional disconnects. Mostly about when to discuss finances. After 10:00 pm, and right after I nod off is not the time to shake me and begin a long discussion about our retirement planning options.

Women do have a vastly different kind of logic wiring in their brains?
 
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