You know your from Texas if:
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
You can make instant sun tea...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance...
Hot water now comes out of both taps...
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you step outside... at 7:30 a.m. before work...
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...
You choose a brand of Mexican salsa with the same care that another might use to select a bottle of fine wine
The Blue Book value on your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
You can tell a rock from an armadillo at 300 yards.
You're disappointed when a food doesn't come in spicy flavor.
You measure distance in minutes.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same hour.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "gin' Awl-Martin" or off to "Wally World." Sams Law
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
You recognize that beans and cornbread is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.
Fixinto” is one word.
You know you're from Houston if:
1. You're on your way to work one FEBRUARY morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses with riders and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat.
2. The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
3. If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or soon, an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up, and your dog and cat are out of luck if you go to the latter - nothing as mundane as pet food there).
4. You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
5. You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware - and stored it in the oven. Or your friend has a Roach Story - about a dive bomber who crashed her formal dinner party, made several passes at guests whose heads were bobbing like little dogs in car windows, and finally landed in somebody's soup.
6. When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed.
7. The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver.
8. "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.
9. You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.
10. You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue-tailed norther" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
13. You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two hand- holding cross dressers on roller blades.
14. The "Killer Bees" are not stinging insects, but rather members of the Houston Astros.
15. You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window shop. (You can't afford to buy because the prices are jacked up for all the foreign tourists.)
16. You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
17. You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
18. For a Chili Cookoff, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped (not ground)- beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes.
19. Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
20. Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
21. You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits (during rush hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD).
22. You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under construction, and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
23. If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a GOOD hair day.
24. You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.
25. The Dream" is not a fantasy.
26. The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
27. A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
28. You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.
29. You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."
30. You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and SCREAMS, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
Rules of Houston:
You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Ewe-stun", not "Huestun." Oh yea, it is pronounced "San Phil-a-pee," not "San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!!!."
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. *THIS IS NOT A JOKE EITHER*
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else.This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
You know you're from San Antonio if:
You lost your virginity at mission drive-in
You know exactly how to get to the "Ghost Tracks" from anywhere in town.
You think "pro-choice" means flour or corn tortillas.
You've never been to the Alamo.
You think a health drink is a Margarita without salt.
You think being able to read the Taco Cabana menu makes you bilingual.
You used to live in a neighborhood you wouldn't even drive through now.
There has been a road crew on your street since before the Alamodome was built.
You remember when Crossroads Mall used to be called Wonderland.
You've been to Midget Mansion.
You know all about the "Dancing Diablo" and the "Donkey Lady" bridge.
You know that Wheatley and Brackenridge is the same school.
You remember the Captain Gus show.
Your subwoofer has twice the value of your car.
You have three rodeo outfits but never have been on a horse
You're an expert with the brake pedal, but you have no idea what a blinker is.
Your idea of culture is wearing a Hard Rock T-shirt.
You think the last supper was at Mi Tierra restaurant.
You do your grocery shopping at a flea market.
You think local politicians are crooks, but you still do not vote.
You have a "Selena Lives" bumper sticker on your car.
You care if San Antonio is in the "national spotlight".
A formal occasion is getting a glass with your longneck.
You believe Tacos, barbecue, tequilla, and beer are the four basic food groups.
You rented Pulp Fiction to escape the everyday violence of the city.
You think wearing bows in your hair will get you a husband.
Your White mother learned how to make Tamales & Menudo from your neighbors.
You know the "real" definition of FIESTA is "stay home if at all possible".
You have ordered Mexican food at a Chinese restaurant.
You had breakfast tacos at Taco Cabana on Christmas morning.
You remember the Joske's Christmas display.
You remember when JC Penney's had a restaurant.
You remember hamburgers from Whopper Burger.
You're elementary field trip was to the Butter Crust Bakery.