• Back at the office or school? Still working from home? Need to vent, or just connect with other planner and built environment types? Come join us!

    Cyburbia is a friendly big tent, where we share our experiences and thoughts about urban planning practice, planning adjacent topics, and whatever else comes to mind. No ads, no spam, no social distancing or masks required.

Family 👪 Should husband pay more attention to the wife as the mother of the children, or his own mom?

wife or MIL

  • Wife/mother of children

    Votes: 9 33.3%
  • His Mom

    Votes: 5 18.5%
  • Both (wife's Mom too)

    Votes: 1 3.7%
  • It's all about you, sweetheart, isn't it

    Votes: 1 3.7%
  • Boys never let go of their Mama, but there's therapy

    Votes: 1 3.7%
  • Another sucker for a Hallmark holiday

    Votes: 3 11.1%
  • Go play with the kids, who cares

    Votes: 1 3.7%
  • String him up, wtf

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • #firstworldproblems

    Votes: 2 7.4%
  • So why did you order a stand down at Benghazi?

    Votes: 2 7.4%
  • Other more thoughtful answer

    Votes: 2 7.4%

  • Total voters
    27
  • Poll closed .

Hink

OH....IO
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
16,382
Points
59
I love my wife, and she is the mother of my children, but she isn't my mother. If you are going to pretend like mother's day is a needed holiday, then my kids should be the ones thanking her. I am not a fan of the mothers or fathers day stuff. I usually buy both flowers and a card though. Because I am sure not everyone shares my views...;)
 

mendelman

Unfrozen Caveman Planner
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
15,422
Points
60
Ditto Hink's reply. I make sure to help my boys get celebrate their mother, but I don't do mother's day for my wife. Though I do it for my mom.
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
29,915
Points
73
Great poll choices! LP never flinches from the tough questions, does she?

Mother's day is about honoring motherhood. Usually that means looking to one's own mother first, but accommodations should also be made to assist/accompany one's children in honoring their mother as well.
 

btrage

Cyburbian
Messages
6,427
Points
27
I put my wife above everything and everyone. At some point my parents will die and my children will move out, and she will be the only thing I have.
 

Big Owl

Cyburbian
Messages
2,838
Points
35
My children are 7 & 13 and both of them are independently doing something for my wife, their mother. I just assist with funding, logistics, and advice. My mother always plans something for my wife, the mother of her granddaughters. Typically, it is pictures of the girls. I appreciate that greatly. I assisted with those endeavors as needed and/or as requested. I go all out for my own mother, as she is my mother. She does a lot for me and this is a way that i can give her a little something back as she would not accept it any other way.
 

DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
15,501
Points
53
You know you can't win this battle. If you side with mom you're a heartless bastard, if you side with the wife you're unAmerican. In the end I go with the most current mom. Mothers of older kids (like me) get recognition, but I do everything I can to make sure mothers of younger kids (my wife) who might be stressed out all year long get recognition and a break. The kids make her things (I clean up-not her). I'm not big on buying gifts, but I did get her the iced tea jug she wanted (it's a secret). I also try to take the kids away for a while to give her a break, but I try to do that every week. It never seems to work out though.
 

NHPlanner

A shadow of my former self
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
10,131
Points
45
Wife 1st, my Mom 2nd, MIL 3rd.

It's the only safe way to play it.
 

ursus

Cyburbian, raised by Cyburbians
Messages
5,070
Points
25
I try to disappoint both my wife and my mother evenhandedly. Honestly, I voted wife first.
 

terraplnr

Cyburbian
Messages
2,438
Points
30
This is an easy answer because both mothers live far away so it's automatically me! :) It would be nice if we lived closer to them so I could do more than just send something, but it would make things more complicated.
 

otterpop

Cyburbian
Messages
6,655
Points
28
In the past I gave both my wife and my mother due consideration. My MIL lives on another continent and she isn't my mom anyway. This will be the first Mother's Day when I don't have a mom to call. :(

My son is an ungrateful little snot when it come to his mom, so Mother's Day is all on me. I get her two cards, one which he reluctantly signs under threat of torture and one from me. I'll take her to a nice lunch. I will give her money for her trip to see her mom this summer. She will complain I didn't give her enough money. I will get mad. It is our Mother's Day tradition.

Father's Day will roll around. Here again the ungrateful snot will give me nothing. My wife will give me clothes and take me to lunch. I won't have to cook. It is our Father's Day tradition.
 

SW MI Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
3,196
Points
27
One may consider it a "hallmark holiday", but I for one appreciate mothers day. I am by no means perfect but do all I can to do make sure the house and family runs smoothly, so a day to not have to worry about it and to be appreciated, is welcome. My fiance does a good job of this all year round, but the kids (9 and 11) by nature of their age sometimes take for granted that there is food in the house (and on the dinner table cooked and warm), clothes are clean and folded, and toilets cleaned. Conversely, I fully apreicate what he does for me and our family, and so we will celibrate it in June.

It's tough between spouses and your own mom, but adding an in-law into the mix is interesting. Last year fiance hung out at home with me even thought he thought his mom would be mad. I told him it was fine if he went out of town to see her, but I wanted to stay home with my own kiddo. He said he wanted to be with me. We sent his mom a card and called her, but she was mad he didn't come home to see her and wouldn't talk to him for two months. Whatever. But on top of that, if we would have gone to see her, my own mother would have been bothered that we went to see his mom, but not her. Sometimes you can't win for losing.
 

Seabishop

Cyburbian
Messages
3,833
Points
25
Wife 1st, my Mom 2nd, MIL 3rd.

It's the only safe way to play it.

Yes, gotta go with the wife first. For one thing she's the mother in your current family. And I think most guys would rather have their moms be angry at them then their wives.
 

otterpop

Cyburbian
Messages
6,655
Points
28
I put my wife above everything and everyone. At some point my parents will die and my children will move out, and she will be the only thing I have.

Btrage

Who does your wife put first: you or the kids?

My experience (my family growing up, my own and what I've observed in other relationships) is that mom trumps wife. I believe it is like that in most marriages, at least while the children are young. A husband understands this. Children need a lot of attention and upkeep. A husband, not as much. Sure, she has to keep an eye on both, to make sure they stay out of mischief. But hubby isn't likely to get a marble stuck up his nose or need his nose wiped.

A wife may divorce her husband but she will almost never "diivorce" her kids.
 

illinoisplanner

Cyburbian
Messages
5,334
Points
25
His mom. She brought him into this world, after all.

Additionally, I think the husband's mom typically is bound to feel more slighted and neglected most of the time anyways. A married man usually sees his wife every day, and can show his appreciation for her just about any day of the week in a multitude of ways, as well as many other days (Valentine's Day, Anniversary, Sweetest Day, Christmas, her birthday, etc.). His mom is lucky if she even gets a phone call or email or text from him once a week.

A man should definitely pay more attention to the woman that brought them into this world and raised him up right on "Mother's Day". Sure, the wife, as mother of the children, should be shown appreciation as well...but really, the kids should be doing that. Until a child is 8 or so, the man should also be helping the child celebrate his or her mom, but after that, the kids need to be more independent and on their own in celebrating their mom (with maybe some financial assistance from dad still...but the kids need to come up with their own ideas).
 

Midori

Cyburbian
Messages
751
Points
12
Am I the only wife/mom who thinks these holidays are ridiculous and doesn't expect a darned thing on them? Maybe we just never really observed them growing up... I suck at team playing when it comes to special events. They feel so arbitrary.
 

Zoning Goddess

Cyburbian
Messages
13,844
Points
39
We were just talking about this on the way home this evening. Every year, RJ asks if I mind if he plays golf on Mothers Day. Every year, I say no, not at all. And I don't. My mom died several years ago but I am still of the mindset that Mothers Day is about my mom, not me. Maybe because I have a birthday on or very near Mothers Day, so that's my day.
 

kjel

Super Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
12,617
Points
44
I try to disappoint both my wife and my mother evenhandedly. Honestly, I voted wife first.

My other half is like you but he'd vote wife too.

How it played out today:

Arrived home at 11:30pm from West Coast last night. Spent all day on a plane.
Woke up to a hysterically screaming baby trying to get to me after she woke up this morning.
RT dead asleep until 10am, comes out to the living room and gives me a gift of a nice bright pink cardigan.
The man figures out that he f*cked up by forgetting it's mother's day. Gives curt apology and left it at that.
RT goes back to bed.
Took the man and baby to Walmart to order his new eyeglasses, buy some groceries, get some gas and come home.
RT has sent me several nasty text messages saying I hurt her feelings and ruined Mother's Day because I told her I didn't want to go out to breakfast since we had no reservations and everything will be packed.
She left the house before we returned, wouldn't talk to me after that so the man called her, she went to NYC.
No lunch, no offer to help with cleaning or laundry.
RT comes home, presents me with a lovely (and much needed) handbag, still pissy and says I ruined all her plans.
Tried to go out for an early dinner, no luck.

So I'm making myself dinnr, listening to the baby scream, sorting laundry, and telling myself that we are going to skip this shit next year.
 

Suburb Repairman

moderator in moderation
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
7,449
Points
35
Not really an overdone holiday in my family. When I was younger, I had to come up with the idea for mother's day (something simple) and my dad would help me execute. It often involved making something for her garden.

We don't have kids yet, so there really isn't much complexity to it at this point. Both of our parents live less than an hour away and get along well, so in the past we've had my parents & her parents over to our house for a homecooked meal.

My brothers (who don't live nearby) usually call my mom on mother's day and mail some type of simple gift.
 

Veloise

Cyburbian
Messages
6,040
Points
36
For us singles, Feb 15 is a great holiday (50% off chocolates! leftover flowers!)

For us orphans who aren't parents, MD/FD is just another day. There are sometimes nice sales on various items designated for that parent ... I might look at microwaves
 

Big Owl

Cyburbian
Messages
2,838
Points
35
For us singles, Feb 15 is a great holiday (50% off chocolates! leftover flowers!)

For us orphans who aren't parents, MD/FD is just another day. There are sometimes nice sales on various items designated for that parent ... I might look at microwaves
Fathers day is a good time to buy tools. It's typically when I try to buy screw driver bit sets, drill bits, and socket sets if I need them.

I make sure that my kids remember their mother, my wife on mother's day. I typically finance their gift. As for my mother, my wife typically assist me in making sure that I honor her in a reasonable manor. She's more in tune with what my mother wants or needs than I am.
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
29,915
Points
73
Fathers day is a good time to buy tools. It's typically when I try to buy screw driver bit sets, drill bits, and socket sets if I need them.

I make sure that my kids remember their mother, my wife on mother's day. I typically finance their gift. As for my mother, my wife typically assist me in making sure that I honor her in a reasonable manor. She's more in tune with what my mother wants or needs than I am.
When my mother was alive, I too relied on my wife's guidance in the Mothers Day gift department.
 

The Terminator

Cyburbian
Messages
1,736
Points
25
What if your wife/mother has post partum depression and/or hates her husband and defers her right to gifts to your cat for "Cat Day" instead?

Would you buy your Kitty some nip or a toy, or get mom a gift anyway?
 
Top