Re: A pro-phat-see
El Guapo said:
APA will test market in select areas a secret commie planner handshake.
This item was not meant for public release. Watch yourself or some Anti-Imperialist Commie Planner (AICP) will be knocking on your door to haul you off for re-education.
The United States will discover a new country to its north, in an area previously thought to contain little more than moose and roving packs of wolves. Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme are the first US companies to open shop there. After installing a pro-US government, it is hoped that Donutopia will become a major trading partner.
The economy will continue to limp along. With poor advertising revenues, the major networks will demand relief from Congress, whose conservatives will respond whole-heartedly, ensuring American's constitutional right to quality television. Enriched with federal funds (and pleasing their new-found friends in Congress) TV executives will introduce many exciting new shows and rework some old favorites. Here are a few previews:
- McLaughlin will now be aired daily during prime time.
- ABC will premier a new show about the environment, dispelling myths about how drilling in the ANWR, driving SUVs and other gas-guzzlers, filling wetlands, and similar actions hurt the environment.
- On Will & Grace, Will and Jack both decide homosexuality is a sin and go straight. Grace converts to Christianity. Karen gives up drinking and does charity work.
- CBS will launch "Sa-Damn!", a show about the troubles of a kooky dictator in a third world country. It will bomb.
Relations between Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme and Tim Hortons deteriorate. Krispy Kreme shocks the world by siezing the Atlantic seaboard and announcing that it is a nuclear power. Dunkin Donuts consolidates its grip on the midwest and tests its own nuclear weapon. The UN Security Council holds a special meeting, but talks break down when a dozen cruellers are found on the French ambassodor.
This will be the year the Cubs win the World Series, defeating Montreal in seven games. However, each of the games will be mysteriously disrupted by a man dressed all in black and riding a horse. A number of plagues, floods, earthquakes and similar catastrophes break out at the same time.
A ticker-tape parade for the victorious Cubs turns ugly when a hail of stale donuts reigns down on the team, killing or injuring several players. Forensic analysis reveals that they are Tim Hortons, prompting Dunkin Donuts to launch a retailiatory strike and ignoring a secret pact with Krispy Kreme to divide the land to the north between them. World war three ensues.