So now what? Predictions for 2003

[PlannerGirl]

So now what?

Now that we have all made our resolutions, and many of them are already broken, what do you forsee happening in 2003?

Localy?
State/region?
National?

What will be the big news?

Take a gander at fortelling the future...

 

[Chet]

Locally we will have an election in April with only minor turnover. That will be a good thing.

Regionally we'll be wrestling with the partial closure of the metro areas' busiest freeway interchange, and the ripple effects it will have on the economy - especially downtown itself.
We'll also be dealing with Cronic Wasting Disease which will make West Nile look like a picnic lunch.

At the state level, how about a $2,000,000,000 (yes that's billions) budget shortfall? That's with our *new* Democratic Governor - a first in 16 years - and our *new* Republican controll of both houses of the legislature. Shaping up to be a doozie in Madison again...

Nationally, war with Iraq, standoff with North Korea, high gas prices all year, and at least 7 atlantic hurricanes.

 

[Jeff]

I predict WW3 will be the big news...it's coming soon I think.

Sadly, there will probably be some more terrorist activity as well...

 

[el Guapo]

A pro-phat-see

The future will bring a terrible, near-Biblical, epic plague of locusts, but they won't really be noticed by anyone outside of one county in Northwest Nebraska. They are the unlucky ones.

China will offer a collective sigh and then decide they would make much better capitalists if they toned down the whole Red commie vibe.

France will realize they are not germane to anything.

Ford Motor Company will introduce an electric Navigator. The down side is you will have to run a 40 lb, 30 foot long cable into your laundry room and plug it in to your dryer's 220 Volt outlet. Critics will decry it for getting only 12 miles a Megawatt.

ALF, ELF and Greenpeace will decide that Al Queda methods seem reasonable. Woody Harrelson will miss the Chrysler Building with his hijacked 747 because he was so very stoned.

George Bush will seek speech therapy from Jessie Jackson. American will be laughed at worldwide. CSPAN will open CSPAN 6 as a result, calling it the Comedy Channel for Government. Mark Russell will still not be allowed on because he is still not funny.

Michael Jackson will hit a 3-pointer with child number 2.

Volkswagen ads will still feature slightly rude young people, but they will add full frontal nudity. Unfortunately they will feature homely girls and geeky guys with skin conditions.

I will be ready for some football on Monday nights.

APA will test market in select areas a secret commie planner handshake.

The UN will unanimously censure the United States for the WB. They will say they hope the censure doesn't effect the good people working on Smallville.

North Korea and Cyburbia will sign the long awaited friendship treaty. Dan will have his pick of the feminine flowers of the DPRK.

Peter Jennings will go back to tortuously pronouncing the name of the eighth planet "your-en-essss" when it pops back in the news because of a gaff at presidential visit to NASA where the President suggests that the Russians couldn't find their...

Jesus will return and talk to a few people in Amish Country(tm) briefly.

Amy Grant will wear j-Lo's 2002 Grammy dress at the CMA's and thusly be booed from the stage.

 

[Habanero]

Re: A pro-phat-see

Amy Grant will wear j-Lo's 2002 Grammy dress at the CMA's and thusly be booed from the stage.

She doesn't need a hoochie dress to be booed!


WW3 perhaps. Bush chokes on another snack food. High gas prices. More flexing, and kissing, our muscles in the faces of other countries and playing pious to all who quesiton us.. that's about all I can predict.

 

[Dan]

The United States launches a military attack on Iraq. There are a few minor terrorist incidents in the US as a response from various groups; I see a few car bombs outside of shopping centers just after Thanksgiving, dramatically hurting holiday retail sales. Plans for very spectacular 9-11 type attacks will be thwarted by government agencies.

The US and North Korea continue their warming-again, cooling-again relationship. There is also little progress made on the Afghan front. Osama Bin Ladin remains at large. NPR introduces a new pronunciation for Al-Qeada ... "ah-KAHD."

Democrats use the economy and growing anti-American sentiment as weapons to push President Bush's approval ratings down. Democrats move further to the left.

Intel releases a 4.5 GHz Pentium processor.

Real estate prices will level out, but home prices will still be increasing in desirable inner city neighborhoods. Prices in suburban areas will drop a little but. Mortgage interest rates will increase to 6.5%.

HDTV sales get a dramatic boost as prices for new 16:9 sets fall below the $1,000 level. IBOC digital FM service in the US flops. Sirius satellite radio bites the dust; however, XM sales rise steadily as conventional FM radio gets even suckier.

People will be wondering whether Christina Aguliera really "did it" in her next video. Winona Ryder will appear nude in Playboy.

 

[Seabishop]

The US will begin offering statehood to any interested nation in the world - every central and south american country joins except Puerto Rico.

Hollywood will begin production of "Not in my Backyard" the Jane Jacobs story starring Judy Dench with James Woods as Robert Moses.

OJ will once again have little success finding the real killer.

My New Kids on the Block Tribute Band (the Right Stuff) takes off after we get a tougher looking Donny.

Rhode Island unleashes surprise attack on Connecticut making Delaware the smallest state.

 

[Cardinal]

Re: A pro-phat-see

APA will test market in select areas a secret commie planner handshake.

This item was not meant for public release. Watch yourself or some Anti-Imperialist Commie Planner (AICP) will be knocking on your door to haul you off for re-education.


The United States will discover a new country to its north, in an area previously thought to contain little more than moose and roving packs of wolves. Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme are the first US companies to open shop there. After installing a pro-US government, it is hoped that Donutopia will become a major trading partner.

The economy will continue to limp along. With poor advertising revenues, the major networks will demand relief from Congress, whose conservatives will respond whole-heartedly, ensuring American's constitutional right to quality television. Enriched with federal funds (and pleasing their new-found friends in Congress) TV executives will introduce many exciting new shows and rework some old favorites. Here are a few previews:
- McLaughlin will now be aired daily during prime time.
- ABC will premier a new show about the environment, dispelling myths about how drilling in the ANWR, driving SUVs and other gas-guzzlers, filling wetlands, and similar actions hurt the environment.
- On Will & Grace, Will and Jack both decide homosexuality is a sin and go straight. Grace converts to Christianity. Karen gives up drinking and does charity work.
- CBS will launch "Sa-Damn!", a show about the troubles of a kooky dictator in a third world country. It will bomb.

Relations between Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme and Tim Hortons deteriorate. Krispy Kreme shocks the world by siezing the Atlantic seaboard and announcing that it is a nuclear power. Dunkin Donuts consolidates its grip on the midwest and tests its own nuclear weapon. The UN Security Council holds a special meeting, but talks break down when a dozen cruellers are found on the French ambassodor.

This will be the year the Cubs win the World Series, defeating Montreal in seven games. However, each of the games will be mysteriously disrupted by a man dressed all in black and riding a horse. A number of plagues, floods, earthquakes and similar catastrophes break out at the same time.

A ticker-tape parade for the victorious Cubs turns ugly when a hail of stale donuts reigns down on the team, killing or injuring several players. Forensic analysis reveals that they are Tim Hortons, prompting Dunkin Donuts to launch a retailiatory strike and ignoring a secret pact with Krispy Kreme to divide the land to the north between them. World war three ensues.

 

[statler]

Re: Re: A pro-phat-see

Relations between Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme and Tim Hortons deteriorate. Krispy Kreme shocks the world by siezing the Atlantic seaboard and announcing that it is a nuclear power. Dunkin Donuts consolidates its grip on the midwest and tests its own nuclear weapon. The UN Security Council holds a special meeting, but talks break down when a dozen cruellers are found on the French ambassodor.

This will be the year the Cubs win the World Series, defeating Montreal in seven games. However, each of the games will be mysteriously disrupted by a man dressed all in black and riding a horse. A number of plagues, floods, earthquakes and similar catastrophes break out at the same time.

These two claims are ridiculous! Obviously Dunk's will control the east coast! Everybody knows that!

Also Cub's beat Montreal? That's insane! Everyone knows the Cubbies are going to lose to the Red Sox!

 

[Dan]

Re: Re: A pro-phat-see

This item was not meant for public release. Watch yourself or some Anti-Imperialist Commie Planner (AICP) will be knocking on your door to haul you off for re-education.

Bah. It's just the 1970s era handshake that we used back in elementary school, inorporating the normal and "soul brother" handshakes, mutual "gimme' fives," forearm bumping, flying wings, and a pantomined DeVuono-style toke. The only difference is the inclusion of the mutual "alternative lifestyle coochie-coo" after the soul brother thumb-tangle, and the handshake's conclusion by joining folded hands next to the middle finger, spreading your palms apart, and looking at the result.

If you're FAICP, you can do the handshake standing up while the other party must remain kneeling, after which the handshake is concluded with the utterance of "I'm not worthy" by the F-less AICP member. If you're a member of CNU, you may follow the handshake by the obvious application of an anti-bacterial hand cleaning gel. The CIP-ICU member may identify themselves by saying "thank you" after every move.

 

[Seabishop]

A few more predictions . . . because you need to know:

(2004) James Kunstler is elected president of the US based on his platform of “This country is a national automobile slum not worth fighting for!”

Local papers around the country print exposes about how town planner spends half of his/her time on Cyburbia website.

All regular Cyburbia users will meet for the first time at the national APA conference and be vaguely disappointed at how less intetesting and less attractive everyone seems to be in person.

“Hot Gravy!” becomes the “Boo-Ya!” of 2003, while “Baby, I’m Your Sailor Man” becomes the “Who Let the Dogs Out” of 2003.

The Red Sox will actually beat the Dodgers in 5 games to win the World Series

George Steinbrener retires after the Yankees come in dead last in the AL East, despite having a team which exactly mirrors the AL All Star Team. Derek Jeter also retires after learning he is no longer considered the most handsome man in baseball. In future years, attendance will be so low that owners move the team from New York to Vancouver.

 

[NHPlanner]

The Red Sox will actually beat the Dodgers in 5 games to win the World Series

George Steinbrener retires after the Yankees come in dead last in the AL East, despite having a team which exactly mirrors the AL All Star Team. Derek Jeter also retires after learning he is no longer considered the most handsome man in baseball. In future years, attendance will be so low that owners move the team from New York to Vancouver.

We can dream can't we?

 

[Seabishop]

We can dream can't we?

In a way I hope they never win because I think that if they do fans will burn the city down.

 

[SkeLeton]

There will be a war in Irak, just 3 seconds after the war ends, Hollywood will begin the production of a movie, starring The Camel Spider, Troy McLure and Sad Man Hussein. The climax of the movie will be when they enter the Baghdad palace and proceed to fight with Sad Man, all US soldiers use Matrix-like bullet dodging. Just as Sad Man proceed to escape on a jeep we see that the driver is Osama Been Laden himself, but due to the effects of opium smoking, crashes into a pet shop full of Camel Spiders.

Jim Carrey will do yet another movie starring his ass.

The first inteligent house will be built and demonstrated, their first inhabitants will be murdered a-la 2001.

After all 2003 will be the year of lunatics, not to mention that Clonaid will go comercially active and start a scavenger hunt for biological material and start cloning everybody. Afterwards you'll be allowed to buy your clone for a modest US$500 million. If not bought during the first month it will be transfered to the Raelian Martian Colony program and will be used for conquering Mars.

 

[Wannaplan?]

Re: A pro-phat-see

Michael Jackson will hit a 3-pointer with child number 2.

Not bad!! Can I borrow your crystal ball?!

 

[The Irish One]

Some where in the world, a nuke will explode on a lot of people.

starring ............ Troy McLure

Maybe in the next life, God willing.

 

[Chet]

Locally we will have an election in April with only minor turnover. That will be a good thing.

WOWZIE was I wrong on this one.

 

[Seabishop]

Re: Re: Re: A pro-phat-see

Also Cub's beat Montreal? That's insane! Everyone knows the Cubbies are going to lose to the Red Sox!

Wow, a year later that hurts, although Statler came pretty close.