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The NEVERENDING aging parents caretaking thread

Bubba

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Looks like we'll finally have my parents house ready to go on the market by the end of March - selling it "as is" (it's in really good shape overall, despite some dated interior areas - not a huge risk at all for potential buyers). Hoping for a fairly quick sale...it's probably going to be a race against the clock to get to the closing table before my mother passes on...
 

Veloise

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5,501
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27
Looks like we'll finally have my parents house ready to go on the market by the end of March - selling it "as is" (it's in really good shape overall, despite some dated interior areas - not a huge risk at all for potential buyers). Hoping for a fairly quick sale...it's probably going to be a race against the clock to get to the closing table before my mother passes on...
Get a POA document now. Towards the end we tried to have some documents signed, and pops couldn't see where the line was. You don't want to pressure your lookers/buyers or add drama to an agent relationship.
 

Bubba

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Get a POA document now. Towards the end we tried to have some documents signed, and pops couldn't see where the line was. You don't want to pressure your lookers/buyers or add drama to an agent relationship.
My sister (an attorney) locked that down a while ago. Mom has been well beyond the point of being able to sign (or understand) anything for months.
 

RandomPlanner

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When my FIL passed away, we had what we called "the reaping". Each kid got to pick something in the house that they wanted, one at a time, starting the first round with the oldest. Then second round, the second oldest started, and so on. Surprisingly it only lasted maybe 5 rounds total with the last round being spouses and grands allowed to pick. We had planned on hiring an estate sale company, then thought about running the estate sale ourselves. But with the family spread out all over the world, we decided to just send it all to auction so we could put the house up for sale quickly.

While I hadn't been in the family long, I thought it went fairly smoothly. Perhaps that's because my FIL was an @$$ so there wasn't a lot of sentimental attachment.
 

mendelman

Unfrozen Caveman Planner
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While I hadn't been in the family long, I thought it went fairly smoothly. Perhaps that's because my FIL was an @$$ so there wasn't a lot of sentimental attachment.
Hah.

I hear this alot.

He solved your guys' problem for you.

We will likely have to deal with my FIL and MIL estates before my Father's. It'll be interesting to deal with especially when we get to my MIL's estate, which has alot of the family photos and sentimental tchotchkes and a strained/bad relationship with my SIL who is the only sibling nearby.

Really, the family photos are the thing we're worried about as my wife is the primary family tree researcher. Even then, we're trying to at least scan as many as possible now.
 
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DVD

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13,235
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33
I consider myself lucky. My family is small, my wife's family is small. Pretty much all her family is already gone. Only her aunt and brother remain. None of which is something we have to deal with other than the sadness. My family is down to my mom and my brother - dad's out of the picture since I was 16. I suppose it will be hard to figure out what to do with mom's stuff, but I assume my brother and I will agree on selling the house. I just don't know if he has any personal attachments to any of the stuff. Maybe I'm selfish, I just want stuff like the hope chest and silver to pass on to my kids. My brother has no kids.
 

Bubba

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Looks like we'll finally have my parents house ready to go on the market by the end of March - selling it "as is" (it's in really good shape overall, despite some dated interior areas - not a huge risk at all for potential buyers). Hoping for a fairly quick sale...it's probably going to be a race against the clock to get to the closing table before my mother passes on...
...and she passed away last night. Honestly, it's a relief at this point - Alzheimer's just fucking sucks.
 

Gedunker

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Sorry for your loss Bubba. Alzheimer's is frightening - my SIL's mom passed from it in December and her mom hadnn't had any memory of her family for more than a decade. Just nasty.
 

Salmissra

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Sorry for your loss, Bubba. You're right, Alzheimer's does suck.

It took a long time for my Grandmother to succumb, and it was hard watching the woman wither away. I understand your feelings right now.
 

Hawkeye66

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402
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13
My mother is suffering from some form of Dementia. My step Dad and her don't seem to want to get a more specific diagnosis. He takes care of her, so I am not worried about that day to day. Its just a helpless feeling to watch your mother, who has a PHD in English Education, go through this. It has happened over a period of about 5 years. As long as my step dad is in decent health, its not a day to day care issue. We used to have long conversations, now she is just confused. Its like I lost her, but she is still here. Her parents died from heart attacks in their 70's. I used to think that heart disease had robbed them of life too soon, now I think they were the lucky ones.
 

Hawkeye66

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402
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Any advice on how to approach your mom and step dad about the fact that your mom's cognitive functions have slipped fairly considerably? Also, how to convince them to get more in depth testing, etc?
 

gtpeach

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1,937
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14
Any advice on how to approach your mom and step dad about the fact that your mom's cognitive functions have slipped fairly considerably? Also, how to convince them to get more in depth testing, etc?
That's just going to be a hard conversation. Anything concrete you can point to as concerns? Discuss plans with them on what they can do to prevent them? To the extent possible, the more you can help them process through the problems and challenges, the better off you're going to be.

I thought this article was fairly helpful - find ways to understand their concerns and speak to them compassionately and with understanding. https://www.livhome.com/blog/elderly-parent-refuses-help/
 

Bubba

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Any advice on how to approach your mom and step dad about the fact that your mom's cognitive functions have slipped fairly considerably? Also, how to convince them to get more in depth testing, etc?
  • Be polite, be respectful, but be firm.
  • Do it ASAP, but have some concrete recommendations for next steps.
  • PM me if you want to pick my brain with more specific questions - I have recent experience with this...
 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
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402
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13
That's just going to be a hard conversation. Anything concrete you can point to as concerns? Discuss plans with them on what they can do to prevent them? To the extent possible, the more you can help them process through the problems and challenges, the better off you're going to be.

I thought this article was fairly helpful - find ways to understand their concerns and speak to them compassionately and with understanding. https://www.livhome.com/blog/elderly-parent-refuses-help/
My aunts and uncle are worked up about this. My mom retired in 2009 or so. She was a teacher. During the last 3-5 years she really started slipping. It started off with some weird obsessions over things like mail delivery. Over the last few years, she has reached the point where she can't have a conversation really because she can't get the ideas from her brain to her mouth and gets confused. I am not sure what the exact point was, but I started dealing with my step dad exclusively on things probably 2 years ago. She has also gotten a lot more frail and small. She is 78. I am going to ask that she go to the memory clinic at a nearby hospital. I do think its possible that they know more but are not saying. Either way, it needs to get resolved.
 

Planit

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11,378
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33
Mom is 86, still works 2 days a week and is active. However anytime she comes and visits, I make sure to ask her stories about her growing up or when my brothers & I were little and things like that.

A friend of mine suggested I start doing that about 5 years ago because my brother and I saw some slipping going on. It has been good for 2 reasons. We get to actually see her trying to remember and gauge her actions but also some of the family history that has come out.
 

Hawkeye66

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402
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13
I would say that the conversation I had with them last night was not something I will remember fondly. You reach a point in your life, where its just you who has to handle something. There is no fall back. I gave them information on a couple of local clinics and asked that they get the GP referral to one of them. My mom is either in denial or really is not aware of how she is. How do you tell the person who read to you when you were a preschooler that their mind is going? Anyone have a guide for that? TGIF.
 

Bubba

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4,544
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I would say that the conversation I had with them last night was not something I will remember fondly. You reach a point in your life, where its just you who has to handle something. There is no fall back. I gave them information on a couple of local clinics and asked that they get the GP referral to one of them. My mom is either in denial or really is not aware of how she is. How do you tell the person who read to you when you were a preschooler that their mind is going? Anyone have a guide for that? TGIF.
Oh, man, sorry to hear that. I'm not sure there's a playbook for talking to your mom other than just being straight with her (your mind is slipping, here's some examples, we'd like to do x,y, and z to help you, please let us help you).
 

Gedunker

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I would say that the conversation I had with them last night was not something I will remember fondly. You reach a point in your life, where its just you who has to handle something. There is no fall back. I gave them information on a couple of local clinics and asked that they get the GP referral to one of them. My mom is either in denial or really is not aware of how she is. How do you tell the person who read to you when you were a preschooler that their mind is going? Anyone have a guide for that? TGIF.
See if there is a state agency - here it is called the Council on Aging and Aged (IIRC) - and get hold of them. Indiana has them in most counties and they can be very helpful with all kinds of resources and even better - contacts.
 

luckless pedestrian

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I am sorry Hawkeye - we had to explain to my mom why she couldn't live alone - I guess my advice is to be honest and firm but reassuring of how much you love her - also that you are not trying to tell her what to do, that your respect her as the adult in the room and that you hope you sees the situation as it is and will be agreeable
 
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