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The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

Hawkeye66

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Well I got the good ole "I wasn't feeling it text', but after she stewed on it for a week on a business trip. It just shows how hard it is to read these things (For me at least). I thought it went really well, she said she enjoyed the conversation. I told her I really enjoyed the date and it was my best one in some time, now she wants to think on it some more and get back to me later this week.
 

Maister

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...now she wants to think on it some more and get back to me later this week.
I'm sure you already realize that a decision like this shouldn't be that difficult or require that much deliberation. Chemistry does not appear to be there.
 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
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616
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22
I'm sure you already realize that a decision like this shouldn't be that difficult or require that much deliberation. Chemistry does not appear to be there.
Yes. The whole thing is a bit confusing. If it wasn't there for her, why agree to a 2nd date and wait 8 days to say it? But yeah, I am assuming this is going nowhere. Disappointing, but thats what a lot of this is. I would say I get one good prospect like this per year to year and a half.
 

AG74683

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7,093
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39
I'm sure you already realize that a decision like this shouldn't be that difficult or require that much deliberation. Chemistry does not appear to be there.
Yeah man, tell her to pound sand. Shouldn't take that long to decide. I should have done the same last week when girl wanted to "take a break".
 

Whose Yur Planner

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Well I got the good ole "I wasn't feeling it text', but after she stewed on it for a week on a business trip. It just shows how hard it is to read these things (For me at least). I thought it went really well, she said she enjoyed the conversation. I told her I really enjoyed the date and it was my best one in some time, now she wants to think on it some more and get back to me later this week.
I am sorry to hear that and it does suck. In my situation, we went to the fundraiser and met her pastor and a couple of church members. We then to a meeting for a guild that we are both a part of. Things went ok. I think we are still in the sorting things out stage. We're trying to make the transition from friends to something else.
 

Hawkeye66

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616
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I am sorry to hear that and it does suck. In my situation, we went to the fundraiser and met her pastor and a couple of church members. We then to a meeting for a guild that we are both a part of. Things went ok. I think we are still in the sorting things out stage. We're trying to make the transition from friends to something else.
You are further along than I was. Its just a struggle at middle age. I wish I could be in my 20's carefree about it all again.
 

kms

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I think that is true possibly. I wish she just would have said no to the 2nd date up front. Its gonna sting either way, its like ripping a bandage off.
Why is it like ripping a bandage off? I understand that you were disappointed, but you didn’t have much time invested in her and a relationship.
 

Hawkeye66

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616
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Why is it like ripping a bandage off? I understand that you were disappointed, but you didn’t have much time invested in her and a relationship.
The sting doesn't last long. No, I didnt have much invested, but she was the best prospect I had in some time.
 

Whose Yur Planner

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Ever wonder if someone really loved you or was just in it for the money and potential fringe benefits? I ran into the ex fiancé yesterday. I guess I got that question answered.:r::cursing::mad:I have to give her props. She fooled a cynic and did it well.
 

AG74683

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Ever wonder if someone really loved you or was just in it for the money and potential fringe benefits? I ran into the ex fiancé yesterday. I guess I got that question answered.:r::cursing::mad:I have to give her props. She fooled a cynic and did it well.
Aye yup. Last two girls I spent any time with were in it for exactly that.
 

Hawkeye66

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Its disappointing when a promising prospect doesn't pan out. I bet I maybe meet one of those every 18 months or so. 3 times in 5 years...yeah, thats about right.
 

Whose Yur Planner

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Treading back into the waters. When is it dating and at one point does it become a relationship? I woman I used to causally date and was a friend has come back into the picture. I don't know if we ever per se dated but we were closer about 5-6 years ago. We also kept in contact somewhat. With in the past month, the texting and calls have increased. We've got out to dinner 2-3 times and went to a 4th of July Celebration. She's started using the we word in conversation and have made semi plans for the future. I guess my question is at what point is it a relationship? I'm still a little gun shy after last year.
 

DVD

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That's the hard part. I always considered dating as going out once in a while (screwing around may or may not be included), but the important part is that dating to me is not monogamous. Granted I always was, but that's because I can only handle one at a time. I don't need the drama of dating two women.

Relationship, I was never good at this, but it becomes a commitment beyond the dating thing. I'm no longer looking at other options, but I'm not at the point of taking it further like moving in. I would say your friends recognize it more than you. They start addressing you as a couple, not just your girlfriend referring to we, one sided relationships don't work, but they do start that way so not a completely bad thing. Like I said, I was never good at this part. It either stayed at the dating phase and didn't last more than a month or it just kind of went from dating to relationship over night. Sometimes it works out great like high school girlfriend or wife, sometimes it works out bad like ex wife. All I can say is be smarter than me.
 

Whose Yur Planner

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I suppose it's an acknowledgement that something more than just two people who know it each other meeting for dinner. Friday was an impromptu meeting for dinner and lasted 2 1/2 hours. it also comes at the heels of me forgiving myself for what happened last year. Chalking it up as lessons learned and moving on. Things have also taken on a different vibe.
 
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DVD

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The best part, she is some kind of big shot publicity person. You want to hire her to do marketing and publicity stuff for your office? I'm not sure how big she really was, but she plays the part.
 
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AG74683

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Well I don't even know where to begin with my current situation. Against everyone's advice from the Random Thoughts thread, I continued on with my current relationship. Over the last 3-4 weeks the ex boyfriend has popped up, messaging her on various social media things. She kept telling me not to worry, she's just trying to get him to understand it's over, blah blah blah.

Last Friday I was notified by my front facing Arlo camera of movement. It was her walking out front to check the front door. She was on the phone. With him. I listened to the conversation for a while but it was awfully hard to hear. I went home and confronted her about it and she agreed to just flat out end contact with him. At some point in the night her phone lit up with a text from him, so I basically blew up. I told her it was him or me, and if she chose me we needed to block him on everything. She agreed, so we did. I did not block his phone number though because I didn't really know how.

Fast forward to last night. There that little weasel is AGAIN. Now I'm not snooping in her phone, it's pretty obvious when he text because his freaking name shows up on the lock screen. This time I was moving her phone off the charger and putting mine on it. This time I asked to see her phone, because she said "all I have to do is ask" over and over. She had deleted whatever message chain they had. She says she deletes everything from him when it comes in, but I have my doubts. I also discovered they talked on the phone yesterday for around 22 minutes. She said she's just trying to get rid of him. I said "how hard is it JUST NOT TO ANSWER THE PHONE?!". I blocked him on her phone and told her this is the last time. If I see him pop up again it's over.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about "gaslighting" and whether it exists. I believe it does now, because I think that's what she's doing to me. She continually makes ME feel like the bad guy for getting upset about this contact. Last night she chose to sleep on the couch. She brings up the horrible stuff I said about her in the past over and over again, even though I've apologized and said a thousand times it was just me being angry and not a word of it was really true. I really love this woman, but my patience with this whole thing is starting to run very thin. I really want to make this work, but I'm not sure if she does, despite her claims that she does love me and wants it to happen. Last night I had completely packed her bags and had them in her car ready to kick her out before I thought better of it.

The worst part of all of this, is the fact that I was relying on her being around in order for me to make this job switch. The shifts are 24 hours and I have no one else to watch my dog when I'm gone. Without her, everything is in jeopardy. Honestly, I'm fully expecting a text from her in the next half hour or so telling me she's done with it and when I get back to the house she'll be gone.
 

kms

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6,370
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39
You're in an unhealthy relationship. Again. And you're one of two people who can decide if you stay in an unhealthy relationship. You should consider working on discovering why you gravitate to unhealthy relationships, because you don't seem to learn from experience.

You don't trust her. You spy on her. By your own description, you've verbally abused her by insulting her and describing her as someone you wouldn't want to be with.

Do you love her, or do you love the idea of having a dog sitter?
 

Whose Yur Planner

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I agree with kms. Either she's with you or she is not. Trust in a relationship, especially in the beginning, is vital. If you can't trust your SO, it's not much of a relationship. Plus, you're burning time in a state of limbo.
 
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Hink

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I think as you get older you have to have more trust in your partner, as there are so many variables within relationships. Enjoying someone's company, having a lot in common, and even maybe sharing some months together is really great. Trying to force that to be something that it isn't is a gut thing that you know. It feels, after reading everything, that you know that.

I have a best friend who is still single at 36. He thinks he is terrible and that it is him. He tries so hard with his relationships to make something come out of them, because he feels like he should have by now. As a witness to all of the girls he has dated (some for many months), I haven't seen the one yet. I don't think it is him or the girl's he has dated for that matter, I just don't think it has been that connection that is needed.

Trust your gut. If you aren't getting butterflies, and are only dealing with communication issues now, when things really get tough, you aren't going to feel the support you need.

You know what you need to do. Follow your gut.
 

gtpeach

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2,082
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21
What are you getting out of this relationship that makes you want to hold onto it? You say you love her, what does that mean? This sounds a lot like a previous relationship I had, and it was completely unhealthy and codependent and abusive. I was enabling a lot of really problematic behaviors, and I was making myself responsible for his needs being met at the expense of my own mental, emotional, and physical health.

What are the benefits that are offsetting all of these problematic behaviors that keep you wanting to invest?
 

AG74683

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7,093
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39
You're in an unhealthy relationship. Again. And you're one of two people who can decide if you stay in an unhealthy relationship. You should consider working on discovering why you gravitate to unhealthy relationships, because you don't seem to learn from experience.

You don't trust her. You spy on her. By your own description, you've verbally abused her by insulting her and describing her as someone you wouldn't want to be with.

Do you love her, or do you love the idea of having a dog sitter?
The stuff I said was a text message to someone. It wasn't meant to ever be seen by her, and I felt horrible about it. I deleted everything the next morning because I just couldn't read it. It was in response to something she said.

I want to trust her, and I don't think that I'm at the point where I flat out don't. I generally trust that she's telling me the truth about her conversations with the guy (IE it's just trying to get him to understand they're over). But when I ask to please just not talk to him, I don't see how hard it is to just ignore a phone call?

As to why I want to continue the relationship, when things are going great, they are fantastic. We are almost the same person. We like the same things, we enjoy the same tv shows and movies, we both have the same goals in life (generally). I still see her as my forever person, but my eyes are starting to squint a bit now to see it rather than be wide open.
 

kms

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The stuff I said was a text message to someone. It wasn't meant to ever be seen by her, and I felt horrible about it. I deleted everything the next morning because I just couldn't read it. It was in response to something she said.

I want to trust her, and I don't think that I'm at the point where I flat out don't. I generally trust that she's telling me the truth about her conversations with the guy (IE it's just trying to get him to understand they're over). But when I ask to please just not talk to him, I don't see how hard it is to just ignore a phone call?

As to why I want to continue the relationship, when things are going great, they are fantastic. We are almost the same person. We like the same things, we enjoy the same tv shows and movies, we both have the same goals in life (generally). I still see her as my forever person, but my eyes are starting to squint a bit now to see it rather than be wide open.
Ask her to move back to her place and go back to dating her.

You move fast in relationships, and that's when boundaries become blurry. Dating is the time to get to know a person and to decide if you can move onto a more serious relationship.

Someone used the term "codependent". Maybe you should learn more about codependency. I recommend this based on other things you've told us.

Still, you said that the worst thing about your disagreement last night is that losing her will interfere with your upcoming career plans. That's selfish, and rather uncaring toward her. What's in it for her?
 

Veloise

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So you switch jobs and go work a 24. What does she do while you're gone, besides doggie care?

I don't know where you live, but it seems like there would be middle school or HS kids around who could do dog care. There are special locks that you can use to keep your property safe.

Speaking just for me, I would hate to be in a r'ship who was using me for career purposes (oh wait, BTDT, bailed). Or because my animal needed attention. (Same dude, said he was allergic to cats and I'd gotten a new kitten four months previously. She lasted nineteen years; I made the right choice.)
 

DVD

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51
Just end it. You're getting annoyed at her and she's obviously not done with the last guy. Kick her out. If you both want cheap meaningless sex than whatever, but it's not a relationship, it's just sex and she's not staying in the house and her other boyfriend is not your problem. If any of that is still a problem than this is a person you don't need in your life.

Also, never use the "it was never meant to be seen by others" line. Keep that stuff between you and yourself. Maybe a therapist if you have one, but never write it, text it, say it, or leave any kind of mark of it's passing or someone will see it and then sh!t goes down. If you have to just mumble it under your breath in a dark room where no one can hear you. I mumble about my wife all the time, but it's always just trivial complaints that if she heard she wouldn't care too much because she has her own set of complaints.
 

Veloise

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Just end it. You're getting annoyed at her and she's obviously not done with the last guy. Kick her out. If you both want cheap meaningless sex than whatever, but it's not a relationship, it's just sex and she's not staying in the house and her other boyfriend is not your problem. If any of that is still a problem than this is a person you don't need in your life.
... Maybe a therapist if you have one...
Emphasis mine
 

kjel

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Emphasis mine
It's been suggested before. I don't have much to add here that's already been said. If you don't have trust in your partner, there's really no point...many of us here can tell you that with 100% certainty. I am not going to pile on about the dog and career decisions, you likely can find a dog walker or pet sitter to come tend to your pup on your 24 hour days.

My husband and I had some boundary issues with his ex because she just would not stop calling or texting him asking him random shit. He's a nice guy so he didn't tell her to stop but he also rarely responded. I am not nice and I told him because she didn't respect appropriate boundaries and he was failing to enforce them, but it was his responsibility to do so. He asked if I could block her number so I blocked her number inside our phone service provider's system. She caught a clue. Last we heard from a 3rd party she found a new man and was planning on moving to Kentucky. Good luck with that.
 
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Since the original post was deleted, I have no response. 😕
JNA's post is in the 'Fun with Karen' thread, and since the link is broken in this thread, I'm reposting it:
To which kms replied:
Would you date her? 😉
_______________________________________________________________
Back to michaelskis' question.
When you say "Date" her are you thinking one date or something beyond one date?
michaelskis
Did you ever hear of the "Taming of the Shrew fantasy" that some men have?
(To be politically correct, I guess anybody of any gender preference can have it--but for the sake of clarity, I'll continue to say "man" and "woman".)

You know that the "Taming of the Shrew fantasy" is not one of "those NYC or California things", and is certainly nothing new, because Shakespeare wrote the play!

Basically, some men get turned on at the thought that they--and only they--can "tame the shrew". The "shrew" may have some money, and is almost always attractive, but has a horrible personality.

The fantasy: once the man tames the "shrew", she finds him--and only him--to be an attractive man. She submits to him, and is sort of nice to him, and wants him as a mate.

Most men who have a "Taming of the Shrew fantasy" keep it in their heads, to themselves, never acting it out. (Some men are privately ashamed that they have the fantasy and try to get the fantasy out of their heads.)

A small and indeterminate percentage of men, however, act out the fantasy--in real life.
These days, in a civilized society, men obviously are not allowed to physically dominate the "shrew" without her permission. But of course they are allowed to use non-physical means: their verbal skills, power of persuasion, personal appeal, much money, etc. This is what takes place when they ask a "shrew" out and go on a date(s?) with her.

(As I said before, the man/shrew can actually be any gender/preference.)

michaelskis, are you still with me?
In answer to your question ,"One or many dates?":
In civilized society, it varies entirely with the each individual man and each individual "shrew".
I'll put out a few somewhat diametrically-opposed scenarios:
Scenario 1: The man persuades the shrew to go on a date; she goes on the date; she rejects his advances; and he never asks her out again.
Scenario 2: Same as Scenario (1), except the shrew accepts his advances. Then he never asks her out again. Basically, he just wanted to see if he could "tame" her on one date.
Scenario 3: Same as Scenario (1), except when the shrew rejects the man's advances, he asks her on a 2nd date. If she accepts, then the Taming of the Shrew round-robin has begun:
"Round & round & round is goes. Where it stops, nobody knows."
Scenario 4: The almost-ultimate. They are about to get married. Either the man or the shrew decides at the last minute to bail out. Or they get married, but then immediately annul the marriage.

There are a seeming infinite number of scenarios!

Scenario 5: The ultimate. They get married and it doesn't get annulled. Ever see somebody who is married to a really rotten person?
...Or somebody who is seriously dating a really rotten person?
You ask, what do they see in that shrew? (Unusual circumstances aside):
  • They either are, or once were, really turned on by constantly "taming" that shrew.
  • They either are, or once were, far more attracted to shrews than to nice people.
Sometimes a person no longer wants their shrew, but think that their shrew is now "the best they can do". Some of those people continue always to live miserable lives with their shrew, while a growing number end up divorcing their shrew.

If they have not analyzed the situation very carefully, they could divorce their shrew, only to end up marrying a new shrew whom they think they've "tamed".

Then there are people who are addicted to taming shrews. They live roller-coaster lives. I have a very long-term (Platonic) friend who's in the process of divorcing his fourth shrew. Not coincidentally, he has never gotten the right medical treatment for his bipolar disorder.
 
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michaelskis

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Taming of the Shrew is a very good play, but I have never heard of that theory. My comment was more joking than anything else.
 
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AG74683

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Heh, this is about where I'm at with it. I'm going to go on this beach trip we have planned for next week with her and see how it all works out. I'm not paying for any of it, so it's essentially a free trip to the beach so I'll take it.
 
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My comment was more joking than anything else.
I was pretty sure that kms's;)meant she was joking.
But you had no emoji, and your writing style/vocabulary didn't change, and I'm unfamiliar with your brand of humor, so I had no idea that you were joking.

This was a very small misunderstanding and is hardly worth giving a second thought, don't you think?
 
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