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NEVERENDING ♾️ The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

AG74683

Cyburbian
Messages
7,171
Points
40
Well lesson learned at least. For next time, I won't ignore red flags just to make things work. If it's there, it's a hard pass. Hindsight says that she was probably seeing him dating back to when she "lost her phone" for an entire day maybe 2 months ago.

I have deleted and blocked her on all social media and deleted/blocked her phone number. All said and done, at least I didn't waste THAT much time on everything. 3 months tops. Unlike the last time, I saw the end coming, and I had a fairly strong gut feeling that she was cheating for weeks.

Karma will get her eventually, as it does everyone.
 
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AG74683

Cyburbian
Messages
7,171
Points
40
But also, marriage isn't the only way to feel like you are living a full, meaningful life. Focus on being a person that you are happy being around first and foremost.

At this point, I feel like that would be the complete opposite for me. I think because of my desire to get married, I tend to ignore obvious signs that the relationship isn't right for me just to make something work. If I distance myself from the thought of that (as in, screw it, I'm not going to waste my time on marriage), that might push me to get out of relationships before they become a time bomb.
 

AG74683

Cyburbian
Messages
7,171
Points
40
I have decided that for any future dating endeavors, I will have a strict list of no-go items. These are (so far):

  1. Must have a college degree, or some form of higher learning besides high school (associates, bachelor's, masters, etc.)
  2. No kids. If there are kids, they need to be older and generally self sufficient. I will not meet the kids for the first 6 months of the relationship.
  3. Must have her own place. Apartment, house, whether she rents or owns doesn't matter. She still lives with mommy and daddy? Hard pass.
  4. Last serious relationship must be at least 1 year prior. Anything sooner, nope. If there is ANY communication with ex boyfriends, that shit will be a no go. I catch it ONCE, it's over.
  5. No smokers. I bent that rule last time, but no more.
  6. No future goals? Get out of my life.
  7. Have to be from somewhere else. If they grew up here and never left, na. I've found that those people have zero ambition.
  8. Any crazy stuff like buying wedding rings within a month of us dating, goodbye.
  9. Any signs of untreated mental illness like hoarding (seriously, I'm still finding containers of freaking chicken broth hidden in the house), closet alcoholism, etc., I'm moving on.
  10. Obvious signs of significant medical issues that she's unwilling to disclose? Peace out!
I came to the conclusion that I've been too willing to make things work and bending a lot of stuff that I want out of a relationship just to make one work. I'm not doing that anymore. I won't settle just because, it has to be something I want now.
 

kjel

Super Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
12,702
Points
46
I have decided that for any future dating endeavors, I will have a strict list of no-go items. These are (so far):

  1. Must have a college degree, or some form of higher learning besides high school (associates, bachelor's, masters, etc.)
  2. No kids. If there are kids, they need to be older and generally self sufficient. I will not meet the kids for the first 6 months of the relationship.
  3. Must have her own place. Apartment, house, whether she rents or owns doesn't matter. She still lives with mommy and daddy? Hard pass.
  4. Last serious relationship must be at least 1 year prior. Anything sooner, nope. If there is ANY communication with ex boyfriends, that shit will be a no go. I catch it ONCE, it's over.
  5. No smokers. I bent that rule last time, but no more.
  6. No future goals? Get out of my life.
  7. Have to be from somewhere else. If they grew up here and never left, na. I've found that those people have zero ambition.
  8. Any crazy stuff like buying wedding rings within a month of us dating, goodbye.
  9. Any signs of untreated mental illness like hoarding (seriously, I'm still finding containers of freaking chicken broth hidden in the house), closet alcoholism, etc., I'm moving on.
  10. Obvious signs of significant medical issues that she's unwilling to disclose? Peace out!
I came to the conclusion that I've been too willing to make things work and bending a lot of stuff that I want out of a relationship just to make one work. I'm not doing that anymore. I won't settle just because, it has to be something I want now.

It seems that you need to spend time working on yourself and some issues. Some of these seem a little reactionary and judgmental. Many of us here are older than you and I think we can all collectively tell you that "life happens". I have a good friend in his mid 40s that has drawn similar hard lines for himself, he's the only one among our friend group that is not married or not in a long term relationship and flying solo which he is finding to be increasingly isolating.

FWIW, my husband was unemployed and living in a homeless shelter when I first met him-when he got back on his feet he came to ask me out. I said no a few times and then agreed to lunch. I was a single mom of a teenager at time. Two months after we started dating I was diagnosed with cancer, needed major surgery with a long recuperation period, AND lost my job in the middle of all that. Neither of us is what you'd consider to be a "catch" and here we are 10 years later, married, and parents of an 8 year old.
 

Salmissra

Cyburbian
Messages
6,376
Points
37
I had some rules back when I was single:

-had to be taller than me
-had to have a compatible sense of humor
-had to be able to support himself in the manner in which he wants to be accustomed to
-no criminal history (excluding random speeding ticket)
-had to have hobbies and/or interests separate from my own
-had to be able to be alone (no dependency on others) and understand wanting to be alone (recharge batteries/me time)
-nonsmoker

Worked out well. Hubby meets all requirements, even though the compatible sense of humor is only visible when listening to stand up comedians on TV.
 

kms

Cyburbian
Messages
6,939
Points
47
I have decided that for any future dating endeavors, I will have a strict list of no-go items. These are (so far):

  1. Must have a college degree, or some form of higher learning besides high school (associates, bachelor's, masters, etc.)
  2. No kids. If there are kids, they need to be older and generally self sufficient. I will not meet the kids for the first 6 months of the relationship.
  3. Must have her own place. Apartment, house, whether she rents or owns doesn't matter. She still lives with mommy and daddy? Hard pass.
  4. Last serious relationship must be at least 1 year prior. Anything sooner, nope. If there is ANY communication with ex boyfriends, that shit will be a no go. I catch it ONCE, it's over.
  5. No smokers. I bent that rule last time, but no more.
  6. No future goals? Get out of my life.
  7. Have to be from somewhere else. If they grew up here and never left, na. I've found that those people have zero ambition.
  8. Any crazy stuff like buying wedding rings within a month of us dating, goodbye.
  9. Any signs of untreated mental illness like hoarding (seriously, I'm still finding containers of freaking chicken broth hidden in the house), closet alcoholism, etc., I'm moving on.
  10. Obvious signs of significant medical issues that she's unwilling to disclose? Peace out!
I came to the conclusion that I've been too willing to make things work and bending a lot of stuff that I want out of a relationship just to make one work. I'm not doing that anymore. I won't settle just because, it has to be something I want now.

This is a good plan. Print and laminate a few copies and leave them where you need them - your wallet , your car, next to your computer. Maybe you could add a line that says she shouldn't work with you.

Kj is right. Maybe you should work a little on you. You've given us some insight into your life, and it wouldn't hurt to look into this.
 

gtpeach

Cyburbian
Messages
2,279
Points
25
Here is the list of things from CCG that were on my "not perfect on paper" list:
  • 8 years younger than me
  • No college education
  • No clear career ambitions
  • Bought into a lot of the unhelpful conservative theory dogma (not just politically conservative, but made a few statements such as white men are the only suppressed sector of society these days)
  • Clearly had some room to mature
  • Spent most of his free time playing video games
Here is a list of reasons why we ended up working out despite all that:
  • He's kind
  • He was honest about where he was
  • He's incredibly respectful
  • He's willing to listen and reconsider his ideas and beliefs
  • He's incredibly intelligent, thoughtful, and conscientious
  • He knew that life with me would be a challenge (I had two foster children with me when we got married) and that he wasn't up to them, but he wanted to grow and develop until he was up to them.
  • He takes responsibility for the consequences of his choices
All this to say, my recommendation would be to focus much more on a person's character than on their life circumstances.

And I still go back to my previous comment: you may meet someone wonderful that you spend the rest of your life with happily, or you may not. That's not guaranteed. What is guaranteed is that regardless of who you may or may not partner up with, you are going to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Focus on becoming content and confident with who you are. Work on figuring out how to be a person that enjoys their own company. Stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone - do something alone that seems awkward right now (go on vacation, to a movie or restaurant once it's safe again - like a nice one where you order a glass of wine and take your time enjoying your food). Really spend time liking yourself and being proud of what you can offer the world.
 

kms

Cyburbian
Messages
6,939
Points
47
Here is the list of things from CCG that were on my "not perfect on paper" list:
  • 8 years younger than me
  • No college education
  • No clear career ambitions
  • Bought into a lot of the unhelpful conservative theory dogma (not just politically conservative, but made a few statements such as white men are the only suppressed sector of society these days)
  • Clearly had some room to mature
  • Spent most of his free time playing video games
Here is a list of reasons why we ended up working out despite all that:
  • He's kind
  • He was honest about where he was
  • He's incredibly respectful
  • He's willing to listen and reconsider his ideas and beliefs
  • He's incredibly intelligent, thoughtful, and conscientious
  • He knew that life with me would be a challenge (I had two foster children with me when we got married) and that he wasn't up to them, but he wanted to grow and develop until he was up to them.
  • He takes responsibility for the consequences of his choices
All this to say, my recommendation would be to focus much more on a person's character than on their life circumstances.

And I still go back to my previous comment: you may meet someone wonderful that you spend the rest of your life with happily, or you may not. That's not guaranteed. What is guaranteed is that regardless of who you may or may not partner up with, you are going to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Focus on becoming content and confident with who you are. Work on figuring out how to be a person that enjoys their own company. Stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone - do something alone that seems awkward right now (go on vacation, to a movie or restaurant once it's safe again - like a nice one where you order a glass of wine and take your time enjoying your food). Really spend time liking yourself and being proud of what you can offer the world.
Pay attention to what gt says. Her advice is always sound. I admire her.
 

DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
15,628
Points
53
My wife is my wife because she makes me better. Neither one of us had particularly great situations when we met, but the other things worked out.
 
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DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
15,628
Points
53
I think it depends on your age. At say 40, 5-10 years sounds normal to me. 15 years starts pushing it. I mean you're dating a 25 yo. On the other hand 55 dating 40 I guess isn't so bad. As long as you don't date anyone that could be your child's age. That is just way off to me. FYI, my wife is 6 years older.
 
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DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
15,628
Points
53
My unsolicited dating advice, you cared too much. Once you stop caring and get involved in say work, that's when you amazing meet the right person. At least it kind of worked that way for me, but it was more of a let's just go out drinking and skip the whoring kind of night.
 
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Whose Yur Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
12,188
Points
48
Grrr. i went up to do my Sunday walk on the local rails to trails. I saw my best female friend/semi soul mate there. Our relationship is somewhere between friendship and a romantic. We went walking together for a couple of miles just being being ourselves. A woman who I had been semi flirting saw us there while we were walking. I walk my friend to her car. I saw who I was semi flirting with rode past me on her bike. She gave me a look that would freeze ice. In fairness, if you didn't know my friend and our long relationship, you would have assumed we were couple. I guess that ends that semi flirting.
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
30,653
Points
74
Grrr. i went up to do my Sunday walk on the local rails to trails. I saw my best female friend/semi soul mate there. Our relationship is somewhere between friendship and a romantic. We went walking together for a couple of miles just being being ourselves. A woman who I had been semi flirting saw us there while we were walking. I walk my friend to her car. I saw who I was semi flirting with rode past me on her bike. She gave me a look that would freeze ice. In fairness, if you didn't know my friend and our long relationship, you would have assumed we were couple. I guess that ends that semi flirting.
 
Messages
3,115
Points
26
People still date?
Heck, yes!


Grrr. i went up to do my Sunday walk on the local rails to trails. I saw my best female friend/semi soul mate there. Our relationship is somewhere between friendship and a romantic. We went walking together for a couple of miles just being being ourselves. A woman who I had been semi flirting saw us there while we were walking. I walk my friend to her car. I saw who I was semi flirting with rode past me on her bike. She gave me a look that would freeze ice. In fairness, if you didn't know my friend and our long relationship, you would have assumed we were couple. I guess that ends that semi flirting.

Two opposite approaches to this situation:
(1) Accept the fact that if you keep acting as you do in public with your best friend, then you likely will get similar results in the future. "Such is life."
or
(2) Decide that you want to get different (better?) results in the future. In which case, it's probably necessary to tweak/change how you act in public with your best friend.

It looks like your "default option" is (1).

If you'd prefer (2), there are many smart people on this thread who'd be happy to give tips and see you through situations/scenarios. imho We'd all be routing for you.


(BTW, I wanted to put this in a PM, but I'm not sure you got my PM.)
 

AG74683

Cyburbian
Messages
7,171
Points
40
So just a quick update, I managed to see the red flags early and get out before it became something insane this time.

After 2 weeks this girl was talking about:

1) Getting married
2) Babies
3) When she was moving in
4) I shouldn't get a truck because "WE" don't need a truck.

I jumped out of that real quick. Within 3 weeks of me basically cutting her off, she was seeing someone else. Within 5 weeks they became "engaged" and she lives with him now. As much as she "loves" this guy, she'd still contact me off and on trying to come over to hook up again. Eventually she did come over, but I don't think she was too enthusiastic about now nonchalant I was about ending things with her. She got her spare car key (yes, for some reason she chose to leave that with ME...) and I really haven't heard from her since.

As for the over the summer girl, she ended up with the ex (as I suspected) and they got engaged two months ago. Judging by recent social media changes, it appears they're already over again. Go figure....
 

kms

Cyburbian
Messages
6,939
Points
47
So just a quick update, I managed to see the red flags early and get out before it became something insane this time.

After 2 weeks this girl was talking about:

1) Getting married
2) Babies
3) When she was moving in
4) I shouldn't get a truck because "WE" don't need a truck.

I jumped out of that real quick. Within 3 weeks of me basically cutting her off, she was seeing someone else. Within 5 weeks they became "engaged" and she lives with him now. As much as she "loves" this guy, she'd still contact me off and on trying to come over to hook up again. Eventually she did come over, but I don't think she was too enthusiastic about now nonchalant I was about ending things with her. She got her spare car key (yes, for some reason she chose to leave that with ME...) and I really haven't heard from her since.

As for the over the summer girl, she ended up with the ex (as I suspected) and they got engaged two months ago. Judging by recent social media changes, it appears they're already over again. Go figure....
Good for you!
 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
Messages
809
Points
30
Heck, yes!




Two opposite approaches to this situation:
(1) Accept the fact that if you keep acting as you do in public with your best friend, then you likely will get similar results in the future. "Such is life."
or
(2) Decide that you want to get different (better?) results in the future. In which case, it's probably necessary to tweak/change how you act in public with your best friend.

It looks like your "default option" is (1).

If you'd prefer (2), there are many smart people on this thread who'd be happy to give tips and see you through situations/scenarios. imho We'd all be routing for you.


(BTW, I wanted to put this in a PM, but I'm not sure you got my PM.)

I can't even imagine it anymore. Good luck to those that keep it going, especially over 50 lol
 

Veloise

Cyburbian
Messages
6,093
Points
38
So just a quick update, I managed to see the red flags early and get out before it became something insane this time.

After 2 weeks this girl was talking about:

1) Getting married
2) Babies
3) When she was moving in
4) I shouldn't get a truck because "WE" don't need a truck.

I jumped out of that real quick. Within 3 weeks of me basically cutting her off, she was seeing someone else. Within 5 weeks they became "engaged" and she lives with him now. As much as she "loves" this guy, she'd still contact me off and on trying to come over to hook up again. Eventually she did come over, but I don't think she was too enthusiastic about now nonchalant I was about ending things with her. She got her spare car key (yes, for some reason she chose to leave that with ME...) and I really haven't heard from her since.

As for the over the summer girl, she ended up with the ex (as I suspected) and they got engaged two months ago. Judging by recent social media changes, it appears they're already over again. Go figure....
Aren't you glad you didn't open the curtain to this soap opera here in this thread?
You know what we all would have responded with ...
 

Whose Yur Planner

Cyburbian
Messages
12,188
Points
48
So just a quick update, I managed to see the red flags early and get out before it became something insane this time.

After 2 weeks this girl was talking about:

1) Getting married
2) Babies
3) When she was moving in
4) I shouldn't get a truck because "WE" don't need a truck.

I jumped out of that real quick. Within 3 weeks of me basically cutting her off, she was seeing someone else. Within 5 weeks they became "engaged" and she lives with him now. As much as she "loves" this guy, she'd still contact me off and on trying to come over to hook up again. Eventually she did come over, but I don't think she was too enthusiastic about now nonchalant I was about ending things with her. She got her spare car key (yes, for some reason she chose to leave that with ME...) and I really haven't heard from her since.

As for the over the summer girl, she ended up with the ex (as I suspected) and they got engaged two months ago. Judging by recent social media changes, it appears they're already over again. Go figure....
Congrats about having learned some hard lessons in the past. You heeded them this time.
 
Messages
3,115
Points
26
I can't even imagine it anymore. Good luck to those that keep it going, especially over 50 lol
This (NYTimes?) curiosity has been printed & reprinted in media all around the world:
"My 70-year-old father joined Tinder"
"Over the next few months, as pandemic restrictions eased and vaccines were rolled out, my dad started meeting a few people for drinks or dinner. Now when he comes to visit, we scroll through apps together, and he tells me about his dates."
 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
Messages
809
Points
30
This (NYTimes?) curiosity has been printed & reprinted in media all around the world:
"My 70-year-old father joined Tinder"
"Over the next few months, as pandemic restrictions eased and vaccines were rolled out, my dad started meeting a few people for drinks or dinner. Now when he comes to visit, we scroll through apps together, and he tells me about his dates."

To each their own. Like I said, I can't imagine it. At this point in my life there are only two ways to do things; my way and the wrong way so I am good where I am.
 
Messages
3,115
Points
26
Like I said, I can't imagine it. At this point in my life there are only two ways to do things; my way and the wrong way so I am good where I am.
You have no idea how lucky you are. (Not being facetious.)

Life would be so, So, SO MUCH EASIER for me if I were able to lose most desire for dating & romance!

 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
Messages
809
Points
30
You have no idea how lucky you are. (Not being facetious.)

Life would be so, So, SO MUCH EASIER for me if I were able to lose most desire for dating & romance!


Oh...I still get caught between the Scylla and Charibdis of horniness and loneliness at times. The idea is to fill your life with other stuff as much as you can.
 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
Messages
809
Points
30
I sometimes wonder how I was able to get 2 degrees and run an organization of 200 people and do some complex problems.

But with women my mind stop developing in 1980. Someone explain that to me.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,516
Points
57
Predictable outcomes.

With getting a degree and managing an organization, there are known series of events with predicable ends. With women, not so much.
 

mendelman

Unfrozen Caveman Planner
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
15,937
Points
60
With women, not so much.
Oooo...you're gonna get in trouble.... ;)

200.gif
 
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Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,516
Points
57
Well you could say people, because its people that are unpredictable. However I do find men more predictable. I had no sisters growing up, and I only had sons for kids.
Two brothers growing up, only 2 (of 8) cousins were girls.
Married with a daughter. It was (& still is) a learning curve.
 

Hawkeye66

Cyburbian
Messages
809
Points
30
The question I am asking myself is; Do I really want to confront my cluelessness and do something about it? Or just be an old bachelor?
 
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