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NEVERENDING ♾️ The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
27,047
Points
72
GATOR

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature, and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
As she gets the gator to its desired destination, the blonde struggles mightily but manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, 'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!'
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
yuks

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's al l organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at
the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic
part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman.
"It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there."

Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."

A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"

The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
A [insert geographic preference here] farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinated.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
3 Beer Irishman

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub
and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.


An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time,
several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders
Three Beers.


Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the
town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
always order three beers?"


"It is odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and
one went to America , and the other to Australia. We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way
of keeping up the family bond."


The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders
Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet,
even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.


Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.
He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered
for the soul of one of the brothers.


The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first
of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
You know-the two beers and all"


The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."
 

ofos

Vintage Cyburbian
Messages
8,278
Points
28
Pigs

PIGS..............

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs…these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line...

Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of the 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those @ssholes at [insert building supply company of choice here] ever deliver the f---in' sheet rock."
 

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
27,047
Points
72
The Rabbit and the Blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says.......

Are you ready for this ?
Are you sure ?
This is bad !
It's definitely a Blonde Joke !
You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....
You can still delete it
You know you're gonna be sorry

Last chance





OK, here it is

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
 

zman

Cyburbian
Messages
9,303
Points
35
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User?..

___________________ __________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time.

To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.

Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.

New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.

There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support



_____________________________________________________________________







INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
 

ofos

Vintage Cyburbian
Messages
8,278
Points
28
The Pope & Nancy Pelosi

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it
a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know
that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the
crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and
cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did
you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person
in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display
like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they
will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.
 

otterpop

Cyburbian
Messages
6,655
Points
28
God was creating the Earth. Everything was going well and on schedule. But then God got to creating Norway and he bogged down making the fjords. So by the time he got to Texas, it was getting too dark to work.

So God decided to quit for the day. The next morning he found that the land had dried flat as a pancake and hard as concrete. God did not want to have to start all over again.

Then in his Infinite Wisdom God said, "I know. I will just create a group of people who like it this way."
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
Cowboy Church Ten Commandments
1. Just One God
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4. Git yerself to Sunday meetin'
5. Put nothin' before God
6. No foolin' around with another fella's gal
7. No killin'
8. Watch yer mouth
9. Don't take what ain't yers
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
Sex

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
Farah's last wish

Farah Fawcett arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is greeted by Saint Peter.

"Farah, you can have one final wish before you enter your eternal reward," says Saint Peter.

"Well, I'd really love to protect the children of the world from harm," says Farah.

Later that same day, Michael Jackson is dead.
 

ofos

Vintage Cyburbian
Messages
8,278
Points
28
Priest & Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't
it?"
 

ofos

Vintage Cyburbian
Messages
8,278
Points
28
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said . .... .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said , 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had
anything to play with.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,609
Points
57
economic indicators for 2009

12.. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10.. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer , Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning
their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your food;
do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

English: I Love You
Spanish: te amo
French: Je T'aime
German: lch Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Thai: Phom rak khun
Italian: Ti amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and parts of Florida....: Nice Ass, Get in the truck
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer
becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "
So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,609
Points
57
> Please read and forward to any women you may know that need help with
> this... we don't want to lose any women over this treatable illness...
>
> Important Women's Health Issue:
>
> Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
> you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
> pharmacist about Margaritas.
>
> Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
> about yourself and your actions.
>
> Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
> world that you're ready
>
> and willing to do just about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with
> a regimen of regular doses you can
>
> overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
> to live.
>
> Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
> discover many talents you never knew you had.
>
> Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas..
>
> Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
> nursing should not use Margaritas.
>
> However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
> encouraged to try it.
>
> Side effects may include:
>
> Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
>
> Erotic lustfulness
>
> Walking through screen doors
>
> Loss of motor control
>
> Loss of clothing
>
> Loss of money
>
> Loss of virginity
>
> Table dancing
>
> Headache
>
> Dehydration
>
> Dry mouth
>
> And a desire to sing Karaoke
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
> when you are not.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
> and over again that you love them.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
> converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting
>
> Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. &nb sp;
>
> Thank you.
>
>
>
> Reminding you "Be flexible and you'll never get
>
> bent out of shape!"
 

Bear Up North

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
9,323
Points
31
Lie-Detector Robot

Jim and Mary were so proud. They had just purchased their first LIE DETECTOR ROBOT. As their son, Mike, walked in the room with his pretty girlfriend, Candy. Jim whispered to Mary, "Let's try this out on Mikey."

"Where you guys been?", Jim asked Mike. He replied, "At the library."

The robot walked over to Mike and whacked him across the head. Jim smiled and asked the same question. Mike replied, "Uhhh, down in Candy's basement, watching National Geographic videos."

Again the robot ambled over to Mike and smacked hin.

Mike already knew that the same question was on its' way. He stammered, "We were watching pornos."

Jim smiled.....and the robot did not move.

Jim looked at his son. "You know you shouldn't lie. I never lied to my parents." The robot moved over to Jim and whacked him across the head. Mary started to laugh. "Jim, Jim, Jim. Even though Mike is your son, you should be setting a good example."

The robot smacked Mary.

:D

Bear
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was drawn to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying intensely and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is greater than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
ZG comes home from shopping the other day and tells me to take off her blouse.
Then she tells me to take off her skirt.
Then she tells me to take off her panties.

Then she tells me never to wear her clothes again.
 

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
27,047
Points
72
Sister Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Sister Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?'
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
An old man decides to go on a photo shoot in the Adirondacks, taking his faithful aged poodle named Dellwood, along for the company.

The poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Dellwood discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a bear heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching bear. Just as the bear is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious bear! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young bear halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the bear, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the bear. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the bear with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The squirrel soon catches up with the bear, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the bear.

The young bear is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the bear coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another bear!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 

DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
15,670
Points
53
A flasher jumps out in front of three old ladies.

The first one has a stroke...

The second one is shocked and has a stroke...

The third one tries but can't reach.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,609
Points
57
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?''

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
 

Bear Up North

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
9,323
Points
31
Schoolyard Humor

This Bear is thinking back to the 1950s, when we were all talking (joking) about these books.....

Yellow River
By I. P. Daly

Antlers In The Treetop
By Whoguse Themoose

Under The Grandstands
By Seymour Butts

Cat's Revenge
By Claude Balls
_____

Bear
 

ofos

Vintage Cyburbian
Messages
8,278
Points
28
This Bear is thinking back to the 1950s, when we were all talking (joking) about these books.....
<snip>
Bear

"Little Johnny" jokes were big too. Like this...

Mrs. Smith, the first grade teacher was quizzing her class on the letters of the alphabet by writing them on the blackboard. As she wrote each letter, she would single out one of the students to tell her what the letter was.

"Susie, what letter is this?" "A". "Very good, Susie".

"Billy, what letter is this?" "B". "That's right, Billy".

But then she got to Little Johnny and wrote "F" on the board. "Johnny, what letter is this?" "K". "Johnny, let's try again."

She went through all the rest of the alphabet (keeping this short) and Little Johnny got every other letter right so she went back to the "F". "Johnny, what letter is this?" "K".

After several more tries with the same results, Mrs. Smith couldn't take it anymore.

"Johnny, How come every time I write "F" you see "K"?

I know it's lame but times were simpler then.
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
Global Security Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,609
Points
57
Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.
 

kjel

Super Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
12,743
Points
46
Redneck Bank Loan

A Redneck from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, ‘Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

His name was BUBBA..
 

SGB

Cyburbian
Messages
3,386
Points
27
All I wanted was a Pepsi

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


[Bonus points to anyone who can tell me how the post title is relevant.]
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
30,812
Points
74
A guy spending his first day in prison hears someone shout out "23" and everyone busts out laughing. Then someone else shouts out "250" and gets an even bigger laugh in response. The newcomer asks his cell mate what's going on and is told "Everyone has been locked up here so long together and we've heard each others jokes so many times we just decided to number the jokes to save time telling them." The newcomer is intrigued by this, decides to try it out himself and shouts out "188". Dead silence. Cellmate says "you just don't know how to tell 'em."

Alternate punchline: guy shouts out "645" and the entire joint erupts in the loudest laughter imaginable. When the guy asks why they're laughing so hard the cellmate says "they hadn't heard that one before."
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
The last nickle

The Last Nickel


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.'
 

Bear Up North

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
9,323
Points
31
Dinner With The Buddies

A group of men, friends with each other since their childhood in the old neighborhood, decided that every 10 years they would all meet on the same day of the year......at their favorite restaurant, Kelly's.

When they were in their 30s they picked Kelly's because the waitresses wore low--cut tops and short-shorts....and the food was good.

When they were in their 40s they picked Kelly's because the prices were reasonable and they all had big families that required careful spending habits.

When they were in their 50s they picked Kelly's because the background music (oldies) reminded them of their youth.

When they were in their 60s they picked Kelly's because the owners knew them, knew their favorite foods, and reserved for them a special corner booth.

When they were in their 70s they picked Kelly's because it was wheel-chair accessible.

When they were in their 80s they picked Kelly's because they had never been there before.

Bear :D
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,609
Points
57
Topp 10 Country Western Love Songs

> Top Ten Country Western Love Songs.
> 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
>   9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
>   8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
>   7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
>   6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
>   5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
>   4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
>   3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
> 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country  & Western song is...
>  
> 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
Cookies

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
 

Planit

Cyburbian
Messages
14,609
Points
57
The 9 words women use

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!
 

Bear Up North

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
9,323
Points
31
Question: Who has candy and starts to give it to you.....then pulls back.....then starts to give it to you again.....then pulls back.....then starts to give it to you again.....then pulls back?

Answer:


























The Easter Bungie.

:-c:D

Bear
 

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
27,047
Points
72
If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot.... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! And, if you got one down the street, there was another one waiting on you when you made it home!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike or ride your bike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then sometimes the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! You know, the big metal box in the kitchen with fire on top! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled ass rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in the 1980’s or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 50 Crowd
 

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
27,047
Points
72
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
 

Bear Up North

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
9,323
Points
31
Redneck Smoke Detector:

Nail a container of Jiffy Pop to a wall, near the ceiling. If it starts to pop, run.

:D

Bear
 

Richmond Jake

You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
Messages
18,300
Points
45
Golf lines

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them
~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf..
~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
 
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