Things not to say on your first day of work at a new job. (likely NOT work safe)

[el Guapo]

As insipired by another thread.

Post your favorite quote of clueless things new employees should never say their first day of work.

Here is mine: Imagine this is your new CD director talking to the administrative support person at the front desk after hearing her answer the phone for the first time. Slim Pickens from Blazing Saddles Turn DOWN your speakers.

 

[Seabishop]

"How serious are you about that whole no embezzlement thing?"

"So which one of you under-appreciated ladies would like to get your freak on with the new VP of Marketing?"

"So how many people do I have to accidently push down the stairs to be the boss?"

"If you need me I'll be on Cyburbia doing lots of research."

"I'm going to spend $1,000 of tax payers money to de-bug my office, just in case the previous adminstration left any recording devices." Real (paraphrased) quote from the new town manager in a neighboring town who was arrested a few months later for accepting bribes. :-\

 

[Repo Man]

To boss:
"That Barb in accounting sure is a fine piece of ass, eh?"
"That coffee isn't getting brewed any faster with you standing in my doorway"
While standing in his/her office: "I have an awesome framed print that is gonna look great on that wall"
"So that developer gave me 500 bucks when I took in his application. Wanna go to lunch? My treat!"

 

[GeogPlanner]

"So how many more years until retirement?"

 

[Big Easy King]

This was said by the new executive director of the New Orleans City Planning Commission on his first day on the job, April 5, 2004 in a staff meeting to address them:

"I've got to grab the tar baby by the ears and jump right in."

Under pressure of the CPC staff and the city administration, Verl resigned yesterday, April 7, 2004. Check it out:

http://www.nola.com/news/t-p/neworleans/index.ssf?/base/news-2/1081415112231900.xml

I'm appalled and continue to be disappointed with the CPC's decision-making process.

 

[GeogPlanner]

As insipired by another thread.

http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showthread.php?t=11448

 

[Tranplanner]

to your boss:

"Do you have any daughters?"

 

[NHPlanner]

Please tell me you did not actually do this when you were in your previous job and were dating the boss' daughter. ;-) (the now Mrs. Tranplanner for those that don't know the story...)

 

[biscuit]

"So, at what point is it safe for me to start sleeping with that hottie intern? A couple of days... a week?"

You don't mind if I don't wear any pants while I'm at my desk do you?"

 

[Tranplanner]

No, but I thought a few of you out there might get the joke


Sorry for the mis-edit above...too much caffeine, not enough sleep!

 

[Big Easy King]

"I'm not staying until 5:00 p.m. I left at 3:00 p.m. at my previous job."

 

[Michele Zone]

"So who do I have to sleep with to get promoted?"

 

[Dan]

"I have to step out of the office at 4:20 for ... uhh, personal reasons."

"Dude, is your blue shirt hemp?"

"Can I have five bucks in change for the snack machine?"

"I got a concealed carry permit ... allright to bring my Smith n'Wesson 645 in?"

"What the hell business is it of ours to tell these good people what they can and can't do with their prop'ty? Now, git t'hell out of m'office!"

 

[Zoning Goddess]

"When do I get a bigger office?"

"I need next week off."

 

[Repo Man]

"I hope you don't mind if I leave early tomorrow, I have a job interview at 3."

"What's a 'comprehensive plan'?"

"Wal Mart supercenters are ok to be staf approved, right?"

 

[Doitnow]

Hey! I may not have experience but believe me, I am goood!!

 

[Dan]

[ot]

"Wal Mart supercenters are ok to be staf approved, right?"

One place I worked, they could.

"Use permitted in the zoning district ... okay. Parking, loading and drive aisles ... check. Landscaping ... check. Setbacks okay ... uh huh. Building height below 35' ... yup.(DT) - okay ... remember, signs need a separate permit."[/ot]

 

[The Irish One]

This job sucks

EDIT:
This one time at band camp..

 

[Planderella]

WORK?!?!?!?!?!?! I wasn't hired to do that!!!

 

[Queen B]

I know this may seem mild by previous standards..

Can I make coffee, I say yes and say how much I usually put in. She says I like it stronger so she puts in more. Then when it is done she tells me I can have some.

It is my freaking pot and my coffee.....

When I asked if she had another pot at home and could she bring it since our coffee tastes are not the same -- when she moved around the office, she wouldn't let me keep my pot near the sink any more now I have to have it on my side of the room.

 

[GeogPlanner]

When I asked if she had another pot at home and could she bring it since our coffee tastes are not the same -- when she moved around the office, she wouldn't let me keep my pot near the sink any more now I have to have it on my side of the room.

was this your boss or just some other staffer? wtf...BTW, i love my Melita One:One

 

[Chet]

"excuse me. It's break time and I have to go take my antiviral cocktail"

 

[ludes98]

So there aren't any more drug screenings after that initial one is there?

 

[el Guapo]

"Does anyone here drive a blue BMW parked in the employee parking lot, well technically now parked at the base of the retaining wall of the very same lot?"

"How about a little heads up on the next piss test?"

While looking at a picture of your teenage daughter on your desk, "Yummy."

"I've always felt the line between a friendly realtionship with contractors and graft to be open to situational interpretation...wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

"Please close the door behind you Heather."

"Can anyone loan me some "Tough-Actin' " Tennactin?"

"What is that leaking from my desk?"

"Prone to workplace violence can mean so many things."

"Can I get an advance of three months pay?"

 

[Chet]

Of course you know nothin is permanent - including new bosses - unless they're screwed on the desk... [wink-wink]

 

[el Guapo]

While pointing at the bald old white guy with the $2000 suit behind the expensive glass partition and talking to the office intern, "Who's that fat stupid looking bastard? Hey, the name etched into the glass on his door is the same as your last name. You guys related?"

 

[otterpop]

"Can I go home a little early. The voices in my head tell me it is a good time to go home and clean my guns."

 

[Gedunker]

Come over here and sit on my lap --- are those real or implants?

 

[Chet]

Anybody see my "E"? It was right here in this aspirin bottle...

 

[Michele Zone]

Come over here and sit on my lap --- are those real or implants?

In honor of Gedunker's comment:

I just got a boob job. Wanna see how it turned out? Give me a little feedback as to what you think of it?

 

[SkeLeton]

"Whoohoo! now I'm a real planner and can now brag about it endlessly in Cyburbia! You don't mind me using the internet for "research", right?"

"What? I don't get a pay raise for getting into the Cyburbia Clube?" :-D

 

[Rumpy Tunanator]

Does your health care plan cover trips to the methodone clinic?

 

[Dan]

"You might want to wait before you go in there. Crohn's Disease, you know."

"Where the white women at?"

"Have you accepted Christ Jesus as your peronal savior? I have these Jack Chick pamphlets you might be interested in reading."

"I just got a boob job. Wanna see how it turned out? Give me a little feedback as to what you think of it?"

Last job, the associate planner I supervised showed off a new tattoo while she was at work ...I won't say where.

 

[JNA]

"Where the white women at?"

? Was that inspired by EG reference to Blazing Saddles ? ;-)

 

[Michele Zone]

Last job, the associate planner I supervised showed off a new tattoo while she was at work ...I won't say where.

Oh. My. God.

I was thinking about going through and giving an "equal opportunity" (women's version) of some of the lines others have posted. I am not sure I want to now. 8-!

But the one I had already thought up was "my" version of Tranplanners joke:

"Yeah, I am newly divorced. I feel like a kid again. In fact, I got married at 19 so I feel like a teenager again. Oh, by the way, you wouldn't happen to have any teenaged sons, would you?" ( :-# )

 

[el Guapo]

I'm using the employee phone roster as my "hit list." If you know what's good for you you'll make sure your name doesn't get highlighted. Got me? Now how about giving me your desk chair now.

On my time off I'm an "adult" photographer, interested?

Hey, to celebrate my first day I'm taking the office out for lunch. How's Chuckie Cheese sound?

Why must the unceasingly evil demons keep follow me, even here to the house of my master, Cyburbia, where in I toil in the Lord's garden of the dark planning arts?

I get cash back on every purchase I make. Can I sign you up also?

 

[sisterceleste]

"Does the noise in my head bother you?"

 

[H]

"Damn I'm drunk!" :b: :b: :-b