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What things in common are important in a relationship?

What things in common are important in a relationship?

  • Appearance

    Votes: 3 5.5%
  • Social Standing

    Votes: 1 1.8%
  • Financial Standing

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Ethics

    Votes: 26 47.3%
  • Food Preferences (meat v veggies)

    Votes: 1 1.8%
  • Family Background

    Votes: 2 3.6%
  • Location Preference (city v country)

    Votes: 4 7.3%
  • Age

    Votes: 1 1.8%
  • Level of Activity

    Votes: 4 7.3%
  • Work Hours

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Others (Please list below)

    Votes: 11 20.0%
  • None (opposites attract??)

    Votes: 2 3.6%

  • Total voters
    55

michaelskis

Cyburbian
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This past weekend I went to a weeding. I was happy to see them so happy, mainly because they have so much in common. But it started to make me wonder how much in common do you need with someone. Then I watched the movie “Keeping the Faith” and it further made me wonder about what is important. What do you think?


*Can a mod change it so they can pick mulitple answers and add religion to the mix options?

Nope, sorry - el Guapo
 
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Budgie

Cyburbian
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5,270
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30
What? Where's the physical attraction?

Strong mutual physical attraction is very important although the way you express it changes over the years.
 

boiker

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michaelskis said:
What do you think?
I chose ethics (at least until I can select multiple catagories). For my wife and I we share the same philosophies, raising children, money, values, etc. We can talk for hours about the most ridiculous or important topics and never get bored with each other and rarely feel in conflict.
 
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biscuit

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3,904
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I think boiker is right on this one. A relationship will just not work if the two of you have different ethical stances. You can have all the differences in the world and still have a good relationship as long as you and your mate share the same core values. My wife and I are an example of that. She's a second generation American of Ukranian decent, a Catholic and a Yankee, and I'm a WASPy, (recovering) Baptist from the South. We have different backgrounds but were raised with the same basic values and that, along with both of us sharing the same weird sense of humor, helps us go together like chocolate and peanut-butter.
 
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Repo Man

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2,549
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For some couples religion is very important, especially if you are going to have kids. If you have one person who isn't religious and one who is and intends on raising the kids in that religion you may have problems. I know some couples (mainly older) who are resentful that one spouse won't go to church while the other goes alone or with the kids.

I think that common interests are key. If one person loves the outdoors and the other likes to stay in there may be problems. Same with social interaction. If you are someone who likes to go out a lot and do group things while your sig. other prefers to only do things alone as a couple or prefers to stay home, there could also be problems. I also dated a girl who only wanted to hang out with her friends and never wanted to do things with my friends. That didn't last long at all.

I also dated a girl who made some derogatory comments about African Americans and Hispanics - she was gone almost instantly. So ethics and morals are key, as others have mentioned.
 

Gedunker

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I wanted to vote for three (then realized it was single-choice) B-)

I voted for ethics, for the reasons stated above. I would also have voted for level of activity and work hours. The biggest gripe Mrs. G has in our relationship is my constant meeting schedule (seven regularly scheduled night meetings every month). This directly effects our (mostly my) level of activity -- if it's been a particulalry grueling week, I don't want to have to do cr@p -- and of course, she's ready to run with the "to do" list.

Just my 0.02.
 

NHPlanner

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Not on the list, but to me the biggest thing is TRUST.

Without it, you can forget about a successful relationship. It was the ultimate downfall of my marriage.....well that and my ex cheating on me with a guy that got out of prison.....
 

mendelman

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I'll go with "Ethics" group on this poll.

all else is much easier to overcome.
 

Richmond Jake

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I voted other: Honesty, openness, and trustworthiness. Traits my ex misplaced this year. I also think appearance in important.
 

kms

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I think that family background covers many of the choices. No one tells you to pay attention to the sig. other's family dynamics before you make a committment - at least not in my family

Had I known enough to pay close enough attention to my husband's family, I may not have married him. We come from two entirely different sets of values. Now, I didn't know his father very well, but his values may been more parallel to my family's. My husband has a stronger sense of what is right and wrong that the rest of his family, but he is still a product of his family.

I'll be spending the next few years figuring out how to teach this to my kids without making them bad relationship material by making them afraid to commit.
 
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I'm going to have to second Rumpy's comment that people need to have a mutual ability to put up with each other's crap. Its all about what you can tolerate about that person, and what you can compromise on. IMO, most things you can and should compromise on, except your morals.

But I really believe that in every successful relationship, each couple has built up an immunity to the annoying things their S.O. does. My best friend's husband spends too much money on cars, which would make me insane, but she just says "meh". Most people would not tolerate my bossiness, but fortunately, I found an indecisive man who doesn't mind being bossed. Its all about picking your battles, and realizing what the most important things to you are.
 

mendelman

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Downtown said:
..Most people would not tolerate my bossiness, but fortunately, I found an indecisive man who doesn't mind being bossed. Its all about picking your battles, and realizing what the most important things to you are.
Are you my wife's long-lost sister? ;-) :)

My wife is a stresser and major worrier, and I can be too laid-back, so we help to keep each other balanced (mostly ;-) )
 

Plannerbabs

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I went with ethics, too. If you have that common core, everything else falls into place. Ultimately, the person's mind and heart should be the most attractive things about them, because that's what's going to last (having said that, though, Mr. Plannerbabs bears more than a passing resemblence to Jude Law when the light's right--swoon! ;-) )
 
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I would say that you should look for someone who is both intellectually and emotionally compatible. I found someone intellectually compatible but not emotionally compatible. And that is really why I expect to divorce. All the other stuff...the good and bad balance out. But nothing makes up for how emotionally "starved" I feel.

But I chose reasonably well and I don't have conflicts in some of the areas others are citing. I knew I wanted to travel the world, get away from my hometown, have kids, heal from my abusive childhoood and stuff like that. I got all that. And, for example, traveling and getting away from my hometown prevented "in-laws" from being a huge issue because we don't live near any relatives. :) I got a LOT of what I wanted out of my marriage. Everything except feeling loved and cared for.
 

nerudite

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In addition to some of those listed above... I think that people have to match well as far as a social agenda goes. Although I'm not a total party girl, I had a really hard time in a relationship with someone that was totally antisocial. He had no friends, didn't like to go out (other than to movies), didn't want to hang out with my friends... a real bummer all around. I tend to slip into hermit mode sometimes myself, so I tried to be understanding. But I need some sort of social life!
 

michaelskis

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20,174
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51
I may be young, not married, nor going to be any time soon, I think that for me, I need to find a woman with balance. I would be attracted to a woman with a balance of elegance, grace, ethics, morals, sophistication, optimism, goals, similar values, and if she was catholic, that would be a plus (but not required).

I once dated someone that fit all those things, but the age difference (4 years) was a bit much for her I guess.
 

Cardinal

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NHPlanner said:
Not on the list, but to me the biggest thing is TRUST.

Without it, you can forget about a successful relationship. It was the ultimate downfall of my marriage.....well that and my ex cheating on me with a guy that got out of prison.....
Hmmm... that same thing happened to me once.

I will agree with NHPlanner, with a twist. Yes, it includes being able to trust your SO, but it is also keeping the trust - being faithful despite disagreements.
 

biscuit

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michaelskis said:
...I need to find a woman with balance. I would be attracted to a woman with a balance of elegance, grace, ethics, morals, sophistication, optimism, goals, similar values, and if she was catholic, that would be a plus (but not required).
You should probably raise your expectations there buddy.There's no telling what kind of trash you'll end up marrying with standards like those. ;-)
 

Maister

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NHPlanner said:
Not on the list, but to me the biggest thing is TRUST.
Oh TRUST , when I first read that I thought you said THRUST.
 

NHPlanner

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Cardinal said:
Hmmm... that same thing happened to me once.

I will agree with NHPlanner, with a twist. Yes, it includes being able to trust your SO, but it is also keeping the trust - being faithful despite disagreements.
We'll have to swap stories over beers sometime Cardinal! ;-)

And I agree wholeheartedly about trust being a two-way thing....
 

GeogPlanner

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I went with level of activity as being the most important...but I have a strange logic to that decision. I think every relationship has "building blocks" to it: ethics, trust, attraction

I think having differences in interests can make things a bit more exciting because one person is turning the other onto something else.

However, for me, the deal breaker in a relationship has always been level of activity. I tend to be busy and the girls I seem to fall for have lots of time on thier hands...so I usually feel guilty about having "me" time when I am not working. That after a few months gets old and I get out.

But in the end, micahelskis put it best...balance!
 

Rumpy Tunanator

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michaelskis said:
I may be young, not married, nor going to be any time soon, I think that for me, I need to find a woman with balance. I would be attracted to a woman with a balance of elegance, grace, ethics, morals, sophistication, optimism, goals, similar values, and if she was catholic, that would be a plus (but not required).
I don't know, with the ad you have placed, you just might find the right one;)
 

Attachments

Dan

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I'd have to go with a really nice rack.



Seriously, I chose other.

Consider my last three dates.

1) Walked out in the middle of the date, throwing a $20 bill on the table and saying "Looks like rain ... better get to my car! Good luck!" (I didn't say anything that I thought was offensive.)

2) Stood up. No excuse; she just forgot.

3) Showed up 15 minutes late, with no excuse. She kissed one of the waitstaff at the restaurant we went to, and when I came back from the bathroom she was giving her phone number to another waiter. (Even if she was just friends with the waiter she pecked, I still think that's inappropriate on a date. This is America, not France.)

I'll admit that finding a match will be a challenge for me, and I'm feeling very anxious about it now considering my age. I'm becoming the male equivalent of an old maid; "If he's in his late 30s and he's never been married before, something has to be wrong with him."

As I've said before, I'm a Guinness (or Stone Ruination IPA, or a Bell's Two Hearted Ale, or a La Fin du Monde, but hopefully not an Arrogant Bastard) in a world of Budweiser men. You might think Bud is watered-dowm chum juice, but consider what sells. A woman can have looks, similar interests, intelligence, great conversational skills, and "intellectual and emotional compatibility" as Michele Zone says, but odds are she won't find any chemistry with me. That's really all I want, really ... mutual attraction and chemistry.
 

mike gurnee

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I would add how you deal with money issues to the milieu. Money is often the root of domestic problems. A spendthrift and a miser can be very incompatible.
 

Mud Princess

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mike gurnee said:
I would add how you deal with money issues to the milieu. Money is often the root of domestic problems. A spendthrift and a miser can be very incompatible.
True, but you can also learn from each other. Although he does need his occasional toys, my DH of ten years now understands the importance of saving money. Most of the guys he works with live paycheck-to-paycheck, and have huge debts. And all of them are single or divorced!
 

Lee Nellis

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I don't think anyone has mentioned humour. It is important to be able to laugh with each other. We are both serious, but somehow we manage to be goofy together.

While this may not apply to everyone, I also think that an appreciation for the other person's changes and growth as a person is important. And it can be a real test. My ex not only never understood that I am in pretty much constant flux, she made it worse by trying to suppress it. And I made it worse yet by trying to please her by suppressing it. When the charade ended there was a lot of unhappiness.

Although she sometimes despairs (and occasionally laughs), Karen appreciates my essential Gemini nature. And while I sometimes feel like hiding in the closet, I watch her deal with her issues listen and strive to understand.

Finally, another entry: gratitude. And I don't just mean to each other, though that should there. I mean an overall feeling of thankfulness for what life offers.
 

JNL

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My 2 kronors (still in Sweden ;)): I think all those things you listed are important, however, it may not be that easy to find someone who matches all your requirements. I think you just know when you have found someone special and it may be that they fit most, but not all, of your preferences. You may need to compromise. Being able to compromise (both of you) is very important!
 

donk

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As I have been recently been told, everything else can be crap, but if the sex is good and you are wealthy the other things will take care of themselves.

Now my take on it,

Looks are important, ethics and common social experiences.

The last 2 can pretty much cover everthing under the sun, but as I have discovered, knowing what wine to order is really important., and does tell you lots about the other person's standards and expectations.

While appearance sounds shallow, it can also indicate lots about a person. If they are fit, you know their activity level. If they are overly fashionable, you know their spending habits/income expectations. If they look like comic book guy, well you know what you are getting too.

this will be subject to edits of course.
 
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Dan said:
A woman can have looks, similar interests, intelligence, great conversational skills, and "intellectual and emotional compatibility" as Michele Zone says, but odds are she won't find any chemistry with me. That's really all I want, really ... mutual attraction and chemistry.
Not that it is ANY of my business :-D , but I am wondering if that is a delicate way of saying "I am looking for hot sex". :-}

You don't have to answer that. It just has me thinking. I think "hot sex" can be a good thing or a bad thing for a relationship, depending upon WHY it is hot. If it is hot for all the wrong reasons, it can be a really bad thing. A "hot" relationship can easily be one that leaves you burned.

It is something I have thought about a lot and read about and wondered about. Hmmm. I am thinking it either needs to be its own thread OR ...maybe this isn't something that should be discussed in a public forum at all. 8-!
 

Habanero

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I agree with Lee. One of the main things I love most about my fiance is that he can make me laugh. We've also grown together as a couple and individually without fear of being judged or acceptance. Security is another big issue for me, and not just speaking in terms of money, but emotionally. I guess it didn't hurt he's, IMO, eye candy and tall enough to make me look short too.

Dan, I'm appalled anyone would treat you like that. I couldn't imagine someone not thinking you are a catch, you're my definition of one (if only I wasn't getting married). o:)
 

Zoning Goddess

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Habanero said:
We've also grown together as a couple and individually without fear of being judged or acceptance. Security is another big issue for me, and not just speaking in terms of money, but emotionally.
I've been watching this thread for a couple days and trying to zero in on what seemed right to me, and this is pretty much it. Respect and acceptance and emotional support. If you have to be "someone else" or be judged badly, you're with the wrong person.

As for looks, it's amazing how many guys become "cute" once you get to know them, even if they didn't seem that way at first. Why it's so important to overlook looks in the beginning (well, unless someone is truly repulsive to you).
 

H

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looks like i voted for the popular choice, ethics. i believe as long as two people have similar outlook on life, they can disagree about the minor details.

woooo, that was zen like, wasnt it....:-D;)
 

biscuit

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Habanero said:
I agree with Lee. One of the main things I love most about my fiance is that he can make me laugh.
Making each other laugh is a biggie. I mean, if you're a sour person than I suppose it's not such a big deal, but being with a person who lacks a sense of humor would be downright agonizing for someone who likes to laugh. Mrs. Biscuit and I have both have a quirky sense of humor and make each other laugh all of the time.

Case in point: Yesterday we were talking and I said something particularly lame. She looks over at me and says, "That was the gayest thing you've ever said. In fact that was double gay to the third power." All I could do was respond with, "And just what would that be, numerically speaking." We then spent the next 5 minutes or so laughing and doing "gay math," figuring out exactly what double gay to the third power is. I know that makes us sound like a couple of giant dorks but it's the humor in the everyday and the trivial that we find so funny that helps us bond as a couple.

BTW. The answer is 216 ;-)
 
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Rem

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Chet said:
That is hysterical, but I am bad at math... what is the root number of gay? :-}
Chet you do know what "root" means to Australians and New Zealanders don't you?
 

biscuit

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Chet said:
That is hysterical, but I am bad at math... what is the root number of gay? :-}
Well, I know I have gone way off topic but this is how we figured it out

If you assume that something is as queer as a three dollar bill then Gay = 3
Double Gay would be 3x2 = 6
Making Double Gay to the third power = 6x6x6
Therefore the answer is 216

And to think some people say you never use algebra after high school.
 

GeogPlanner

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biscuit said:
Well, I know I have gone way off topic but this is how we figured it out

If you assume that something is as queer as a three dollar bill then Gay = 3
Double Gay would be 3x2 = 6
Making Double Gay to the third power = 6x6x6
Therefore the answer is 216

And to think some people say you never use algebra after high school.
But is "double gay" = "straight" or does it mean "overly effeminate" [sic]? Do two gays make a straight? Or is Queer Eye a flush?
 

Mud Princess

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Back to the topic...

So far I agree the most with Lee, H, and Zoning Goddess. I told my DH about this thread last night, and we had a good laugh about how little we had in common when we met. But we share similar beliefs about life, and trust and respect each other enormously. That's really what's important.
 
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Mud Princess said:
So far I agree the most with Lee, H, and Zoning Goddess. I told my DH about this thread last night, and we had a good laugh about how little we had in common when we met. But we share similar beliefs about life, and trust and respect each other enormously. That's really what's important.
I heard a good rubric once to the effect that looking into each other's eyes is not the key, instead looking in the same direction is what matters most. Having been married a long time and having observed other marriages, etc, I think there is a lot to that. If you have compatible visions of your future together, the personal differences can be strengths -- they can be enriching -- and the commonalities can be strengths as well. And if you don't have that going for you, then the things you have in common may be a source of boredom and the differences may be a source of irritation, friction, and contention. Being married is also something one learns how to do. It is kind of a skill, so to speak. If you value having that in your life, you learn to accept that it costs something and that it is worth the price. I like being married. I always have. That is part of why I have stayed so long -- even though my marriage has always been pretty rocky.
 

Duke Of Dystopia

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Lee Nellis said:
I.....
Although she sometimes despairs (and occasionally laughs), Karen appreciates my essential Gemini nature.
.....
Now I think I understand, the secret to a good relationship, is NOT BEING A SCORPIO! :-c

OH WELL, ALWAYS KIND OF FIGURED I WAS DOOMED! :-(
 

michaelskis

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I guess this is a good place to mention it... as some of you know, I have now have a girl friend. We started out slow by just "seeing" each other for the past few months, but recently we decided to be "together". Her and I are opposites on several things, such as religion and politics (yes, she is a liberal). But the thing that I like about her the most is that she is so full of life, and has serious goals in life. I just talked to her and she just found out that she passed the medical boards. Now two years of Clinicals and she will be a doctor. *did I mention that she is hot and has an amazing personality too?
 
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Dan said:
I'd have to go with a really nice rack.

[ot]Sort of coincidentally: my new avatar is me at age 17, before I acquired a rack of my own. The lesson: if you are in it for the long haul, looks change. So I really think folks shouldn' t fret so much about them. (And Mr. Zone thinks I am much more attractive these days. So when I say "change", I do not necessarily mean for good or for ill. Just ...different.)[/ot]
 
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