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Would you live here?

Zoning Goddess

Cyburbian
Messages
13,843
Points
40
Seabishop said:
Dan, to prevent an hour of giggling at the meeting say up front -"Ladies and gentlemen of the Commission, applicants, and viewers at home . . . lets take a minute to laugh at the fact that this proposed development looks like a penis. . . ok, now on to the proposed drainage. . ."

You could also just deny the application based on obscenity laws.

I have been giggling about this one since I logged off an hour ago. This has to be the funniest post on this thread, since it is SO easy for a planner to imagine this scenario! How in the world could anyone actually present this case after seeing this thread?
 

el Guapo

Capitalist
Messages
5,986
Points
31
Schlongwood

Zoning Goddess said:
How in the world could anyone actually present this case after seeing this thread?

Staff Report:
Commissioners and members of the audience I'd like to begin my staff report by familiarizing you with the general location and design of the proposed development before you. After a prolonged period of negotiations between the staff and the applicant, and the payment of the proper fees we are ready to present to you this application, which rigidly conforms to the councils’ desires.

Although many on this council insist upon the active utilization of the many available Brownfield’s in the Bottoms area, the developer felt that this bulbous protuberance was best placed in an area previously underutilized by the current owner. Thus, the area of Heather Bush was selected over the nearby Stanley Bottoms. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The development firm of Dewy Lickum and Howe in order to prevent downstream flooding of their partners in this mutually beneficial encounter have wrapped the development in a natural drainage fluids barrier. This feature, located at the Eastern tip of the barrier (the area marked in purple) is known in the planning business as the "reservoir end." The somewhat rough ribbed crests at exciting intervals on the outer-boundaries of this development are for prolonged growth and the active stimulation of the development's surroundings.

I'd like to remind the council that the size of the development is secondary to the skill with which it is presented to its surroundings. Proper procedures have been followed and the surrounding community has orally requested just such a projection of this size shape and density be placed in to this underserved location repeatedly.

Phase II of the development will be offered in another meeting a little over an hour from now as the staff is not as young as they once were and they have requested time to prepare. It promises to be a tougher nut to crack. Staff would like time for an orange juice and cigarette if possible before the encounter.
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
19,337
Points
71
The developer may have to perform a wildlife survey. There's been sightings of weasels, woodpeckers, wild chickens, trouser snakes, and one eyed bush worms in the area.

Utilities will require an 8" pipe extension to serve the area. The natural gas line will be routed through the rear.

Regarding traffic, the developer plans on incorporating humps at regular intervals to slow it down.

Next on the agenda ... a site plan for four co-branded businesses ... Weinerschnitzel, Long John Silver's, Jiffy Lube and a Kum and Go convenience store.
 

Trail Nazi

Cyburbian
Messages
2,777
Points
24
I hope this project isn't knocking u....er....I mean knocking down any virgin forests or anything like that?
 

donk

Cyburbian
Messages
6,961
Points
31
Would it be appropriate to bond the developer to insure the erection of structures as ordered?
 

Tranplanner

maudit anglais
Messages
7,937
Points
39
Traffic Impact Study Results

It is recommended that traffic calming measures be installed in order to reduce traffic speeds and promote a slower, more enjoyable driving experience. Humps would be the preferred method, as bumps can damage emergency equipment and impede response times.

The single entry point may require signalization to ensure efficient distribution of traffic. It is recommended that a wider than normal pavement width be adopted to allow maximum flow.

A traffic managment plan to encourage ride-sharing and alternative modes of travel may be feasibe, depending on the needs and desires of area residents.
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
19,337
Points
71
donk said:
Would it be appropriate to bond the developer to insure the erection of structures as ordered?

PG takes care of bonding. You'll also want to see her for any variances. The Board of Appeals is very strict.

We need to know have an accurate measurement of the impermeable surface area, though, to determine the effect of stormwater runoff.
 

prudence

Cyburbian
Messages
685
Points
20
Question...

Is this an exclusive, gated community?

If so, pro golfer Dicky Pride would undoubtedly be the first head of the Homeowners Assoc.
 

Cardinal

Cyburbian
Messages
10,069
Points
34
You might want to arrange protection. This is a development that could cause many of the neighbors to object. If they were to show up at the plan board meeting, things could get heated, and might even come to blows.
 

jestes

Cyburbian
Messages
230
Points
9
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commission, because of your failure to gain a firm grasp of this situation, the developer has now applied for a use permit as a lesbian commune."
 

biscuit

Cyburbian
Messages
3,899
Points
25
jestes said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commission, because of your failure to gain a firm grasp of this situation, the developer has now applied for a use permit as a lesbian commune."

Brilliant. I wonder if they'll need to hire a landscaper to keep the bushes trimmed.
 

el Guapo

Capitalist
Messages
5,986
Points
31
The South Vietnamese unit of curency was the Dong. Jestes' design might inspire the developer to name this place Double Bushwood Estates or Beaverwood.
 

Cardinal

Cyburbian
Messages
10,069
Points
34
There's no question that people are crack up when they see this. It's only a question of how long it will be. You might as well just tell them to sit back and ride it out.
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
19,337
Points
71
jestes said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commission, because of your failure to gain a firm grasp of this situation, the developer has now applied for a use permit as a lesbian commune."

Where's the entry?

Fire Department says that when you have something that long, it can be quite dangerous.

biscuit said:
I wonder if they'll need to hire a landscaper to keep the bushes trimmed.

Probably not. They've got a strong ideological commitment to letting the vegetation remain in its natural state and run wild everywhere.
 

Wannaplan?

Ready to Learn
Messages
3,237
Points
30
Dan said:
Fire Department says that when you have something that long, it can be quite dangerous.

Who said that? Fire Chief Buster Hymen? Or his assistant, Dick Guzinia?
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
Penis-ula, OH

Mastiff said:
Restrictive covenants:

- No kittens
- No back door entries allowed
- No children playing with balls in the street
- No unsanitary discharge
- Roofs must be guttered to alleviate excessive dripping
- Each owner must be mindful of his own gutter
- Noice must cease at the stroke of midnight

No clap board siding.
 

nerudite

Cyburbian
Messages
6,536
Points
30
Tranplanner said:
Innovative construction techniques to be used - no studs, all tongue-in-groove.

OMG... I snorked diet pepsi out my nose reading that one. It burns!
 

donk

Cyburbian
Messages
6,961
Points
31
I am suprised it was not the clapboard that caused the burning.
 

donk

Cyburbian
Messages
6,961
Points
31
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commission, because of your failure to gain a firm grasp of this situation, the developer has now applied for a use permit as a lesbian commune."

It would only be appropriate for this to happen at exit 69, Big Beaver Road in the Detroit area. (Honest on the name and exit number)
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
home

Do you think they will market toward DINKs?

Stub streets should not be permitted.

Wildlife preserve designed by Claude Balls.
 

Tom R

Cyburbian
Messages
2,274
Points
25
name

donk said:


It would only be appropriate for this to happen at exit 69, Big Beaver Road in the Detroit area. (Honest on the name and exit number)

Intercourse Pa?
 

biscuit

Cyburbian
Messages
3,899
Points
25
69 Coming St., Charleston, SC!!!

(On campus housing at College of Charleston)
 

prudence

Cyburbian
Messages
685
Points
20
donk said:


It would only be appropriate for this to happen at exit 69, Big Beaver Road in the Detroit area. (Honest on the name and exit number)

I have a picture of the sign for Exit 69 on my computer. How do I post it??
 

BKM

Cyburbian
Messages
6,461
Points
29
Ex-Mayor

My hometown has a street named "Harry Balls Drive." After an ex-mayor. :)
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,589
Points
34
President Bush hailed it as a remarkable piece of smart growth
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,589
Points
34
One last spurt...

... of comments before this thread dies.

OMG I've working in this town almost five years and just discovers that we have a street names "Burningwood Lane".

I'm like, damn go see the doctor.
 
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