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Your fantasy HOA

kms

Cyburbian
Messages
6,155
Points
34
If you could institute some rules for your neighborhood, what would you choose?



My neighbor annoys me. He's a friendly guy, but he annoys me. He isn't real ambitious. This guy doesn't do anything constructive on Saturday, and most of Sunday. He goes into Sunday evening panic mode to catch up on what he could do Friday night and most of Saturday. So Sunday dinner time is interrupted by his mower and hedge trimmer.

My HOA rule would be that a person can't use lawn and garden power tools on Sunday, under normal circumstances.
 

Big Easy King

Cyburbian
Messages
1,361
Points
23
Everyone has seen cars jacked up on blocks in various neighborhoods. Thus, no jacked-up vehicles in plain view in my neighborhood! Also, a subdivision with very minor landscaping and/or without amenities such as parks/playgrounds bug the hell out of me.
 

Jen

Cyburbian
Messages
1,704
Points
25
I can't wait for cooler weather

In my fantasy HOA in my lakeside neighborhood,I would make your sewer rates dependent on the number of taps and toilets installed in your house and also on water softeners. you flush more you gotta pay more!

I would also enact areas where grass lawns are not allowed and pets would not be allowed off their own property unsupervised.

I would forbid feeding of the fishes and waterfowl

Also I would come down hard on public pee-ers, and jet skiers who break curfew, it's off the lake ONE HOUR before sunset, it also happens to be a real law!

'kay I'm done griping!
 

mendelman

Unfrozen Caveman Planner
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
13,320
Points
49
In my HOA, the rules would be very liberal and give everyone alot of latitude, but since each house would only be granted 1,000 sqft of typical grass lawn. If you wanted more then the allowable maximum, you have to pay an additional $5,000 per each additional 10 sqft of lawn over the maximum. This money would be put into a fund for natural land preservation in the local region.

(Yes, I am not a big fan of unecessary, expanses of typical grass lawns)
 

SkeLeton

Cyburbian
Messages
4,853
Points
26
  • No schnautzers allowed (I hate my neighbors dog)
  • No BBQs 'till 4 am
  • Prohibition to blow the horn of your car when you arrive at your house... We already noticed you got home, no need to blow the horn..
  • No 80's crappy music karaoke singing with your window opened...
  • No house or car alarms, if someone enters and steals in your house the alarm dealer doesn't give a sh*t and won't even call the cops... and the 99% of the times it's your slobby ass that forgot to turn it off and now you woke up the entire neighborhood with your POS alarm.
  • No speeding in the streets... kids are playing and this isn't any race track..

That's what comes to mind right now ;)
 

Seabishop

Cyburbian
Messages
3,838
Points
25
No decorative flags of cartoon characters, soccer balls etc.



No dogs.

No paved front yards.

None of those spiral shrubs.

No ugly chicks (kidding)
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
18,200
Points
64
HOAs in Florida often had rules prohibiting parking pickup trucks and work vehicles in open view. That is, except whre I lived, because so many people living in Orlando's western suburbs worked in the construction and building trades.

My dream HOA:

No tacky lawn ornaments, fountains, shiny orbs, and so on.

No upholstered furniture outside, in view of other residences or the public right-of-way.

No outdoor cats.

You can substitute a well-tended xeriscape garden or grass substitutes (asiatic jasmine, etc) for the front lawn.

A portion of the common open space or greenblelt would be designated and maintained as a leash-free dog park.

Vehicles cannot be parked where they would block the sidewalk.

No problem with pickup trucks, but I'd limit box trucks, vans and trucks with a significant portion of the vehicle covered in signage, and tractor trailers.

I'd also ban visible project cars, even if they are registered and operable. It's okay to change your oil in the driveway, but quite another thing to have a primer grey '69 Chevelle out front that is in a constant state of repair.

I'll ban ricers too, out of pure spite.
 

Plannerbabs

Cyburbian
Messages
1,038
Points
23
All homeowners in the subdivision known as Astroturf Corners shall be subject to the following commitments:
1. A minimum of one pink flamingo and one gnome shall be installed on the front lawn. One--but not both--may be substituted for a) a bowling ball or b)a tire planter
2. There shall be a minimum of three vehicles per household. If one of the vehicles is inoperable, it may be used as a garden shed/storage area until such time it becomes operable or becomes one with the driveway.
3. Lawns must not be mowed more than once a week during the peak grass-growing season. All mowing must take place on Saturdays.
4. Music, of the resident's choice but preferably country or rock, must be played at at least 75 decibels while mowing. It may be turned down to not less than 50 decibels when mowing is completed.
5. All homeowners are required to own a) a hound or b)at least five cats.
Any homeowner who does not comply with any of the above commitments is subject to having his house disconnected and towed, at his expense.

Any takers?
 

Repo Man

Cyburbian
Messages
2,550
Points
25
No "snout houses" where the garage is most prominent thing facing the street.

No stupid lawn orniments in the front yards, such as the wooden fat lady bending over.



Free use of a clubhouse with swimming pool. hot tub, theater, bar, etc.

Bicycle paths and sidewalks throughout

No daycares as home occupations
 

biscuit

Cyburbian
Messages
3,904
Points
25
No metal shed type carports facing the street.
Like this


No screaming and yelling at your rotten kids at all hours of the day after they ding cars with their football. Just give 'em that beating you've been threating to already and get it over with.

No little yippy dogs like Pomeranians and the like. It's bad enough I have to worry about not backing over your dog, much less stepping on it.

Neon Green and Electric Blue are not colors that occure in nature. Please be so kind as to not use them when painting your house.
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,624
Points
34
You are not allowed to park any vehicle displaying a sticker of Calvin pissing on something.
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
18,200
Points
64
biscuit said:
No metal shed type carports facing the street.
Like this
I banned 'em with the zoning code I wrote. I prohibited pre-fabricated accessory buildings larger than 100 square feet. :-D
 

Chet

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
10,624
Points
34
Dan said:
I banned 'em with the zoning code I wrote. I prohibited pre-fabricated accessory buildings larger than 100 square feet. :-D
The Chairman is pleased

 

BKM

Cyburbian
Messages
6,464
Points
29
One proviso:

Rent a storage unit, white trash idiots!

"Front Yards and visible side yards are intended to be open, landscaped areas. No front or visible side yards shall be used for the storage of any equipment, inoperable vehicles, junk, children's toys, snappy thug dogs, or outdoor wrestling rings."
 

Habanero

Cyburbian
Messages
3,241
Points
27
In my HOA my annoying, ugly, dumb@$$ neighbor would be fined everyday, just for living near me and annoying me everyday.

There would be a no staring rule.

No smoking rule, if you don't want your house to smell like smoke don't smoke outside and make everything smell like an ashtray.

There would also be little daggers that shoot out of the sidewalk if you park across someone's driveway (he or his visitors do this all the time).

No skateboarding ramps in the middle of the road.

No soliciting, if caught solicting in the neighborhood the penalty is being hung by your sensitive areas.

No singing Christmas decorations.
 

kms

Cyburbian
Messages
6,155
Points
34
Habanero said:
little daggers that shoot out of the sidewalk if you park across someone's driveway (he or his visitors do this all the time).

I was just going to post something like that. It is OK to park along the street, just not directly across the street from a driveway, or on the same side, so close to one, that a person can't get out of a driveway.

The "shadow man" or "shadow digging dog" are not allowed.

No one can plant single rows of those spikey red flowers along their front walks.

No loud swearing.
 

Mastiff

Gunfighter
Messages
7,181
Points
30
Repo Man said:
No stupid lawn orniments in the front yards, such as the wooden fat lady bending over.
Oh, MAN! That reminds me of one of the BEST pranks I ever pulled with my (former) brother in law. When we were in Philly, it seemed like these damned things were EVERYWHERE.

I mean, just about every lawn had one, or two... or more.

Well, one night we went out at about 2:00 a.m., took them all, repainted them, and replaced 'em. How were they painted? To look like this!

 

Mud Princess

Cyburbian
Messages
4,896
Points
27
mendelman said:
In my HOA, the rules would be very liberal and give everyone alot of latitude, but since each house would only be granted 1,000 sqft of typical grass lawn. If you wanted more then the allowable maximum, you have to pay an additional $5,000 per each additional 10 sqft of lawn over the maximum. This money would be put into a fund for natural land preservation in the local region.

(Yes, I am not a big fan of unecessary, expanses of typical grass lawns)
I love this idea!

Also, no shopping-mall style landscaping with that hideous bright red mulch. Ick.
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
27,896
Points
70
Me? I'd have to go with:

- no car hobbyists (with their loud arsed engines and parts storage).
- yes, vegetable gardens (hell, growing crops) in the front yard are perfectly okay
- no witnessing, soliciting, or canvassing
- no outdoor cats
- quiet hours on weekends from 11pm - 10 am
 

The One

Cyburbian
Messages
8,289
Points
29
WOW

Me? I'd have to go with:

- no car hobbyists (with their loud arsed engines and parts storage).
- yes, vegetable gardens in the front yard are perfectly okay
- no witnessing, soliciting, or canvassing
- no outdoor cats
- quiet hours on weekends from 11pm - 10 am
Maister......thinking about it after six years and one day:lmao:
 
Last edited:

paiste13

Cyburbian
Messages
231
Points
9
[*] Prohibition to blow the horn of your car when you arrive at your house... We already noticed you got home, no need to blow the horn..
Women do that sometimes to scare away potential criminals or thugs waiting in the shadows. It's not so much an ego thing as a safety thing.
 

luckless pedestrian

Super Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
11,906
Points
45
no stupid mailboxes
wave when someone drives by
progressive dinners 3x a year
death penalty for going over 35 MPH
no jerks
 

Dan

Dear Leader
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
18,200
Points
64
Me? I'd have to go with:

- no car hobbyists (with their loud arsed engines and parts storage).
- yes, vegetable gardens (hell, growing crops) in the front yard are perfectly okay
- no witnessing, soliciting, or canvassing
- no outdoor cats
- quiet hours on weekends from 11pm - 10 am
[ot]


Just sayin'. Now, back to your regular programming[/ot]

michaelskis said:
Everyone would be required to speak English
Okay, I need some clarification here. You would ban foreign languages? Seriously?
 

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
25,157
Points
55
Would you allow
clotheslines ?
above ground pools ?
garden gnomes ?
garages converted into a living / game room ?
flag poles ?
 

ofos

Vintage Cyburbian
Messages
8,278
Points
27
Would you allow
clotheslines ?
above ground pools ?
garden gnomes ?
garages converted into a living / game room ?
flag poles ?
Clotheslines would need to be underground.
Above ground pools only in front yards.
Garden gnomes in medicinal marijuana gardens.
Garage conversions allowed if offsetting living/game room is converted to garage.
Flag poles o.k. but no flags.
 

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
27,896
Points
70
[ot]


Just sayin'. Now, back to your regular programming[/ot]
Now that you mention it, I think I would ban any reanimated dead people from living there.

[ot]Hey what can I say, I know a timeless classic FAC thread theme when I see one. It just took me 6 years to find this particular one is all. [/ot]
 

mgk920

Cyburbian
Messages
4,202
Points
26
I would require a basketball hoop to be placed above every garage door and a court to be painted onto every driveway.

:h:

Mike
 

JNA

Cyburbian Plus
Messages
25,157
Points
55
I would require a basketball hoop to be placed above every garage door and a court to be painted onto every driveway.

:h:

Mike
That is expected in Indiana and Kentucky, and add floodlights too.
 

DVD

Cyburbian
Messages
14,198
Points
48
I just think mine needs to losen up some.
Allow a basketball hoop - you don't need the court (unless you're in KY) but let kids play
Let people grow vegies in the front yard (we can't even have a fruit tree)

Rules we should add
Put hash marks on the street for some football
No neighbors talking about the crabs they caught from their last boyfriend (true story)
And more neighbors like Tom who work for the local beer distributer and provide us all with free beer when we come over. Always a party in his garage.
 

Bear Up North

Cyburbian Emeritus
Messages
9,329
Points
31
Pleasant Valley HOA Regulations

Here are the updated regulations for all homeowners in Pleasant Valley.....

University of Michigan flags allowed. No other college pennants.
Pittsburgh Steeler flags allowed. No other NFL pennants.
Exterior clotheslines OK, only if applicator is naked. (Age and gender exception, see sub-code)
Keg party hosting required for all homeowners. Schedule to be posted.
Temporary political signs OK if 100% signature approval from all homeowners.
Shrubs can only be green, flowers can only be purple or white.
All homes required to have backyard fire pit, with visible cord of firewood, military stacking rules apply.
All doorbells to play "Hail To The Victors".
All homeowners required to "talk like a pirate" every September 19th.

:D

Ye Bear
 

southsideamy

Cyburbian
Messages
451
Points
14
-No working in the yard without a shirt if you weigh over 250lbs or No shirtless gardening/mowing
-No adult hot tub parties if any of the participants weigh over 250lbs. and the hot tub is visible from your neighbor's three season room.
-No playing "bags" in the required front yard
-No barking dogs in the backyard, particularly if they bark when anything moves within a 250 mile radius.
-You must leave at least 50% of the rear yard previous. We would count the following toward imperiousness: trampoline, swing set, barn full of crap, patio, above ground pool, hot tub.
-No more than 2 cats or 2 dogs allowed.
--You cannot name your children with the same first letter.
 

Linda_D

Cyburbian
Messages
1,727
Points
20
All homeowners in the subdivision known as Astroturf Corners shall be subject to the following commitments:
1. A minimum of one pink flamingo and one gnome shall be installed on the front lawn. One--but not both--may be substituted for a) a bowling ball or b)a tire planter
2. There shall be a minimum of three vehicles per household. If one of the vehicles is inoperable, it may be used as a garden shed/storage area until such time it becomes operable or becomes one with the driveway.
3. Lawns must not be mowed more than once a week during the peak grass-growing season. All mowing must take place on Saturdays.
4. Music, of the resident's choice but preferably country or rock, must be played at at least 75 decibels while mowing. It may be turned down to not less than 50 decibels when mowing is completed.
5. All homeowners are required to own a) a hound or b)at least five cats.
Any homeowner who does not comply with any of the above commitments is subject to having his house disconnected and towed, at his expense.

Any takers?
I wanna live in your subdivision ... oh, wait ... I think I already do ... :-$

I'd institute a no HOA rule.
YYYYEEEEEHHHHHAAAAWWWW!
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Gotta Speakup

Cyburbian
Messages
1,455
Points
21
My condo association seems to work quite well. Perhaps because:

Its mixed income. No one moved in who didn't know they were going to live near people quite different from themselves.

Ditto for the at least five languages Ive counted here.

The same rules apply to everybody.

There is a waiting list for the low and moderate income units, the market rate units have increased in price over the past two years.

Thick walls and floors so you never hear anyone else.

Heavy attention paid to common area upkeep so it seems like it would be very very wrong to leave a mark in the hall or in the central lawn.
 

Otis

Cyburbian
Messages
5,165
Points
28
- We would count the following toward imperiousness: trampoline, swing set, barn full of crap, patio, above ground pool, hot tub.
Man, that's setting the imperiousness bar pretty low.

As for my HOA rules, I would prohibit retired and unemployed people from being on the board.
 
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